NOTE: I wrote this article on July 11th, 2010  prior to Goodbye for now, Dad

I remember the surgeon saying, “it’s not good, it is cancer and most likely originated in the lungs…” meaning it has metastasized throughout his body. “All we can do now is pray the Lord has mercy and he doesn’t suffer long.” The following 10 days felt as if I was watching a sad movie. On July 6th my father passed away.

This morning in the shower I was thinking about the moment I heard the surgeon tell us the bad news. It was as if I left my body and God pulled me beside him, with his arm around me, and we have been watching this entire thing together. Then the words came to my consciousness, “it’s OK Jared, I’ll take care of him.” And I wept… no, I wailed. I wailed till I couldn’t catch my breath and wondered if the neighbors could hear me. In that moment I felt the presence of God more than I have in a long time. The term “more will be revealed later” become a personal experience.

The last few days it’s like a piece of me is missing. Although deep down I know everything is OK, there is a small void. In that moment in the shower I realized it’s OK to have this void—the missing puzzle piece—and it has a purpose. I felt that God has it in his hand, is smoothing the edges and will snap it back in when I am ready—and the realization that it will never be back in place totally. Or maybe just a different color… yes, let’s go with that since I don’t like the idea of not being whole.

I’ve been weeping in my dreams, unable to catch my breath and I wake up. My dreams aren’t about my father so much, but there is definitely a sad overtone. I’m not big on dream interpretation—at least not mine—I have enough trouble figuring things out when I’m awake.

I’m reminded of the saying, idea, belief… whatever, that God will only give us as much as we can handle. Whether it’s a spiritual experience or our mind’s way of dealing with intense emotional states, we are only given as much as we can handle at any given moment. Or maybe that’s called shock, I’m not sure. Like when my mother called me the night he passed away and I could hear the paramedics in the background asking questions, I just started shaking. It was weird, I wasn’t cold, I was just shaking and started sort of walking around in a daze. A daze which remained until today in the shower.

Even though a piece of me is missing—again—I know it has a purpose. That I have a choice; to let it take me to where I’m supposed to be and not just where I’ve ended up.

He Knows How Much We Can Bear (Clara Ward)
We are our heavenly father’s children
And we all know that He loves us one and all
Yet there are times we find the answer
Another’s voice and call
If we are willing the Lord will teach us
His voice only to obey no matter where
For He knows I’m so glad God knows
Knows just how much we can bear

Oh, although, though your load, your load may get heavy
You’re never left alone to bear it all
Just ask God for strength and keep on toiling
Although the teardrops fall
You’ll have the joy of my God’s assurance
The heavenly Father will always answer prayer
For He knows ya I’m so glad God knows
Just how much we can bear

photo credit: loswl

He Knows Just How Much We Can Bear is a post from: How To Be Happy
Don't forget to sign up for my newsletter to receive my free eBook "How To Be Happy Now!" CLICK HERE to sign up!

NOTE: I wrote this article on June 27th, 2010  prior to Goodbye for now, Dad

As many of you know, I’ve been through some shyt in my life. Of which I have come out on the other side full of inner-peace and happiness. Thus the tag line matching calamity with serenity: the ability to maintain inner-peace and serenity regardless of life’s circumstances.

This is where the rubber hits the road.

June 26th, 1:30 P.M.
I’m sitting next to my mother on a small couch as we wait for the surgeon. We’ve arranged the chairs in a semi-circle with my aunt, uncle, wife, and mother facing the empty chair where the surgeon will sit. Where he will explain the results of a biopsy they did of a lump on my fathers neck. I already know the results. The day before they found 5 tumors in his brain. Cancer. Logic tells me that’s not where it originated.

The surgeon comes in and sits down, he starts to explain the bad news. I watch his lips move and hear his voice and understand what he’s saying, but I’m not in my own body anymore. I’ve seen this movie before, it’s a sad one. Yet for some reason, no tears seem to come. I hear my mother say, “it’s in God’s hands now.” I think to myself, “it’s always been in God’s hands.” The thought brings some peace to my heart in the moment. I love my mother so much. We’re so alike. After the surgeon leaves I hear “it’s OK to break down now” as everyone else seems to let go of their emotions. I just sit there, watching… I’ve seen this movie before.

My mother and I walk next to my father as he’s wheeled back to his room. Still a little groggy from surgery, he asks “is it cancer?” I look him in the eye and answer “yes it is.” As of this writing we know the cancer originated in the lungs, that it is incurable, and that they are reviewing treatment options. The rest of this story is yet to be written.

I’ve cried some and reflected a lot the last few days. I love my dad and I know he loves me. The reality is, we’re all dying. Most of us just assume it will be later rather than sooner. None of us really know; so make each moment count. I haven’t cried that much, not as much as one would think. But then I realize he’s still here and I can talk to him on the phone anytime I want. Plus my parents only live an hour and a half away; I’m lucky.

These are the moments I’ll reflect on in the years to come. Did I do the right thing or is there anything I would have done differently? The gift is to be emotionally present and feel the diverse emotions entirely. At times I do feel a little numb or that I’m watching a sad movie, yet I am grateful for the ability to feel emotions at all. And again, I’m reminded that we’re all dying and that all my family members are still alive.

One priceless gift I’ve learned through my spiritual journey—especially now—is the ability to recognize the important moments in life: All of them.

I know deep inside that everything is going to be OK. I’m able to maintain a sense of inner-peace and serenity for the most part. There are short periods of time when I feel lost, gloomy, or confused emotionally. It’s at these times that I pray and meditate more, stay connected with my support group and remind myself this too shall pass. I know at times it’s really going to suck; although I can remind myself that right now in this moment, everything is OK.

This is the moment I’ve been training for; I just hope I’m ready coach.

Spiritual Training and Finding Peace in the Midst of Chaos

Law enforcement, fireman, military, medical professionals, etc., are subjected to intense physical and mental training. The goal is that when the time comes for them to perform, they intuitively know how to react in a way which may save the lives of their fellows or themselves.

Likewise, by putting deposits into our spiritual bank account we’re hoping to have something to draw upon when the crap hits the fan. As long as we’re breathing there’s crap out there just looking for a fan. Thus the importance and practicality of prayer and meditation. It truly is a way to help us become prepared for times of conflict within ourselves and the world around us.

Some may refer to this as being a “spiritual warrior.” I’ve decided I really don’t like that term; it’s a contradiction. The roots of my spiritual growth are love and forgiveness which doesn’t really jive with the word warrior.

Chaos can be anything that doesn’t fit into the little box we consider to be our manageable life. Maybe it’s emotions we’re not used to feeling or a change in our environment, career, or relationship. Whatever the chaos may be, there can be inner-peace since our happiness and serenity are not contingent on external sources or circumstances. This serenity can get thrown off for a short period of time when we’re faced with new emotions and/or challenges, but if we’ve done the work, we fall back on our training and intuitively know what to do.

It’s OK to fall apart; yet sometimes we need others to remind us of that. However, I don’t want to force emotions which aren’t quite there yet. Maybe I’m in shock, maybe I’m just grateful for the time I do get to spend with my dad. I just know that whatever I’m feeling in each moment, that’s OK and I need to feel it.

Emotions are neither good or bad, they’re just emotions. If you’re feeling a certain way (emotion), then it’s valid; never let anyone tell you otherwise. “You shouldn’t feel that way” is like telling a river it shouldn’t flow towards the sea. The key is learning how to identify the underlying cause. In most cases, the cause is fear stemming from the perception that we’re lacking love in some way; either of ourselves or from others.

If our spiritual training is routine, comfortable, and ingrained, it can provide us some security and comfort (peace) during stressful times. Others from outside may wonder why you’re not a wreck, or you may watch others become basket cases. Yet by falling apart, I’m making it all about me aren’t I? I don’t know, I get confused sometimes on what I should be feeling… I know, I just said emotions are neither good or bad right?

One realization I did have is it’s not my job to make my father right with God and his place in the world. That’s his job. My job is to be a son. A light of sunshine and life when others only see sadness. Although I must allow others to deal with the process the best they know how. As my good friend said, “death is both a sad and a beautiful process.” I can see that now, but we’ll see where I’m at in a few months.

Thanks for stopping by.

photo credit: h.koppdelaney

Matching Calamity with Serenity: Spiritual Training and Finding Peace in the Midst of Chaos is a post from: How To Be Happy
Don't forget to sign up for my newsletter to receive my free eBook "How To Be Happy Now!" CLICK HERE to sign up!

Regardless of whether or not you believe in God, higher power, creator of the universe, etc.,  you can still be a spiritual person. Whether you realize it or not, you probably practice spirituality without even knowing it. The simple fact that you’re here reading this implies you’re seeking something. Welcome.

Maybe you’re wondering how one becomes spiritual or what the benefits are of being a spiritual person.

The definition of spirituality is that which relates to or affects the human spirit or soul as opposed to material or physical things. Spirituality touches that part of you that is not dependent on material things or physical comforts.
- Living Words of Wisdom

Sounds good to me

A Glimpse into the Practicality of Belief

My family attended church every Sunday until I was about 6 years old; so I was told and vaguely remember craft time in Sunday school. We then moved 60 miles away to “the farm;” away from town, churches, and the routine of going to church. My father’s dream was to farm. And he did for many years until we had to sell the farm and move to the city when I was in junior high. Well, “city” for me had a population of 3,000. The point is that spirituality or church (which meant the same thing to me) was not a part of our daily lives; but work was. However my mother has always been a women of faith.

I know we had a bible in the house because when I was around ten years old my mother found me under the kitchen table reading it during a bad storm. Living in rural Kansas, tornado’s were common and something my dad enjoyed… observing. I remember one steamy summer evening standing next to him on the front porch watching the clouds swirl above our house like an angry toilet bowl. I asked him if he was scared to which he answered, “It doesn’t look good.” I guess at ten years old I felt I still had some un-finished business with the man upstairs. That’s when my mother found me reading scripture under the table.

Growing up I had no reason to really think about or consider God or spirituality. Honestly, I thought it was something people used to make themselves feel better. I do recall loving nature and the wonders of the outdoors. No matter where we lived, my favorite spot was the top of the highest tree where I would sit for hours and contemplate earth’s beauty and observe the wonders of nature.

Religion is for those who are afraid of going to hell, spirituality is for those who have been there.
-Bonnie Riatt

When I was twenty two my grandfather passed away. I remember him being one of the happiest souls I’d known in my inexperienced life. His hickory stripped overalls always hid something fascinating; like a pocket watch and the chain that snuck into the bib pocket just begging us to pull on it. I loved the way he’d say “hot diggity” while slapping his knee, making it impossible to not jump in his lap.

When my grandfather passed, I had a hard time grasping the concept of someone you love being there one day and gone the next. The idea that I would never see him again was difficult to wrap my head around. That was my first glimpse into the possible benefit of religion, spirituality, or a deeper belief system. A reason to believe in something outside of myself and the physical world I lived in. People would say, “He’s with God now and resting…he’s in a better place.” All the time I was thinking, “Good for them, I think that’s nice they try to convince themselves he’s in heaven to make them feel better.” I remember thinking; I wish I could feel better. For the first time I entertained the idea of searching for something to believe in outside of myself. My reasoning was; if it makes us feel better, why not? It would be a fleeting glimpse however as I set out to conquer and dazzle the world with my amazing abilities and charisma. Deep down in my core I believed there was nothing out there beyond what I could see or touch; so I’d better go get as much of it as I could.

Fourteen years later I realized I would need to believe in something besides myself if I wanted to live. Me wasn’t working out the way I had planned. It was then—out of desperation—I went searching for a different way to live; what I found was spirituality.

Spirituality: Believing vs. Knowing

Recently due to an illness in our family, I’m reminded again—up close and personal—of our mortality. The experience reminds me of what I felt as a twenty two year old and my grandfather’s death. Moreover, will all the work I’ve done and spiritual progress I’ve made since, help me when I need it the most? Or am I just preparing to shield myself from reality when something really tragic happens?

Do I really believe or know everything will be OK?

At this stage in my spiritual journey I mostly believe. But as I experience more of life and remain conscious throughout each experience—allowing them to take me to where I’m supposed to be—I begin to know.

Early in my spiritual journey I believed certain things because I witnessed them happening in the lives of others. The seed began with the simple belief that—if it could happen for them—maybe it could happen for me. Things like practical prayer; that by praying for others more than myself, I was consciously thinking of others more and I would eventually become less selfish. Moreover, I began to witness others go through tragic experiences while maintaining a sense of inner-peace and serenity.

Just because we believe in some higher power or become spiritual does not mean we avoid suffering or pain. Quite contrary, Buddhism suggests that suffering is an essential part of life. From Mindfulness in Plain English (Amazon):

The essence of life is suffering, said the Buddha. At first glance this seems exceedingly morbid and pessimistic. It even seems untrue. After all, there are plenty of times when we are happy. Aren’t there? No, there are not. It just seems that way. Take any moment when you feel really fulfilled and examine it closely. Down under the joy, you will find that subtle, all-pervasive undercurrent of tension, that no matter how great the moment is, it is going to end. No matter how much you just gained, you are either going to lose some of it or spend the rest of your days guarding what you have got and scheming how to get more. And in the end, you are going to die. In the end, you lose everything. It is all transitory.

The key for spirituality is to learn how to manifest an underlying belief system that is based on experience and keeps us in the moment.

So the key to managing suffering is to discover this thing called spirituality and the ability to match calamity with serenity. Working towards inner-peace and the ability to stay as present in each moment as possible. We begin to realize the spiritual power of now.

Anyone, regardless of beliefs, can practice spirituality. In essence, spirituality is a quest for self-transformation; sometimes called new age spirituality.

New age spirituality is the development of individual personal spiritual experiences. It is not any one specific philosophy, or set of religious beliefs. It is a journey through many paths and practices that leads to self-discovery.

It is people discovering their own power, taking responsibility for their lives, and recognizing that we are all one in the grand universal scheme.
-New Age Spirituality at Living Words of Wisdom

6 Ways You Can Practice Spirituality

1. Learning the True Nature of Self

By looking deep inside ourselves, we begin to understand how we operate. We can take a close look at our fears—rejection, abandonment, failure, success—and things which throw us off balance. Then we’re able to search for the cause in underlying emotions.

The truth is most people find the same things underneath; further evidence that we’re all linked in one form or another and are more similar than our ego would have us believe.

As we learn more about ourselves, we’re better equipped to understand others. This leads to open mindedness, forgiveness, and empathy.

2. Make a Choice

Self-transformation begins with a choice, a decision to seek a more spiritual life.

When the student is ready, the teacher will appear
-Buddhist Proverb

The fact that you’re reading this means you’re seeking something. We all have to start somewhere. The important thing is to keep searching until you find something that makes sense to you. The choice is yours, take what you need and leave the rest.

3. Self-Help/Personal Development

Have you checked out the self-help or personal development section at your local book store lately? It’s packed full of all sorts of topics; many of which touch on spirituality in one form or another. One book I highly recommend and read often is There’s a Spiritual Solution to Every Problem (Amazon) by Wayne Dyer.

4. Meditation

There are many forms of meditation, find one that works for you. Try to keep it simple in the beginning until you find something that works. Check out my post, Mindfulness and the Benefits of Meditation.

5. Ask for Guidance

Find someone who has something you want (spiritually) and ask them how they got there. There are spiritual coaches and programs which help people live more spiritual lives. Again, it’s important to find something that makes sense to you; listen to your gut.

Personal development guru Steve Pavlina says in his article How To Graduate From Christianity, “When you see enforcement based on the promise of rewards and punishments, you’re not witnessing real truth. You’re witnessing marketing masquerading as truth.”

6. Exercise

Spirituality has nothing to do with materialism or our physical comforts; it touches on mind, body, and spirit. As the other 5 points deal mostly with mind and spirit, exercising the body is spiritual.

Once you start taking care of your mind and spirit, you’ll intuitively want to live a healthier lifestyle physically.

Most people cannot deny the power behind a healthy body, mind, and spirit. It sort of reminds me of my first car; a maroon Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme Classic. It was a project car of a nearby high school. It looked cool as hell but the engine was crap! It doesn’t matter how good you look if you can’t get to where you need to go.

What are some ways you practice spirituality?

photo credit: alicepopkorn

Spirituality for Non-Spiritual People: 6 Ways to Practice Spirituality is a post from: How To Be Happy
Don't forget to sign up for my newsletter to receive my free eBook "How To Be Happy Now!" CLICK HERE to sign up!

You’ve probably heard the saying, “We’re spiritual beings having a human experience.” I have no idea who originally said that… but I believe it to be true. Do you?

The first question you should ask yourself before getting too far into this subject is: do you believe you are a spiritual being?

No? (stick around and see what you find)
Yes? (keep reading)

Call it intuition, a heightened sense of awareness, enlightenment, etc., the idea that we’re spiritual beings is nothing new yet people still seem confused on what this actually means. For me, it simply means I’m part of something bigger, i.e. I’m not the center of the universe.

Whether we believe this something bigger to be God or some creator, who knows and honestly… who cares. We can live a spiritual life, and find spiritual love, without defining what or why we should believe in something. More importantly, we can allow others to do the same. Now that we have that out of the way…

Spiritual love is something that comes from both the heart and the mind; it is unconditional love. As intellectual beings, we often confuse our thoughts with what’s in our hearts. The farthest distance in the world is often the twelve inches between our head and our heart. Knowing we should be loving and caring and acting that way are two completely different things. We’re judged by our actions not our intentions.

So how do we get it out of our head (this idea of love and caring) and into our hearts?

We must first learn love, empathy, and understanding for ourselves. Then and only then can we truly recognize and EXPRESS these feelings towards others. Try explaining to someone what broccoli tastes like if you have never tasted it yourself or how a baby’s skin feels against your cheek if you’ve never experienced it.

In order to fully accept and love others unconditionally we need to start with ourselves. Once we develop spiritual love for self, it will come naturally for others. The deeper our acceptance and love for self goes, the less we need externally to feel loved and validated. As we need less externally to prop up our ego and self-esteem, our need to judge others declines and the ability to love unconditionally increases.

A few months ago I heard something simple yet life changing: Want peace? Suspend judgment of yourself and others. I thought that was amazing and very powerful.

Learning to suspend judgment of ourselves is not easy and takes hard work. I found it difficult to stop judging myself after years of living a life I wasn’t proud of—and the realization I wasn’t as fond of myself as I previously thought (head vs. heart).  My ego (head) said I was a big shot while my heart told me I was a failure unworthy of love. My discovery process was through working on myself spiritually and emotionally; things I talked about in the Spiritual Serenity Series. It was and is hard work at times, but damn is it worth it!

22 Ways Spiritual Love Will Change Your Life

1. You will develop more meaningful relationships based out of true respect and love; not what can you do for me?
2. Resentments will fade—eventually disappear entirely—due to diminished expectations of others and yourself
3. You will discover you need less to be happy (materially and emotionally)
4. The world will seem a lot more peaceful, no matter what is going on around you
5. As you develop a more altruistic view, you’ll find happiness and peace is the reward
6. Others will naturally be drawn to you
7. You will attract abundance in areas you didn’t even know you were lacking
8. You will sleep better
9. People in your life will know how much they mean to you
10. You will notice things in people and nature which you never realized were there before
11. Gratitude will start to fill your heart more than fear and loneliness
12. You will realize that anyone, at any given moment, is doing the best they can
13. You will feel genuine happiness for others good fortune as opposed to envy
14. Your past will become your biggest asset
15. You will begin to realize little in life is really hard, just uncomfortable at times
16. Each moment will be filled of unimaginable potential
17. Love will become your favorite word and action
18. Exercise and living healthy will become more important as love for self grows
19. You will find what it is you were always looking for
20. Food will taste better
21. You will never be alone again
22. You will consistently feel on the verge of greatness as opposed to calamity

Wow, what a list eh?  What do you think? Do you love yourself today?

photo credit: millzero

The Power of Spiritual Love and 22 Ways It Will Change Your Life is a post from: How To Be Happy
Don't forget to sign up for my newsletter to receive my free eBook "How To Be Happy Now!" CLICK HERE to sign up!

It’s a rainy day in 2004 and my fiance’ and I are sitting at an intersection waiting for the light to change. I can see our destination across the intersection; a loan office where a check is waiting for our engagement ring. My gut is telling me this isn’t the right thing to be doing (the marriage not the loan) so I pick a fight. I’m not equipped emotionally to know what I need or want out of life; all I know is the fear of being alone. My fiance’ begins to cry and I fear she does not love me, so I tell her I love her and everything is going to be OK. We pick up the loan check. We get married in January of ‘05 and annulled six months later. Looking back, fear influenced nearly every decision in my life.

As I have transformed my life into a purposeful spiritual journey, one thing has become abundantly clear; fear had been and continues to be at the root of most of my problems. The fear I experience is usually rooted in two beliefs: 1) that I’m not going to get something I think I want, or 2) that I’m about to lose something I think I have. I emphasis think in both instances because most of what I have is merely an illusion. In that they’re material or contingent on others; neither one of which I have control over. What I do have control over is my thoughts, where most of my fears are manifested.

FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real

Fear as a Motivator

One of the reasons we find it hard to completely rid our lives of fear is; fear is a great motivator.

You can apply this to almost any situation. Fear of economic insecurity motivates us to work harder; fear of being alone motivates us to date or enter relationships (whether we should or not!), fear of sickness motivates us to take better care of ourselves (hopefully), the list could go on. So how do we overcome fear and use it to our advantage in a healthy way? The key lies in transforming fear into something useful and productive that enhances our lives and our spiritual journey.

One thing I discovered years ago was that reactionary decisions based solely on fear inevitably placed me in a position which was detrimental to me; whether I realized it at the time or not. Relationships, jobs, you name it; when making decisions based mainly on fear, I found myself in situations that I knew were not right for me. In many cases, the painful realization that I made the wrong decision came later—at the price of my serenity and/or that of others.

Perhaps fear can still be a good thing as it motivates; maybe instead of overcoming fear, we should think about transforming fear into something useful.

While doing research on overcoming fear, I came across a free report by Dr. Tim Ong called Transforming Fear (PDF).

Dr. Ong illustrates what I was talking about above; fear gets things done:

One of the reasons why fear is so prevalent is because it gets things done, often according to what we want. For example, we threaten punishment to our kids for misbehaving. We threaten loss of job for the employee who does not perform. The government threatens fines and imprisonment for those who break the laws. Politicians and marketers are especially skillful in using fear as a motivator to get our votes or sell their products and services. The insurance industry highlights fear in the forms of loss of life or health to sell their products. Even the healthcare industry, particularly some doctors and pharmaceutical companies, uses fear to promote their services and products.

It is important for us to realize that fear begets more fear. The more we focus our lives on fear, the more fear appears in our lives. It becomes a never ending vicious cycle.

In my experience and probably yours, decisions made out of fear rarely end up being right for me, and often lead to more fear or unhappiness. So I concur with Dr. Ong’s findings. Dr. Ong then continues the report with a practical problem solving process consisting of: 1. Identify the Problem, 2. Find its root cause, 3. Determine the solution, and 4. Work towards the solution. Additionally he goes into detail about the nature(cost) of fear, and root causes such as insecurity, loneliness,  and loss. I found his article on fear amazingly accurate and helpful.

Dr. Ong suggests that fear is often manifested, unknowingly by ourselves as a result of our belief system. He then gives a 500 word exercise to help you discover more about your belief system.

I do disagree with Dr. Ong in that all fear is caused by three things: insecurity, loneliness, or loss. I would argue that regardless of the cause, all fear (emotional) comes back to insecurity; both physical and emotional. Isn’t the feeling of loneliness actually the result of feeling inadequate or incapable of finding happiness by ourselves? Maybe a better root cause of fear could simply be the absence of love. I don’t know… maybe that’s a whole different topic.

Overcoming fear is a process we learn, and ultimately we overcome fear by transforming it into something useful. For me, anything that separates me from others or a spiritual guided life is detrimental to my well being. Learning how to identify the cause of my fear is just another step towards enlightenment and thus a healthier spiritual life. Nonetheless, regardless of your belief system, you can learn to overcome fear by identifying the root cause behind the fear itself.

One great point Dr. Ong makes in overcoming fear is, “Fear, like all other emotions, is preceded by a thought. It is in fact a mental state.” So if we learn how to control our thoughts, ultimately we can overcome fear.

If you’re struggling with fear, I encourage you to download Dr. Ong’s report Transforming Fear (PDF). It’s free and you don’t even have to enter your name or email address!

photo credit: Muddy Funkster

Overcoming Fear is a post from: How To Be Happy
Don't forget to sign up for my newsletter to receive my free eBook "How To Be Happy Now!" CLICK HERE to sign up!

Last night my wife and I watched the Dr. Wayne W. Dyer movie The Shift(Amazon). The main message is that we all seek fulfillment or purpose, but need help sometimes from what Dr. Dyer describes as a quantum moment. The Shift happens after this quantum moment as we shift from living in the morning of our lives—driven by ego—into the afternoon—living on purpose; while everything in the morning was a lie.

The movie opens with Dr. Dyer getting out of bed and his first words are; “thank you, thank you, thank you.”

Gratitude, a most powerful action.

The term “living life on purpose,” previously meant something else to me. I associated it with intent, ambition, and drive. You know, waking up and living life on purpose! Today it means something totally different: living life on purpose; as in on task or in the zone of what my purpose is.

My quantum moment happened on March 12th 2006; and the shift happened over a period of years (and continues today) as a result of my willingness to turn my will and life over to a power greater than myself. To let Go and Let God. Although my quantum moment was a time and place I can remember vividly, the process of shifting my life in to purpose and happiness has been gradual. Moving into this afternoon of my life took work on my part; starting with a spiritual program I found in recovery and continue to work at daily through the routines I outline in The Spiritual Serenity Series.

The Shift was a very inspiring movie and message, yet I found that I had already moved into this phase of my life. Most of what I discuss here on How to Be Happy is the result of that shift and how I got here and what I do to continue a life on purpose. I understood everything Dr. Dyer discussed in the movie, as I experience it daily, but it still leaves a lot unanswered for those who struggle with making a shift in their lives. Unfortunately, most people need some type of quantum moment to propel them into making a shift. Often this moment comes from desperation as it did for me. In essence, this shift is the movement away from a life lived through and for ego and into a life lived on purpose; an intrinsic purpose given to use by our creator.

All these movies, techniques, and theories sound well, but theories do not satisfy the soul. The gap is to find exercises or practical direction of action which can move us towards this shift. No doubt there are programs which accomplish this. For me, it was the action I first took in my recovery program. Simple actions like taking a moral inventory and sharing it with someone else. Making amends and being of service were all practical actions taken which moved me along this shift to a life lived on purpose.

It is my purpose to help others find a way to make this shift in their lives. I know this is a bold statement, but I feel it to be true. That is part of what I’m doing at JaredAkers.com HowToFindHappiness.net. I’m not trying to re-package anything and most certainly not attempting to adapt my experience to benefit from Dr. Wayne Dyers (or anyone else’s) great success; I’m simply sharing what has worked for me. It is my belief and experience that anyone has the ability to be happy and make this transition in their life without the pain and desperation I experienced. I chose to make a shift in my life to live; I would rather have died than continued to live the way I was living. Only then was I willing to stop listening to ego and begin the process of learning how to tune-in to the inner voice of my creator. Must everyone be that desperate? Are those of us who are trying to help others avoid such pain and suffering robbing them of the gift of desperation; the catalyst which will surely move them into a shift in their lives? I don’t believe so. The bottom is not a place, it’s a decision.

One benefit of my spiritual journey has been the realization of self-love. By surrendering to the idea that I am not God, moving out of ego, and into a life lived for a power greater than myself, I’m able to experience empathy for myself. In hindsight, it’s easy to recognize the lack of self-love in all those years of living life based in ego and self preservation. Simply put: had I truly loved myself, I wouldn’t have treated me the way I did. In the race to gather acceptance and validation from outside sources, I compromised my morals, values, and dignity. The amazing gift of self-love and the realization that everything I need has been (or will be) given to me by my creator, allows me to lower expectations of myself and others. The result is the ability to accept and give love unconditionally.

“Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, “You owe me.” Look what happens with a love like that. It lights up the whole sky.”
-Hafiz

As Dr. Dyer explains, we have everything we need while being created in the womb. No outside help or interference is necessary. It’s a miracle. Yet as soon as we are born, it’s as if we say, “Thanks God, I’ll take it from here.” Thus our ego starts taking over: Easing God Out.

“When you showed up here in this world, you showed up here from a tiny little drop of human protoplasm; a spec if you will. And everything that was in that little spec became you. Everything that you needed was in that tiny little spec.”
-Dr. Wayne W. Dyer – The Shift

Our ego tells us who we should be, how we should live, and the definition of success and happiness; which is a lie because it’s all based on external sources. The truth is Dr. Dyer suggests, and as I truly believe, that everything we need to be happy and fulfilled is already inside of us, given to use by our creator. The same force that gave us everything we needed in the womb is still with us; thus we still have access to anything we need to live our life on purpose. We just need to get our ego out of the way, be open minded and willing, and let the universe bring it to us. However, we must not confuse this idea with procrastination; we must take action to prepare ourselves in being ready and able to recognize these moments and gifts as they arrive. Anything else is still primarily our ego talking.

If everything we need to become who we are is already in us, why do we continually seek outside of ourselves for happiness and purpose? Because we’re still living for and by ego; telling us if only we had this or that we’d be happy.

We all have an inner voice telling us there must be something more out there, some purpose to our lives. Start listening to it! Think about how you lean in to overhear a conversation that catches your interest. Maybe you’re thinking these people are weak or you’re too proud to ask them questions, but you still sort of lean in and want to know more. Start listening to that need to know and want more out of life and let it take you to where you’re destined to go.

Here’s a small example of how life purpose manifests in my life; letting me know I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be at any given time.

A few bits of background: 1. If you’ve been a reader of How to Be Happy for a while, you know my fondness of the Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi. While watching The Shift, Dr. Dyer often refers to the power and significance of this prayer. 2. My wife and I got married on Kauai and have talked about returning ever since; we love the spiritual essence and beauty of Hawaii. We also recently discovered that a friend of ours has a rental property on Maui, another island we truly want to, and will, visit. 3. I’m currently reading Disappearance of The Universe and have a spiritual advisor who often talks about A Course in Miracles. (it’s my understanding that they are somewhat related to each other yet I’m still haven’t read either completely)

Ok, now back to my story… so there’s one book of Dr. Dyer’s that I’ve considered purchasing for a while; There’s a Spiritual Solution to Every Problem(Amazon). Today my wife and were in the book store so I picked up this book and looked at the back cover which has printed on it the Prayer of Saint Francis. Cool I thought. Next I open the front to one of the first pages and saw this:

“You have no problems, though you think you have…”
-A Course in Miracles

Wow, that’s cool too I think. Then I turn a few pages to the books Forward and read:

“I completed the initial writing of this book on the fifteenth of June, 2000, at our home on Maui, with a wonderful sense of accomplishment.”

OK, someone’s telling me I need this book. So I purchased it knowing I was making the right decision.

This may only sound like coincidences to most or a stretch for others, but for me, these types of experiences happen all the time. They are guide posts along my spiritual journey telling me I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be at that place and time. By being self-aware and present to my creator in as many moments as possible, I’m open to these experiences; which are awesome!

Thanks for reading,

photo credit: WTL photos

Dr. Wayne Dyer’s The Shift and the Realization That Everything You Need is Already Within You is a post from: How To Be Happy
Don't forget to sign up for my newsletter to receive my free eBook "How To Be Happy Now!" CLICK HERE to sign up!

Hiding behind the idea that I was shy, I missed out on many opportunities for spiritual, personal, or emotional growth. When I started a new job several years ago, my life coach suggested that I introduce myself to three new people in my office every morning for the first two weeks at my new job. I thought he was crazy, “that’s not like me, don’t you know I’m shy?” His response, “Jared, it’s not about you.”

“The essence of all growth is a willingness to change for the better and then an unremitting willingness to shoulder whatever responsibility this entails.”
Bill W., July 1965 As Bill Sees It, p. 115

There are many forms of self-centeredness and selfish behavior, such as self-loathing and shyness which I often confused with humility or something else; but not self-centeredness. Regardless of my intention, I was making everything about me. When I get out of myself—like introducing myself to new people no matter how uncomfortable it is—I change for the better. For me, better means placing myself in more opportunities to be of service to others—which can feel really uncomfortable at times.

From the movie Peaceful Warrior (affiliate link):
Dan: “Hey Socrates, if you know so much, why are you working at a gas station?”
Socrates: “It’s a service station. We offer service. There’s no higher purpose.”
Dan: “… Than pumping gas?”
Socrates: “Service to others.”

You see I had made a commitment to grow spiritually, personally, and emotionally. No matter what I do for a living or what my circumstances in life are, I can choose to grow. Letting every experience—whether perceived to be good or bad—take me to where I’m supposed to be. It takes commitment and hard work, but the reward is simple: a happiness which is not contingent on anyone or anything.

Most things I think are hard, aren’t hard at all, just uncomfortable. Over time, the more I grow, the more I have to get outside myself to find things that challenge me to grow.

On my recent trip to Cozumel Mexico, I resisted going into town to explore all the shops and local restaurants. I was a little nervous to drive there or take a taxi, which is usually not like me. Generally when we travel, we like getting out and experiencing the local culture and usually rent a car. I’m not sure if it was because I was lazy or what. Although everything we needed was right there at the resort; beach, diving, sun, pool, food, and a gift shop with great deals on jewelry. I also dislike the people who are always trying to sell you something. Wait, I mean I don’t dislike them, it just makes me feel uncomfortable. I feel bad telling them no or ignoring them. I want people to like me. I hate the language barrier and many times would just like to know more about a person; what’s their family like, where they live, what do they do for fun, etc. Maybe they’ll like me if instead of ignoring them I can say “I’m really sorry I’m not interested in what you’re selling. What do you do for fun?” in Spanish. But then again, I’m making it about me… I purchased the Rocket Spanish course and sometimes listen to it on my drive into work so I’m making progress. But I haven’t gotten to the “sorry I don’t need any silver, where do you live?” lesson yet.

My challenge to all my readers is to do something uncomfortable today! Try striking up a conversation with the beggar instead of pretending to be on your cell-phone. You never know what you might learn.

photo credit: macropoulos

Spiritual Growth: The Willingness to Change is a post from: How To Be Happy
Don't forget to sign up for my newsletter to receive my free eBook "How To Be Happy Now!" CLICK HERE to sign up!

For the last several years I have been speaking once a month at a drug and rehab center; the same one which I had been a patient myself for alcohol. On the third Sunday of every month I would make the 1 1/2 hour drive to the center and speak for an hour. I would talk about my life, play some songs I’d written, and share my experience, strength, and hope.

I would share what it was like, what happened, and what it is like now. Last month was my last time speaking. At least for now. I decided to quit and give someone else a chance to fill my slot. I struggled with the decision for a while, but prayed about it often. It has been a really important part of my recovery.

Last Sunday would have been my weekend, and I didn’t even realize it until Monday morning. Probably because I spent Sunday afternoon with my wife, step-son and daughter, and our beautiful granddaughter. It is so amazing what the smile of a child can do.

I remember sitting there when I was a patient, listening to speakers like myself, and hearing them talk about how bad it had been, what happened, and how amazing their life had become. I would take notes. Could that possibly happen for me?

I really couldn’t relate, my life was such a mess and I was just struggling to find a reason to live. I used the power of now often, just looking around at where I was, concentrating on the fact that in that moment, I was alive and OK. Never mind the piles of bills I had accumulated, the wreckage I had caused in other peoples lives, plus no job and no place to live when I got out of treatment.

I learned to just concentrate on what I could do that day. “So then, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Today has enough trouble of its own” (Mathew 6:34). I was really forced into each moment, simply to survive. My counselor, bless her heart, helped me so much. She offered a simple suggestion of making a list.

A list of all the things I was worried about. So I wrote down things like; call Ford to see about getting out of my lease, find a place to live, ask for help with income tax, etc. Each day I would look at the list and ask: Is there something on here I can take action on today? If YES, I would take the action; if NO, I would put it out of my mind and go on with my day.

A Rainy Day in 2004
My fiancé’ and I are sitting at an intersection in the pouring rain waiting for the light to change. Across the intersection I see our destination, a loan office where a check is waiting to pay for our engagement ring. I start a fight. Something inside me is saying this isn’t the right thing to be doing—the engagement, not the fighting.

It’s not what I want, or maybe it just doesn’t feel right. Shouldn’t it feel right? I keep telling myself it should, I should want to get married to someone I love. So I pick a fight. If I make her angry enough, she’ll leave me since I don’t have the balls to do it myself. Then it will be her fault, and not mine.

I should want this right? After all, this is what people in love do. They get married and start a family. I do love her, at least as much as I’ve loved anyone. We’re arguing about something as the light changes and we move across the intersection, sloshing through the running water and pull into the parking lot. The sky is angry and I’m sure she’s crying now. She get’s out and I follow, stopping her under the buildings overhang just out of reach of the pouring rain.

Tears and rain dripping down her face, I grab her and tell her this is what I want. She should go in and get the check, we’ll be fine and I want to get married. We got married in January of ‘05, annulled in July ‘05, a year later I hit my bottom.

When I got out of treatment I moved into a recovery house. The closest AA meeting was only a few miles away and I quickly realized I would have to drive through the “rainy intersection” every day on the way to meetings. It was a constant reminder of a painful past.

But I did what was suggested to get better. I went to meetings, I got a sponsor and starting working the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. I worked hard at developing some type of spiritual life. I prayed for others.

I prayed for my ex and that she would have all the wonderful things in life that I wanted in mine; love, peace, and family. I started learning how to have a healthy relationship with myself. I took each day for the blessing that it was and tried to simply do the next right thing in every moment.

As a result, a funny thing happened. One day I realized it had been months since I thought about the “rainy intersection,” yet I was still driving through it every day. And when I did remember, it wasn’t the painful thorn I had experienced before. It was more of a gentle nudge that had gotten me to where I was at this moment in time. That was it, that was proof that God, or something, was doing for me what I could not do by myself, heal.

Everyone has their own “rainy intersection,” something from their past that continues to stir up pain. Pain we allow by continually focusing on it with regret or remorse. To get past these emotional black holes, all I had to do was take baby steps, concentrating on one step and one day at a time. Focusing only on things right in front of me.

I realized with this approach anything was possible. In the last three years I have finished my Bachelors in IT and went on to get my Masters in Business Administration. I’ve gotten married and now have a granddaughter. Everything I do, I accomplish one day, one moment at a time. In Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life (Amazon link) by Anne Lamott, the writer explains how, when distracted, she tries to focus on a one-inch piece of the story:

So after I’ve completely exhausted myself thinking about the people I most resent in the world, and my more arresting financial problems, and, or course, the orthodontia, I remember to pick up the one-inch picture frame and to figure out a one-inch piece of my story to tell, one small scene, one memory, one exchange. I also remember a story that I know I’ve told elsewhere but that over and over helps me to get a grip: Thirty years ago my older brother, who was ten years old at the time, was trying to get a report on birds written that he’d had three months to write. It was due the next day. We were out at our family cabin in Bolinas, and he was at the kitchen table close to tears, surrounded by binder paper and pencils and unopened books on birds, immobilized by the hugeness of the task ahead. Then my father sat down beside him, put his arm around my brother’s shoulder, and said, ‘Bird by bird, buddy. Just take it bird by bird’.

Our granddaughter is a little over 6 months old and hasn’t taken her first steps yet, but it’s amazing to watch her grow and change from week to week. One week she couldn’t really use her hands, then a few days later she’s grabbing at everything in sight. I can’t wait until she starts taking baby steps. I just know her little steps will take her far.

Lord knows how far little steps have taken me. Sometimes the steps are as uncomfortable, unnatural, or even painful as I imagine they might be for a child the first time. But as I step through them, I’m better able to face them tomorrow armed with the wisdom of today.

Today, all the things I prayed for others to receive, I have received ten-fold. Love, peace, and family.

When life get’s a little overwhelming, get out a pen and paper and right down everything that is weighing on your mind. Ask yourself if there is any REAL action you can do with each thing on your list? Yes? Do it. No? Let it go until you can or decide it’s time to take action. Now what’s the next thing you should be doing? Just concentrate on taking the next right step in each moment. Next thing you know, you’ll be looking back towards the mountains you’ve climbed!

photo credit: Jessica Bee

Baby Steps: Climbing Mountains One Action at a Time is a post from: How To Be Happy
Don't forget to sign up for my newsletter to receive my free eBook "How To Be Happy Now!" CLICK HERE to sign up!

Doing something does not always equate to accomplishing something. For years I scurried about getting all sorts of things done, but was no closer to inner-peace and happiness as a result. Today my actions take me towards something, towards spiritual growth which is where I find the truth about myself and lasting happiness.

When I was working as a server in a restaurant, I learned how to look busy. I discovered that if you carry a ketchup bottle around and look like you’re going somewhere, people will assume you’re busy and leave you alone. I was self-centered, or as I referred to myself, shy. Which is just a form of self-centeredness and making everything about me. When all I’m thinking about is how uncomfortable I am in a situation, I’m missing the opportunity to be of service to someone else. I’m making it about me.

“Slow down and remember this: Most things make no difference. Being busy is a form of laziness-lazy thinking and indiscriminate action.”
-Tim Ferriss’ 4-Hour Workweek

Many of you may have heard me talk about my $10 life where for years I would only put $10 worth of gas in my car at a time. I was too impatient to wait any longer. As I stood their watching the numbers clicking by, I would think about all the things I had to get done. Most often, none of them were for someone else—if that was the case, $5 was the limit—back when $5 would get you somewhere. While waiting I would think about what a great friend I was and that when I was finished with the laborious task ahead, I could get back to changing the world. It was always about me—always in a rush to manage my time, always looking for something I thought I was missing. Being alone with me was too uncomfortable.

What I was missing was love for self and self acceptance

“Action to be effective must be directed to clearly conceived ends.”
-Jawaharlal Nehru

I believed my actions were directed towards achieving success, which in-turn would equate to happiness. But no matter what I achieved, there was always something else. Do you ever feel that way? I don’t know about you, but depending on forces outside myself to determine my success was an endless cycle. I would often think, “is this as good as it gets?” I thought I was happy—based on what others determined happiness looked like. I was not happy. At least compared to the happiness I have now, heck, it was not even in the same ballpark! To use a quote from Pulp-Fiction, “ain’t the same f$#&in’ ballpark, it ain’t the same league, it ain’t even the same f$#&in’ sport.”

Today when faced with a tough decision that requires action, I use a simple test: Will this action help me grow spiritually? This test can apply to any action which I’m not sure about taking. Even if the action seems selfish, it may be that I’m moving towards self-respect and love. For me, something as simple as taking the elevator vs. the stairs can be an action towards spiritual growth. Like when I find myself wanting to isolate and avoid people and can’t decide whether to take the stairs or risk having to talk to someone in the elevator. Is there any chance of spiritual growth by avoiding people? Not for me there isn’t.

Every action I take can be a clearly conceived act towards spiritual growth. And for me, living a life based on spiritual principles has been the only way I have found true and lasting inner-peace and happiness. OK, I know what you’re thinking… “every action? come on, that’s not realistic…” OK, maybe not the action of reaching for my coffee cup, but certainly every action which stirs inner conflict. Oh, and here’s the real important part!!!! If I don’t know which way to go, I ask someone! I ask someone whom I respect spiritually and will give me their unbiased opinion whether I want to hear it or not.

“The mark of a good action is that it appears inevitable in retrospect.”
-Robert Louis Stevenson

It has been my experience that actions I have taken based on spiritual growth and character building, in retrospect, seem to be the only possible choice.

If you find yourself “going through the motions” and busy busy busy, try taking some time out for yourself. Read a book, take a walk and listen to the sounds you hear around you. Put down the ketchup bottle and do something kind for yourself or someone else.

photo credit: Adam Kuban

Do Something: Finding Spiritual Growth in Daily Actions is a post from: How To Be Happy
Don't forget to sign up for my newsletter to receive my free eBook "How To Be Happy Now!" CLICK HERE to sign up!

I came across a new blog the other day, Craig over at Inward Bloom. His post, Right now you don’t have any problems, reminded me of how important staying in the moment was early in my recovery. Hang on, let me rephrase that, to say the power of staying in the moment was important is an understatement, more precisely it was critical, crucial, possibly life saving. Even today the ability to bring myself back into the moment is a vital ingredient of my inner-peace, serenity, and spiritual growth. For in this moment, everything is OK, it’s the projections I spin out into the future or regrets of the past that compromise my serenity.

Once a month for the last three years, I have been blessed with the chance to return to the alcohol treatment center where I was a patient and share my experience, strength, and hope with the current patients. One of the things I share is the importance and power of staying in the moment. Let me tell you, it is one of the hardest things to learn how to do. I remember counselors telling me over and over, “you think too much Jared, you need to stay out of your head.” Well that’s great advice and all, but how the heck do I do that? One nugget of simple advice I remember which did help, and was something I could take action on was, “if you do go in your head, don’t stay long and take someone with you.”

So I learned that by having someone go with me as I went rummaging around in my guilt and fear, they could provide me with a way back out into reality, back into the now where everything is OK. So how do you take someone with you into your thoughts? Simple, you share what you’re feeling and thinking with someone else. Preferable someone who is not emotionally invested in the outcome of your situation, someone who can provide you with a different perspective or more precisely, reality. When I am so deeply attached emotionally to a thought or feeling, it often gets distorted from what it truly is. It feeds off itself, and unless I have someone there to pull me out, back into reality, I run the risk of getting stuck there.

When I entered treatment as a result of my last bottom, the only choice I had made up to that point was to live. As a result of that choice, and the difficulty I had in making it, I was prepared to do whatever it took to get well. Part of the difficulty in making the decision to live, was the guilt and remorse of my past and the fear of the future. If I was to survive, I had to find a way to keep my mind off the failure I had become and the insurmountable mountain of a life that lay before me. I’m not sure if someone in treatment suggested it, or I figure it out on my own (doubtful), but I begin to use a technique of staying in the moment to survive. The technique was reminding myself that everything was OK in this moment, it sounded something like this:

Stop right now in this moment, look around yourself, get a sense of your surroundings and where you are at physically. Who is there, what are they doing and what are you doing? Is the sky falling? Realize that in this instant, right now, you are surrounded by people who will help you if you ask and everything, in this moment, is OK.

“What was has nothing at all to do with what is.”
-Craig from Inward Bloom

For me to survive I had to keep it simple. I learned that when I was surrounded by caring, supportive people who understood what I was going through, I was happy. I laughed with them and we shared stories about ourselves that others would not understand or would possibly find funny. We learned how to laugh at ourselves and our tragedies; we learned how to help each other stay in the moment. I would remember that feeling of happiness; and when the darkness and despair would start to descend again, I would think back about when I had felt it before, and what I had done to feel better—then I would do that, that which made me feel better last time. And if there was no one around to help me, I would stop where I was, look around, and tell myself that in that moment, everything was OK. I was alive, I was breathing, I was not in any immediate danger, no creditors were calling and I was not hurting anyone else.

As I progressed in recovery, this process became a little more natural. Today I practice this technique often, not as a response to a feeling of despair, but to remind myself of what is really important in my life; the people and relationships around me. I especially use this technique to get connected spiritually. I stop, get centered in the moment, and ask God for guidance throughout my day.

It works, it really does.

photo credit: G a r r y

The Spiritual Power of Now is a post from: How To Be Happy
Don't forget to sign up for my newsletter to receive my free eBook "How To Be Happy Now!" CLICK HERE to sign up!