Finding happiness within ourselves is the ultimate goal. Only then are we able to experience long-lasting happiness and the key to how to be happy. The main benefit of finding happiness within ourselves is; it is not contingent on any outside source. To find happiness in yourself is to discover happiness that is resilient to circumstances and external forces in your life. For most, an inner-peace and happiness that can stand the test of despair and loss sounds unimaginable. Think of the amazing sense of security and comfort that would come with the ability to match calamity with serenity.
Emotions are neither good nor bad, they’re just emotions.
To find happiness in yourself, one must think about emotional maturity. The ability to realistically evaluate one’s emotions is vital to determining what can be done, or not, when it comes to experiences that may bring us unhappiness.
Here’s an example.
A few years ago I lost a friend to cancer. When I first met Tim we were both going through a rough and transitional period in our lives; both trying to get over some rough pasts that had left us emotionally, physically, and spiritually drained. I learned quickly that Tim had already survived cancer once, only to have it return with vengeance shortly after we met. As a fellow musician, Tim and I took to each other quickly and began a special friendship. I told him early on that I would be there with him when the cancer got bad, or at least I alluded to the fact that when things got bad, I would be there. That we would play music together and everything would be OK. However, over the following months we sort of lost track of each other; or rather I did not do my best in finding what was going on with him or where exactly he was living at the time. One day I received a phone call from a mutual friend that Tim had passed away. I was shocked.
At first I was sad, but then something strange happened; I dismissed the feelings of guilt and sadness. I started asking myself questions like, “How well did you really know him?” or “Were we really that good of friends and had I really made a promise to be there with him at the end?” The key point here is my inner-self was trying to minimize the emotional attachment I had to his death. I was stuffing my feelings thus stunting the emotional process needed to properly grieve. This in turn caused me great inner-conflict and unhappiness and ultimately self-destructive behaviors.
After a year of being lost and unhappy, I hit a bottom and sought help through proper counseling. I learned how to properly deal with my emotions; listen to them and allow myself to feel all emotions, sadness, anger, loneliness, etc. By learning to properly feel all emotions, I’m better equipped on how to deal with them.
The basis of how to find happiness is all about inner-peace and finding that happiness within ourselves. Finding happiness in yourself begins with knowing what emotions you’re feeling and how to deal with them. Sometimes we may need to detach from certain emotions or feel them completely in order to learn from them. Detachment can be helpful in the healing process. Sometimes we need to detach as opposed to feeling all the pain and hurt too deeply. However, detachment is not the same as denial. Denial is having an unrealistic view of the circumstances. Detachment can be with love and only once we’ve learned how to totally understand the underlying emotions.
In losing my friend Tim, I had some guilt and remorse for not being there like I said I was going to be. This weighed heavily on my conscience and reeked havoc on my inner-peace and happiness. But until I learned how to feel and listen to those emotions, I was unable to get past those feelings. Instead of dealing with them in a healthy manner, I was subconsciously beating myself up inside. By diminishing the value of our friendship, I was attempting to reduce the feelings of guilt and justify my behavior. In the end, no matter how I rationalized our friendship—whether or not we were as close as I thought—the fact remained that I held some guilt and sorrow over his loss.
The Key to Finding Happiness within you is first learning how to accept you!
We’re never going to be happy with ourselves until we accept ourselves for who we are. This is all somewhat of a paradox since we must have a realistic view and understanding of our emotions before we can begin to accept ourselves. Our emotions tell us a lot about where we feel inadequate; thus what areas we need to work on. Take for example fear.
Fear raises its head as many different emotions such as anger, envy and jealousy just to name a few. I would say that 90% of the time I’m feeling some type of inner turmoil or unhappiness, fear is at the root. More specifically, fear of losing something I think I have or not getting something I think I want. Regardless, it’s compromising my ability to be happy with myself. The fear is usually fueled by the thought of rejection. And just as fear is responsible most of the time, the rejection aspect is almost always rooted in the way I think I may be perceived by others.
So if fear is causing 90% of my unhappiness, how do I get rid of it?
That’s easier said then done, but it can be done. The first step is discovering what you fear and why. Take it back to its root emotion and you’re closer to finding the real solution. Almost always we find it’s due to the feeling of rejection or not being loved. Fear of loosing something we think we have or not getting something we think we want. I stress think in the previous sentence because time and experience has shown me that what I usually think I want is not what I need. Eliminating fear comes down to faith and control. Faith from experience that things will work out the way they’re meant to, and let them take us to where we’re supposed to be, not just where we’ve ended up. Moreover, as far as control is concerned, the sense to know what we can and cannot control; which comes with practice and a realistic view of ourselves.
Finding happiness with ourselves is definitely a process, but it starts with self-love and acceptance. We must know where we’re at before we can determine the path we need to take us where we want to go!
About Jared Akers
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Someone asked me if I had ever been excited and happy about anything in my life? The strange thing was that I could answer – NO!
I grew up with 2 parents that drank about as often as they breathed, never had any friends and had spent most of my life till 30 alone.
My wife told me this morning that I am negative about everything in my life. I am not sure but this may lead from the fact that I never feel “happy”
Is being happy something you learn as a child? Is the sense of wholenees and peace something that should have been instilled at youth.
I am so afraid that my unhappyness could end my marriage.
dogwalker,
Firstly, thank you for leaving a comment and asking a question. That means you’re seeking, and that is the start of any transformation!
“Is being happy something you learn as a child?”
I’m sure there are just as many opinions on that question as there are happy children, but I would say it certainly would help us as adults to know what happiness feels like if we were instilled with it as a child—which would translate simply to love. Both my parents drank as well, so I can relate to that somewhat; although I would have to deal with my own demons later in life and whether or not they were a result of that… well, who knows. Regardless, they’re mine to deal with now so blaming anyone only keeps me sick.
I’m not a doctor or licensed therapist, although I’ve used both extensively, and contribute my happiness to taking the steps to get the help I needed. So with that disclaimer
I believe that no matter what happened to us as children, we can find happiness today.
Of course if we’re unhappy our first reaction is to start looking for causes or blaming, and our parents and childhood is a great place to start; as it may well hold the key. The only way to find out is to explore it with someone qualified to help us do so. I’m a big believer in therapy; it’s impossible to fix my flawed thinking with my own thinking… if that makes sense. Way to often our ego gets in the way when people start talking about therapy (which kept me away for a long time), but sooner or later we have to take charge for ourselves. I went to several therapists before I found one I connected with.
I recently purchased a new audio receiver for my home. I wanted to be able to listen to music inside and outside my house with some speakers I had already ran the wires for. The first few places I went to I felt like the salesman just couldn’t grasp, or wanted to understand, exactly what I was trying to do. So I kept going to different stores until I found someone that understood exactly what I was trying to accomplish, he had experience in that specific area and helped me get exactly what I was looking for!
So WHY would I not put in the same kind of dedication to helping my spirit and soul as I do with home electronics?
My problem was I went about life acting as if I was happy on the outside, while inside I was lost, confused, and consumed by fear of being rejected. It all came down to lack of real self-love. I treated myself badly; worse than I would treat a friend. I had to learn to have a healthy relationship with myself; regardless of what my parents or anyone else did or didn’t do to me. It was definitely a process and one which took several years and continues to evolve. The fact of the matter is, if we’re not happy with ourselves, no one else is going to make us happy either.
One huge obstacle I had to overcome was the reality that if I surrendered and admitted I needed help, than I had to do something about it. I was stuck between two things I hated the most; the way things were and change. I realized that I had run out of people and causes to blame for my unhappiness; which meant it was up to me and I wasn’t sure if I was willing to accept that. Accepting it meant I was actually going to have to do something about it (I can be really lazy sometimes). Plus, what happens if I don’t like what I find?
Of course the alternative is… well, more unhappiness.
If you haven’t already signed up and downloaded my free report “How To Be Happy Now,” I encourage you to do so. There’s some pretty good information in there and if you want to discuss anything further with me, my email address is in there as well.
I wish you and your wife all the best.
Jared
I am a guy who has been, abused as a child my mum aparanty cut my head open, then broke my arm as a baby. stuck needle in us when we had holes in clothes. They split up when I was 5, lived with my dad and 1 bro, other had to live with mum.
My dad was ok till herr someone, then use to smack then snakes became punchs and mental abuse, yul go but to ya mum, I was locked in my bedroom as a baby, use to rock still do this at tes at 38.
Two kids to two different woman and a handfull of faild relarionship, I am insecure and having counciling for last 5 years nothing has helped VPN phycologist I’m now paying for it with someone who hopefully my save me
I don’t trust no one always try
Steve,
Thank you for leaving such an emotional comment. I appreciate your honesty and hope you’re finding the ability to trust others. Trust can be difficult yet can begin with ourselves. I got into many unhealthy relationships because I didn’t know who I truly was or trusted myself. Therefore I felt I deserved to be treated less than I really did, I settled for unhealthy relationships because I felt that was all that I deserved. It took many years and hard lessons to work on myself and realize that I deserve to be loved and that what has happened in my past does not define who I can be today.
I hope you’re doing well and wish you the best of everything in life and that you find love for yourself and others.