“One thing that makes it so difficult to stop feeling sorry for
ourselves is how real it feels when we are full of self-regret.”
-Guy Finley (The Courage to Be Free)

Regret, in any form, nags at our consciousness continually reminding us we’re unworthy or incapable of achieving greatness or even mediocrity. Be it a relationship, job, school, or whatever, the regret of something we’ve either failed at accomplishing or even started, binds us to the past and keeps us in the dark unable to see the possibilities available to us. Consumed by self-regret, we sink into a morass of self-pity and low self-esteem. Even the possibilities available to us in the present moment are overshadowed by our past regrets.

Even though it sucks—a lot!—its familiarity keeps us bound to a cycle seemingly impossible to break.

“The secret attraction behind self-pity—why it’s so hard to set down—is that the part of us that feels like nothing makes the part of us that points out this nothingness feel quite special!”
-Guy Finley (The Courage to Be Free)

We can look at two sources for the dilemma of being stuck in self-pity and feeling sorry for ourselves: lack of choice and fear.

Lack of Choice

Lack of choice is an illusion masked by fear. Remove the fear, and we realize we have more choices than we could imagine. Just think of the possibilities (choices) if fear was not present! It’s fear that keeps us from realizing we do have choices.

The lack of choices I saw in my own life were certainly based out of fear… or maybe even laziness. Deep down I probably realized I had choices—ones that would make my life better—but that meant taking responsibility for my life and the choices I’d made up to that point. A painful life I saw as something to be endured, not lived.

The seemingly lack of choice was the result of my dependence on self, and that the world was conspiring against me; I was a victim. Worse yet, the fear that if I did make a conscious choice to do better, I would fail. And failure also meant the end of hope. Something I realize clearly now… the hope of being happy was often times more comfortable than the fear of failing to discover my true self and happiness.

Fear

The illusion of fear is most often based on past experiences; experiences that we regret and fear going through again. Once we realize the power of this fear, that it is holding us captive, we can bring light to it by revealing its truth: it’s part of our past, not our present.

“There lives nothing real in our past—regardless of how disappointing or painful it may have been—that can grab us and make us its captive, any more than dark shadows have the power to keep us from walking into the light.”
-Guy Finley (The Courage to Be Free)

When dealing with self pity (feeling sorry for yourself), think about these 10 key lessons from Guy Finley:

1. The only thing feeling sorry for yourself changes about your life is that it makes it worse.
2. No matter how you look at it, you involve yourself with whatever you resist.
3. Being wrapped up in self-pity completely spoils any chance of being able to see new possibilities as they appear. Besides, no one likes sour milk!
4. The only thing that grows from cultivating any dark seed of sorrow is more bitter fruit.
5. Feeling sorry for those who want you to feel sorry for them is like giving an alcoholic a gift certificate to a liquor store.
6. Your thoughts can no more tell you what is true about your possibilities than a set of streamside boulders can know the nature of the waters that rush by them.
7. Feeling sorry for yourself is a slow-acting poison. First it corrupts, then it consumes your heart, choking it with dark and useless emotions.
8. You cannot separate the reasons you have for feeling sorry for yourself from the sorry way you feel.
9. The heart watered by tears of self-pity soon turns to stone; it is incapable of compassion.
10. When you agree to live with sad regrets, you ensure they’ll still be with you tomorrow.

Those are all interesting right? But they’re still just words on this web page—how do we put these things into practice? The answer is one step at a time—you can climb mountains one step at a time. The first step of change is usually the hardest.

Just remember that most things worth doing are not hard, they’re just uncomfortable. There is a difference!

Moving out of self-pity and low self-esteem takes small actions that create a sense of love for self over time. One of my favorite quotes and philosophies of all time is from breakthrough specialist Francine Ward (who has an amazing story by the way!):

“You get self-esteem by doing Esteemable Acts”;
the operative word is “DOING””

Everyone probably gets tired of hearing me talk about action and DOING things. But honestly, there really is no other way. You cannot think your way into good living; you must live your way into good thinking. And that especially applies to self-pity and low self-esteem.

Here is a short simple list of things you can do to bring light to your pity party:

• Do something kind for someone… anonymously (need ideas?)
• Clean your house
• Exercise
• Volunteer at a local mission
• Make a decision to think positive thoughts about yourself today
• Take donuts to your co-workers
• When you notice negative thoughts, stop and remind yourself you have a choice
• Send a card instead of an email
• Plant some flowers
• Make your bed

So get out there and do something!

photo credit: Jamiesrabbits

Self-Pity and Overcoming Low Self-Esteem is a post from: How To Be Happy
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In a recent job interview I was asked “what are you best at?” My answer was communicating, inspiring, and remaining calm under pressure. The next question was, “how much time do you spend doing those things in your current position?” My answer… hmm, well, at first I said none but then changed it to maybe 10%. After which I shifted in my seat, gave my real serious look and said, “Here’s the deal… I wake up each morning and remind myself I’m here to be of service to others; and that I can be of service regardless of my job title.” Also known as—I’m an optimist and make the best out of any situation—speech. It became obvious I wasn’t currently in a position—professionally—to excel at what I do best. Since then I’ve been thinking about something…

How did I develop good communication skills?

The answer: getting to know myself and practice.

The ironic thing is I used to be a horrible communicator. The trail of failed relationships in my past is testimony to that. How did I go from captain (mis)communicator to where I’m at today? A place where my wife—just a few days ago—asked me, “How did you get so good at relationships and communicating?” I thought for a quick second and realized it wasn’t something I set out to accomplish; it was a by-product of self-acceptance and developing a healthy relationship with self. Becoming a good communicator was sort of by accident…

There is no shortage of top-ten lists or keys to effective communication on the web or your local bookstore (Let me Google that for you). I rarely research my topics—anyone can give you keys to effective communication—what I offer is actual experience and what has worked for me. So here are my suggestions, based on my experience, on developing good communication skills.

Disclaimer: Sometimes I still suck fail at communicating effectively. Although I am better at identifying what’s hindering my effectiveness (e.g. fear, ego).

Know Yourself

The single most effective way of relating to others is being in touch with our own emotions. I remember hearing the term get it out of your head and into your heart. It confused the hell out of me as I had no idea what they were talking about. In trying to think of a way to explain this, the simplest thing I can think of is: it takes one to know one.

The more we learn about ourselves as individuals, the better we understand others. It just makes sense, it’s logical. It’s like learning to speak the same language. Thus we’re better able to communicate.

Listen

We spend most of our time waiting for our turn to speak rather than listening. I’m still guilty of this from time to time. You know… that little voice in your head that’s suggesting something fantastic to say if they’d only stop jabbering for a minute so you can wow them with your brilliance? The moment the voice (ego) weighs in we tune out.

Here’s what I do:

As the voice starts to speak up, I recognize it and quickly tell myself (silently of course), “if it’s that important, God will put the words in my mouth when its time.” Then I try and get back to listening. Maybe you’re thinking… how can you be listening if you’re talking to yourself? Good question, it gets easier with practice—recognizing the voice, silencing it, and having the faith it will speak up when it’s time.

When we’re really listening, we identify better with a person’s emotions and experiences. See again how this all comes back to truly knowing ourselves! The ability to connect on an emotional level creates sincerity in the conversation. I have a friend who’s really good at this… he makes you feel as if you’re the most important person in his life at that moment.

Stop Judging

Most people don’t realize how visible their opinions are when communicating. We’ll get more into this when talking about body language, but when we’re judging someone, it shows. Again, this comes back to truly accepting ourselves. If we’re insecure or unclear of our own identity it’s easier to look for flaws in others.

Our ego gets involved and looks for ways of elevating us above the other person. “You’re stupid for doing it that way; this is how you should do it.” Self-righteousness will come through in our communication and create conflict between those involved.

Until we get the ego out of the way, we’re not really communicating; we’re just feeding our looking-good racket. Even the best communicators can really suck at it sometimes; emotions and ego often get in the way and cloud our judgment.

Be Understanding Rather Than Understood

Being understanding rather than understood is a passage I love from the Prayer of St. Francis and can literally change your life. Knowing and understanding self greatly increased the ability to understand others. When communicating, try and put yourself in their shoes. Granted this might be difficult if you’ve never experienced something similar, but try and relate to the emotions you hear them expressing. If you’re in touch with your own emotions, it’s easier to get a feel of what they’re going through.

When was the last time you really tried to convince someone of something? Something you knew in your heart was the right thing to do but they just couldn’t understand or balked at your suggestion or advice. It can be really frustrating.

Now, think about a time when someone was giving you advice or a suggestion. Maybe deep in your gut you felt true to the way you were approaching the situation. There was just something inside that insisted the other person didn’t know what they were talking about.

Now apply that same feeling or situation to the person you’re trying to persuade. Be understanding of their situation rather than insisting they just don’t understand what you’re trying to say. If you’re thinking, “they just don’t get it,” then you’re not communicating effectively. More importantly, it’s not your job to make them get anything; that’s their job. Just listen and give suggestions based on your experience.

I don’t know about you, but the most effective change I ever made was when I realized I didn’t have the answer and asked someone I trusted for help. The best thing you can do is show your expertise in a certain area by actions. Trust me, if someone needs or wants something you have, they’ll ask for it when ready. People are ready for advice and suggestions when they ask! Insisting they take you’re advice before they’re ready will only push them away. Sadly it usually takes emotional pain for most of us to be ready.

Validate Emotions

One of the biggest mistakes I made in previous relationships was the inability to accept my partner’s emotions. Here are a couple comments that may sound familiar:

• “I can’t believe you feel that way.”
• “You shouldn’t feel that way.”
• “Obviously you misunderstood me if you feel that way”

Hogwash and total bull crap! (I know, I have such a foul mouth) Insisting that someone shouldn’t feel a certain way is like telling them they shouldn’t breath. If you feel it, then it’s valid! Emotions are neither good or bad, wrong or right, they’re just emotions. What we need to look at is the underlying cause of the emotion. As communicators, we have an opportunity to help facilitate the discovery process. We have to be careful here though… as the underlying cause may be something we have done (more than likely it’s due to our poor communication). This is where our ego steps in to protect itself and sabotage the communication. It may insist they shouldn’t feel that way… surely they misunderstood.

Give people the dignity to own and feel their emotions.

Body Language

There’s an entire science behind body language (actually I don’t know if there is, that just sounded good and I couldn’t find an actual “science” via Google). Point being, it’s a broad topic and one I find interesting. I’ll just touch on a few things I practice or have learned.

Whether we know it or not, our body is giving off signals as to how engaged we are in communication. For example, having your arms crossed sends a closed off and unreceptive signal while an open stance sends one that is more inviting. Pay attention to how you’re standing or sitting when listening to someone.

Great communicators listen well and stay engaged in the conversation. I have a tendency to tune-out sometimes and stop “really” listening halfway through a conversation. I may fiddle with my cell phone, try to listen to the TV or something in the background, or just gaze while the other person is talking. The gazing part is a response to my brain tuning out; either to listen to something else or chatting up a storm about my response. People pick up on that. At least I know my wife does because she’ll start saying things like “so I mowed my tongue today” just to see if I’m listening. Trust me, if she notices, so do other people. Even though I still do this at times, I’m better able to catch myself and re-engage in the conversation—hopefully before they notice I left.

When I was a restaurant manager I learned to read the body language of customers. You can tell when approaching a table if they’re engaging people or just want to be left alone. You can tell, just by watching, what they need. Maybe they’re looking at their hands and wish they had another napkin or swiveling their head looking for help. Likewise, people give off signals as to what they’re feeling.

It goes back to the idea; it takes one to know one. Being in-tune with our emotions helps us feel the energy and emotions of others more easily. Those emotions come out in eye movements, hand placement, and all sorts of subtle changes in body language.

Remember the saying; Get it out of your head and into your heart? As we improve in all areas of communication through self-awareness, we can actually move past verbal communication alone and actually begin to feel conversations. It’s hard to explain. If someone is hurting you can feel it as it comes out in their body language and expression; likewise with joy and happiness.

Reduce Emotional Investment

This may be the most difficult area to master and one which many of you might disagree.

Having an emotional investment in the outcome of an interaction or conversation with someone increases the chance that our communication will be tainted by our ego’s agenda.

If you take my advice then I am right and I am a good person.

If we’re emotionally invested in the outcome of an experience or conversation, our ego or motive is driven to control the outcome in our favor. If we feel disliked or have a low self-esteem, we’re likely to sway the conversation towards something that will make us look good. This is normal and still happens to me all the time. I’ll often walk away from a conversation realizing I just made the exchange all about me. This is when I can determine if I need to apologize or connect with them again briefly to let them know I heard what they said and was taking them seriously.

To be emotionally detached from the outcome of a conversation does not mean you don’t care. It means that no matter what the outcome, you’re still able to maintain an overall sense of inner-peace and emotional stability. For me, getting to a place where happiness and peace is not contingent on outside sources is the goal. Some day’s I’m closer to that goal than others; consequently my communication is better. The more in-tune I am with my inner voice, emotions, or “gut” the better I am at communicating. That’s why prayer and meditation are an important part of my day. If my head is full of crap spinning around, I’m probably not going to be a very good communicator.

Communicating with a Partner or Spouse

This is where everything gets deep and we must rely more than ever on love and acceptance of self. This is where the rubber hits the road and we practice faith in ourselves and God’s love for us.

As we grow and mature spiritually and emotionally, we become more open, honest, and secure with who we are as individuals. This results in less need for outside sources for validation and acceptance. Thus we’re better able to give and receive love—unconditionally.

It is a beautiful thing when two emotional mature human beings share themselves with each other—which is how I view my wife and I today. The reason we communicate so well is we are both secure with who we are as individuals—separate from the other. Make no mistake about it though, we do have differences of opinions and sometimes even heated discussions. But we truly respect each other and only want what’s best for us and our marriage. This means sometimes deciding to be happy rather than right.

The faith comes in when sharing feelings, thoughts, or emotions with your partner; in faith that we are loved unconditionally by God. Now most people would say “don’t you mean loved unconditionally by your partner?” Surely you would hope so, but love and acceptance for self begins with the belief that we’re loved unconditionally regardless of our circumstances. The point here is that when we share our lives and inner-most feelings with someone (anyone), we must feel somewhat complete and whole—or we’re going to filter what we share in fear we won’t be accepted or loved. Have you ever shared just enough of something with your partner to see what their reaction is going to be? Then, based on how they react, alter what you say or do?

One HUGE breakthrough in my ability to communicate effectively with my wife (shortly after we first met) was the day I took a chance. A chance that even if I shared my inner-most feelings, emotions, fears, etc. that she might just stick around. This worked because I was already OK with myself and knew I would be fine if she left or thought less of me. Sure it would suck, but the reality was, my inner-peace and clear conscience meant more to me and was bigger than any one person or relationship; regardless of how much they meant to me. So I had faith, took a chance, opened up and was completely honest. A funny thing happened, not only did she stick around; she was inspired and loved me even more for being honest.

Your homework; is to practice an ancient Sufi tradition: In your life together, speak words to your beloved only if they can pass through 3 gates: First, is it truthful? Second, is it necessary? Third, is it kind? If your words are truthful & necessary & kind, then the love you have maintained up until today will be nourished and continue to grow & your name will continue to remain safe in your beloved’s mouth.
-The Guaranteed Way to Never Say Something You’ll Regret!

Granted this is a lot easier said then done. Even though I know this whole concept in theory, I still fall back into old habits sometimes. Or I should say old fears.

It’s been my experience that being completely honest about everything is a lot easier. Although I do believe it works best when the individuals involved are secure with themselves and emotionally mature. It takes a certain level of emotional maturity to not take everything your partner says personal. If you really want your partner to be completely honest and open with you, make sure they know you love them unconditionally no matter what. I guess you’d better make sure you do though… because it will show.

A therapist told me once I suffered from conflict avoidance… the term is pretty self-explanatory. Although I thought the word suffer was a little extreme. Anyway, I would bet most people would rather avoid conflict—I know that’s not always the case but we’ll leave the discussion of what their payoff is for another time. The important thing here is paying attention to how you react to what your partner is communicating. If you’re reaction is negative, they’re liable to avoid sharing such information with you again. I know this seems illogical and practically impossible to follow; not showing deep emotion when someone shares something hurtful with you. But if we’re coming from a place of love and acceptance, there really isn’t anything that can cause us harm. Plus, we cannot change what the person has already done. What we can control is our reaction and what we do from this point forward.

One technique I use when learning of something that may seemingly be hurtful to me, is ask myself: have I done the same thing? Chances are, at some point in my life I have done the exact same thing or something similar; this allows me to be understanding and empathetic.

I used to hate the question, “what are you feeling?” The truth was I just didn’t know. So I made up something; usually something I knew they wanted to hear. I didn’t know who I was as a person and continually searched outside myself for happiness and acceptance. The result was terrible communication since every conversation was conducted by my ego trying to keep itself safe.

The Bottom Line

If you want to develop better communication skills, start building a healthy relationship with yourself. Start by opening the lines of communication with your inner-self. After all, you have to be with YOU more than anyone else; you might as well learn how to get along!

What skills do you practice to become a better communicator?

Oh, one more thing – I got the job!

photo credit: joshfassbind.com

How to Develop Good Communication Skills (accidentally on purpose) is a post from: How To Be Happy
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You’ve probably heard the saying, “We’re spiritual beings having a human experience.” I have no idea who originally said that… but I believe it to be true. Do you?

The first question you should ask yourself before getting too far into this subject is: do you believe you are a spiritual being?

No? (stick around and see what you find)
Yes? (keep reading)

Call it intuition, a heightened sense of awareness, enlightenment, etc., the idea that we’re spiritual beings is nothing new yet people still seem confused on what this actually means. For me, it simply means I’m part of something bigger, i.e. I’m not the center of the universe.

Whether we believe this something bigger to be God or some creator, who knows and honestly… who cares. We can live a spiritual life, and find spiritual love, without defining what or why we should believe in something. More importantly, we can allow others to do the same. Now that we have that out of the way…

Spiritual love is something that comes from both the heart and the mind; it is unconditional love. As intellectual beings, we often confuse our thoughts with what’s in our hearts. The farthest distance in the world is often the twelve inches between our head and our heart. Knowing we should be loving and caring and acting that way are two completely different things. We’re judged by our actions not our intentions.

So how do we get it out of our head (this idea of love and caring) and into our hearts?

We must first learn love, empathy, and understanding for ourselves. Then and only then can we truly recognize and EXPRESS these feelings towards others. Try explaining to someone what broccoli tastes like if you have never tasted it yourself or how a baby’s skin feels against your cheek if you’ve never experienced it.

In order to fully accept and love others unconditionally we need to start with ourselves. Once we develop spiritual love for self, it will come naturally for others. The deeper our acceptance and love for self goes, the less we need externally to feel loved and validated. As we need less externally to prop up our ego and self-esteem, our need to judge others declines and the ability to love unconditionally increases.

A few months ago I heard something simple yet life changing: Want peace? Suspend judgment of yourself and others. I thought that was amazing and very powerful.

Learning to suspend judgment of ourselves is not easy and takes hard work. I found it difficult to stop judging myself after years of living a life I wasn’t proud of—and the realization I wasn’t as fond of myself as I previously thought (head vs. heart).  My ego (head) said I was a big shot while my heart told me I was a failure unworthy of love. My discovery process was through working on myself spiritually and emotionally; things I talked about in the Spiritual Serenity Series. It was and is hard work at times, but damn is it worth it!

22 Ways Spiritual Love Will Change Your Life

1. You will develop more meaningful relationships based out of true respect and love; not what can you do for me?
2. Resentments will fade—eventually disappear entirely—due to diminished expectations of others and yourself
3. You will discover you need less to be happy (materially and emotionally)
4. The world will seem a lot more peaceful, no matter what is going on around you
5. As you develop a more altruistic view, you’ll find happiness and peace is the reward
6. Others will naturally be drawn to you
7. You will attract abundance in areas you didn’t even know you were lacking
8. You will sleep better
9. People in your life will know how much they mean to you
10. You will notice things in people and nature which you never realized were there before
11. Gratitude will start to fill your heart more than fear and loneliness
12. You will realize that anyone, at any given moment, is doing the best they can
13. You will feel genuine happiness for others good fortune as opposed to envy
14. Your past will become your biggest asset
15. You will begin to realize little in life is really hard, just uncomfortable at times
16. Each moment will be filled of unimaginable potential
17. Love will become your favorite word and action
18. Exercise and living healthy will become more important as love for self grows
19. You will find what it is you were always looking for
20. Food will taste better
21. You will never be alone again
22. You will consistently feel on the verge of greatness as opposed to calamity

Wow, what a list eh?  What do you think? Do you love yourself today?

photo credit: millzero

The Power of Spiritual Love and 22 Ways It Will Change Your Life is a post from: How To Be Happy
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Last night my wife and I watched the Dr. Wayne W. Dyer movie The Shift(Amazon). The main message is that we all seek fulfillment or purpose, but need help sometimes from what Dr. Dyer describes as a quantum moment. The Shift happens after this quantum moment as we shift from living in the morning of our lives—driven by ego—into the afternoon—living on purpose; while everything in the morning was a lie.

The movie opens with Dr. Dyer getting out of bed and his first words are; “thank you, thank you, thank you.”

Gratitude, a most powerful action.

The term “living life on purpose,” previously meant something else to me. I associated it with intent, ambition, and drive. You know, waking up and living life on purpose! Today it means something totally different: living life on purpose; as in on task or in the zone of what my purpose is.

My quantum moment happened on March 12th 2006; and the shift happened over a period of years (and continues today) as a result of my willingness to turn my will and life over to a power greater than myself. To let Go and Let God. Although my quantum moment was a time and place I can remember vividly, the process of shifting my life in to purpose and happiness has been gradual. Moving into this afternoon of my life took work on my part; starting with a spiritual program I found in recovery and continue to work at daily through the routines I outline in The Spiritual Serenity Series.

The Shift was a very inspiring movie and message, yet I found that I had already moved into this phase of my life. Most of what I discuss here on How to Be Happy is the result of that shift and how I got here and what I do to continue a life on purpose. I understood everything Dr. Dyer discussed in the movie, as I experience it daily, but it still leaves a lot unanswered for those who struggle with making a shift in their lives. Unfortunately, most people need some type of quantum moment to propel them into making a shift. Often this moment comes from desperation as it did for me. In essence, this shift is the movement away from a life lived through and for ego and into a life lived on purpose; an intrinsic purpose given to use by our creator.

All these movies, techniques, and theories sound well, but theories do not satisfy the soul. The gap is to find exercises or practical direction of action which can move us towards this shift. No doubt there are programs which accomplish this. For me, it was the action I first took in my recovery program. Simple actions like taking a moral inventory and sharing it with someone else. Making amends and being of service were all practical actions taken which moved me along this shift to a life lived on purpose.

It is my purpose to help others find a way to make this shift in their lives. I know this is a bold statement, but I feel it to be true. That is part of what I’m doing at JaredAkers.com HowToFindHappiness.net. I’m not trying to re-package anything and most certainly not attempting to adapt my experience to benefit from Dr. Wayne Dyers (or anyone else’s) great success; I’m simply sharing what has worked for me. It is my belief and experience that anyone has the ability to be happy and make this transition in their life without the pain and desperation I experienced. I chose to make a shift in my life to live; I would rather have died than continued to live the way I was living. Only then was I willing to stop listening to ego and begin the process of learning how to tune-in to the inner voice of my creator. Must everyone be that desperate? Are those of us who are trying to help others avoid such pain and suffering robbing them of the gift of desperation; the catalyst which will surely move them into a shift in their lives? I don’t believe so. The bottom is not a place, it’s a decision.

One benefit of my spiritual journey has been the realization of self-love. By surrendering to the idea that I am not God, moving out of ego, and into a life lived for a power greater than myself, I’m able to experience empathy for myself. In hindsight, it’s easy to recognize the lack of self-love in all those years of living life based in ego and self preservation. Simply put: had I truly loved myself, I wouldn’t have treated me the way I did. In the race to gather acceptance and validation from outside sources, I compromised my morals, values, and dignity. The amazing gift of self-love and the realization that everything I need has been (or will be) given to me by my creator, allows me to lower expectations of myself and others. The result is the ability to accept and give love unconditionally.

“Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, “You owe me.” Look what happens with a love like that. It lights up the whole sky.”
-Hafiz

As Dr. Dyer explains, we have everything we need while being created in the womb. No outside help or interference is necessary. It’s a miracle. Yet as soon as we are born, it’s as if we say, “Thanks God, I’ll take it from here.” Thus our ego starts taking over: Easing God Out.

“When you showed up here in this world, you showed up here from a tiny little drop of human protoplasm; a spec if you will. And everything that was in that little spec became you. Everything that you needed was in that tiny little spec.”
-Dr. Wayne W. Dyer – The Shift

Our ego tells us who we should be, how we should live, and the definition of success and happiness; which is a lie because it’s all based on external sources. The truth is Dr. Dyer suggests, and as I truly believe, that everything we need to be happy and fulfilled is already inside of us, given to use by our creator. The same force that gave us everything we needed in the womb is still with us; thus we still have access to anything we need to live our life on purpose. We just need to get our ego out of the way, be open minded and willing, and let the universe bring it to us. However, we must not confuse this idea with procrastination; we must take action to prepare ourselves in being ready and able to recognize these moments and gifts as they arrive. Anything else is still primarily our ego talking.

If everything we need to become who we are is already in us, why do we continually seek outside of ourselves for happiness and purpose? Because we’re still living for and by ego; telling us if only we had this or that we’d be happy.

We all have an inner voice telling us there must be something more out there, some purpose to our lives. Start listening to it! Think about how you lean in to overhear a conversation that catches your interest. Maybe you’re thinking these people are weak or you’re too proud to ask them questions, but you still sort of lean in and want to know more. Start listening to that need to know and want more out of life and let it take you to where you’re destined to go.

Here’s a small example of how life purpose manifests in my life; letting me know I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be at any given time.

A few bits of background: 1. If you’ve been a reader of How to Be Happy for a while, you know my fondness of the Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi. While watching The Shift, Dr. Dyer often refers to the power and significance of this prayer. 2. My wife and I got married on Kauai and have talked about returning ever since; we love the spiritual essence and beauty of Hawaii. We also recently discovered that a friend of ours has a rental property on Maui, another island we truly want to, and will, visit. 3. I’m currently reading Disappearance of The Universe and have a spiritual advisor who often talks about A Course in Miracles. (it’s my understanding that they are somewhat related to each other yet I’m still haven’t read either completely)

Ok, now back to my story… so there’s one book of Dr. Dyer’s that I’ve considered purchasing for a while; There’s a Spiritual Solution to Every Problem(Amazon). Today my wife and were in the book store so I picked up this book and looked at the back cover which has printed on it the Prayer of Saint Francis. Cool I thought. Next I open the front to one of the first pages and saw this:

“You have no problems, though you think you have…”
-A Course in Miracles

Wow, that’s cool too I think. Then I turn a few pages to the books Forward and read:

“I completed the initial writing of this book on the fifteenth of June, 2000, at our home on Maui, with a wonderful sense of accomplishment.”

OK, someone’s telling me I need this book. So I purchased it knowing I was making the right decision.

This may only sound like coincidences to most or a stretch for others, but for me, these types of experiences happen all the time. They are guide posts along my spiritual journey telling me I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be at that place and time. By being self-aware and present to my creator in as many moments as possible, I’m open to these experiences; which are awesome!

Thanks for reading,

photo credit: WTL photos

Dr. Wayne Dyer’s The Shift and the Realization That Everything You Need is Already Within You is a post from: How To Be Happy
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Finding happiness is somewhat of a paradox.

“The pursuit of happiness is a most ridiculous phrase, if you pursue happiness you’ll never find it.”
-C. P. Snow

It would seem that finding happiness is somewhat like finding love, or the wind. We can feel it and even see it, but how do we actually go about finding it? Happiness is an emotion or state of being in that it is manifested within ourselves as a result of our experiences. Many times we may associate happiness with an external stimuli or interaction with someone or something. When in reality, happiness actually comes from within us as an emotional state of being. So how do we go about finding happiness within ourselves?

In order to have inner happiness, we must first be at peace with who we are and our place in the world. This peace comes with living up to the highest ideals we have for ourselves. Often, when we fall short of this ideal self, we experience unhappiness in the form of depression or low self-esteem. Therefore, getting to a place of self-acceptance is an important step to finding happiness.

Self-acceptance can be a hard journey to undertake. Especially with the fear of what we may find looming over our heads. However, if we’re serious about finding inner happiness we must travel this road and work at accepting ourselves as best we can.

I heard someone say once that serenity comes when we learn to accept the consequences of being ourselves. The fact is, we’re “human” as they say, and as such we’re fallible and prone to make mistakes and miss our ideal self. If we’re to find happiness, we must at least try to do the best we can and learn to be content with our best. Even when we fall short, we must remind ourselves about the difficulty of the task and avoid constant self-discouragement.

Start listening to the inner-voice that is constantly telling you whether you can or cannot do something. Does the voice sound like it could come from your best friend? Think about how you would encourage a close friend to keep trying and doing their best. Is that the voice you hear talking to you when you fall short? If not, trying reminding yourself that you ARE doing your best, and if you’re not, step it up a little and start out small. Avoid trying to change your entire life in a few short days or weeks. Remember, it took years to form the person you are today, finding inner happiness cannot happen over night.

Finding happiness in yourself comes with practice and hard work. Always remember to be your own best friend and biggest fan! The world is tough enough on many of us so don’t add to the negativity by constantly berating yourself.

I often find myself talking down to me when I do something stupid or “think” is stupid. Luckily for me, my wife is also my biggest fan. When she over hears me talking to myself in a negative manner, she’ll often say, “hey, don’t talk to my friend that way.” It’s a good reminder of how I see myself. And just think, for all the times we don’t verbally talk down to ourselves our mind is constantly talking to us.

Instead of thinking about finding happiness, turn your thoughts to finding self-acceptance. Self-acceptance comes through learning what you are actually capable of doing and keeping the expectations of yourself realistic. I’m guilty of often placing too high expectations of myself and often those around me. I’ve gotten much better at this through the years however, and consequently, my happiness level has increased dramatically.

An example of expectations I set for myself was when I recently finished my MBA. I hadn’t really thought a whole lot about my grades, but knew I had gotten a lot of A’s. Towards the end I actually realized the possibility of finishing with a perfect 4.0. I started to panic and putting way too much pressure on myself. I was looking farther ahead then I had been to get to that point. In the past, looking too far ahead often got me into trouble, in that the tasks at hand seemed overwhelming and often caused me to quit or fail before I even gave myself a chance. In the end, I got back to the process that had gotten me to that point and did finish with a perfect grade. For me, that means breaking my tasks down to manageable portions. Specifically with school, I seldom looked farther than one week in advance; concentrating on just the things I need to do for that week and using an online task list to keep track. By breaking the tasks down to things I knew I could manage, I got a weekly feeling of inner happiness; a little victory each and every week.

In getting back to finding inner happiness, try breaking down some of the ideal traits and goals you have for yourself to a weekly or daily list. This can help you have a daily success story and find happiness in what you’ve accomplished each and every day. Remember, however, to keep the tasks manageable and avoid being too hard on yourself if you fall short. If you find you’re constantly falling short, maybe you need to break your goals down to smaller pieces; putting pieces in the right order that may be dependent on one or the other.

Instead of striving toward finding happiness, strive for self-acceptance and building a healthy, loving, personal relationship with you. You’ll soon find happiness will find you!

Finding Happiness is a post from: How To Be Happy
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Today I first want to encourage everyone to go check out Dena’s blog, Evolution You. Dena asked me to write a guest post on my experience with addiction and alcoholism. More specifically, how I overcome addiction each and every day. So please check it out, Overcoming Addiction Through Spiritual Growth.

Now let’s talk a little about self-destruction.

When I was in an alcoholism treatment center, I always had my guitar with me. One of my favorite songs I would play is, It Ain’t Easy Being Me by Chris Knight. The music video is shot in the middle of a demolition derby and presents a interesting visual as to the theme of the song. Self-Destruction. Most of the patients and myself could relate. I still play the song today when I share my story at treatment centers, but as a reminder of how I used to be.

There ought to be a town somewhere
Named for how I feel
Yeah I could be the mayor down there
And say ‘welcome to sorryville’
It wouldn’t be on a map no where
You might say that it don’t exist
But if you make enough wrong turns
It’da be hard to miss

There ought to a bridge somewhere they could dedicate to me
I’d probably come to the ceremony with a can of gasoline
Walk on over to the other side
Where I’d light a match
Sit and stare through the smoke and flames and wonder how I’m gonna get back

Why do I do the things I do?
Was I born this way or am I self made fool?
I shoot the lights and I curse the dark
I need your love but I break your heart
And I know the words that’ll bring you back but
But I don’t say nothing as I watch you pack
I had to work to become the jerk I’ve come to be
It ain’t easy being me

There oughta be a side show “act”
For freaks like me
I could be the star of the show with my name on the marquee
In a room with a big red button that says ‘danger do not touch’
Twice a day I’d mash it down and you can watch me self-destruct

Why do I do the things I do?
Was I born this way or am I self made fool?
I shoot the lights and I curse the dark
I need your love but I break your heart
And I know the words that will bring you back
But I don’t say nothing as I watch you pack
I had to work to become the jerk i’ve come to be
It ain’t easy being me
It ain’t easy being me

I lived a self-destructive life because I did not feel worthy of something better. But here’s the kicker, I did not know that! Not until I spent time getting to know and love myself, did I realize how unhealthy my relationship with myself was. I had to learn how to have a healthy relationship with myself; which in turn allowed me to have healthy relationship with others.

Sometimes we sabotage ourselves as a result of trying to avoid the one thing we fear the most. It’s sort of like a self-fulfilling prophecy. …actually, I guess that would be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Many people with abandonment issues find themselves in this situation—myself included. We’re so afraid that someone is going to leave us, we unknowingly place unreasonable demands on them in an effort to create the perfect relationship. Anytime we place the fate of our happiness on others, we’re bound to be disappointed. Inevitably, the person we’re placing demands on, fails at meeting our expectations and we drive them away. Thus, substantiating and feeding our belief that everyone leaves.

I always seemed hell-bent (whatever that means) on sabotaging myself. I would have the best of intentions, but my actions always fell short. I treated myself in ways I would never treat a good friend or loved one. And let me tell you from experience, if you don’t love yourself, it makes it really difficult to give and accept love in a lasting healthy manner.

I used to get confused…. thinking that what I was showing to the world on the outside, was how I felt about myself on the inside. Today, those feelings are more in-sync with each other—my insides match my outsides.

So the next time you start giving yourself a hard time, stop and give yourself a break. Ask yourself if you’d treat your best friend that way. Maybe if you start being kinder to you, you’ll want a better life for you and stop sabotaging yourself.

Now go say Hi to Dena at Evolution You and read my guest post, Overcoming Addiction Through Spiritual Growth.

photo credit: a4gpa

It Ain’t Easy Being Me: Avoiding Self-Destruction is a post from: How To Be Happy
Don't forget to sign up for my newsletter to receive my free eBook "How To Be Happy Now!" CLICK HERE to sign up!

If I were running for WPO (World Peace Officer), this would be my campaign speech:

Make no bones about it… world. Things are going to get a lot worse before they get better. And I mean a lot worse. At times, we will wonder if it is worth the fight, as we lay down our weapons to shield the dust from our eyes that settles from the apocalyptic sky.

True peace only comes from within, within each one of us as individuals. Moreover, for that to happen, each society and thus its citizens must discover truth on their own. It must evolve and not be forced through punishments and rewards.

In the words of Steve Pavlina regarding reward and punishment structures of traditional religions, ‘When you see enforcement based on the promise of rewards and punishments, you’re not witnessing real truth. You’re witnessing marketing masquerading as truth.’

A peace that evolves on its own, through evolution is the only long-lasting path to world peace. Forcing peace is a paradox. A paradox perpetuated since man began demanding more than his fair share of resources. A cycle that will continue until something great comes to pass, something with unfathomable depth and weight.

Most likely, it will be destructive in nature, the likes of which we have never seen or could have imagined. In the end, if anyone is left, love is all that will unite us. Love which first we found for ourselves through the greatest gift of all—desperation. From which will spawn true unconditional love and acceptance between all people regardless of race or religion.

In the meantime, we are all in this together, so we had better learn how to get along. Live long and prosper. Peace out.

So here it is, the key to world peace…. drum roll please:

1. Children. Teach our children to love and accept themselves for who they are as individuals. Self-acceptance leads to self-enlightenment, intrinsic love for oneself and thus empathy and compassion for others.
2. Media. Stop scaring everyone! Stop telling us how horrific we are, and start reminding us of how loving we can be.

The other night my wife and I watched the movie Watchmen. There was one line in there that really spoke to me. The character Rorschach was responding to a question about why he brutally killed a man who murdered a little girl:

Rorschach: You see, Doctor, God didn’t kill that little girl. Fate didn’t butcher her and destiny didn’t feed her to those dogs. If God saw what any of us did that night he didn’t seem to mind. From then on I knew… God doesn’t make the world this way. We do.

When I was at my darkest moment and contemplating suicide, a few people came to see me. One person who did not try to rescue me this time was my mother. She prayed. She knew there was nothing she could do. Part of the gift of Life is the gift of allowing us to live it.

It is called Free Will.

Sometimes I just want to grab the world and shake it. Wake up everyone! Can’t we all just get along?

Rodney King summed it up in a few simple words, “People, I just want to say, you know, can we all get along? Can we get along? Can we stop making it, making it horrible for the older people and the kids?…It’s just not right. It’s not right. It’s not, it’s not going to change anything ….Please, we can get along here. We all can get along. I mean, we’re all stuck here for a while. Let’s try to work it out. Let’s try to beat it. Let’s try to beat it. Let’s try to work it out.”

What a simple but powerful statement, “we’re all stuck here for a while. Let’s try to work it out.”

I found this article by Douglas Noll titled “Why Can’t We All Just Get Along?” It’s quite amazing and pretty short so click here and read it! I’ll wait… … …really you should read it… I know there’s so much stuff out there to read just get on with it already!! I was the same way, I kept skimming the article to cut parts out and highlight but just found it was too good, so you should go read the whole thing.

The article talks about human beings and our ability to be rational that sets us apart from other species, and how the majority of laws and foreign policies are based off this premise that we are rational thinkers. However, the truth is that human beings are 98 percent emotional and about 2 percent rational. When faced with insecurity or anxiety, we have a choice between reactivity and reflection based actions. Our default mode being reactive if no choice is consciously made. From the article in case you didn’t read it and again even if you did:

If the choice for reflection is made, we have learned to reflect, relate, and relax. The insecurity arising from a conflict situation is recognized as pointing to a pathway of growth towards greater peace and self-realization. We are led by our curiosity to discover something new, find what is lost, or complete unfinished business. Success leads us to wholeness, authenticity, power and wisdom.

The path, however, is not easy. From anxiety and insecurity, we experience inadequacy (we don’t know what to do) and a drop in self-esteem (we don’t feel good about self). We ride on a broad emotional river and often experience fear of death, a drowning sensation, being shaky, or cold. Along this journey, our fear reaction system could pull us off the path of peace.

At the end of this emotional drop, we end in a calm pool that represents the essential peace within us. In this state, we hold an unshakable foundation of belief in ourselves. We are authentic; we are present in the moment. We exhibit a full spectrum of self as robust, rainbow colored, and multi-faceted. From this place, we can be compassionate, tolerant, exhibit loving-kindness, and embrace peace. This is what I have observed many people experiencing as they engage in conflict resolution and achieve peace.

The part that jumped out to me was, “If the choice for reflection is made, we have learned to reflect, relate, and relax. The insecurity arising from a conflict situation is recognized as pointing to a pathway of growth towards greater peace and self-realization. We are led by our curiosity to discover something new, find what is lost, or complete unfinished business. Success leads us to wholeness, authenticity, power and wisdom.”

I heard a recovering addict express what it meant to be reflective, something he learned through the practice of living on spiritual principles. I don’t remember exactly how he phrased it, but the point is what matters.

Prior to recovery, whether I was actively in my addiction or not, everything I did was a reaction. You put in a quarter, I played B-12. You piss me off, you’d better watch out because yours is coming. I was predictable. Today, when I feel threatened or start to react, I pause. It is in that moment of pause and reflection that I become human.

That is just something to think about when we look at the first key to world peace, children.

Children

First let me confess something, I am a conservative. I was and am for the War in Iraq and Afghanistan. My views are changing however, and the reasons I am not against these particular wars are a little more complex than oil and power. Why do I feel the wars are necessary? To promote democracy. I know it sounds… well, conservative.

Democracy is a system of government in which either the actual governing is carried out by the people governed (direct democracy), or the power to do so is granted by them

OK, now I’ll get into my rational view behind this. And I will say that it is shifting towards more of a pacifist view (its sort of a chicken or egg thing), but I’ll get into that in a minute. So on to the first item on my list, children and their relation to democracy.

A few years ago I saw this special on 60 Minutes or some similar type show (I couldn’t find it to reference) about Jihad and the way children in some Muslim countries are being taught to view the rest of the world. Children are taught to hate anyone who does not have their beliefs (infidel’s) and ultimately to kill them. Children. How can we hope to have a peaceful future when the world’s children are being taught hatred? It’s scary, it really is. And yes some will argue that other groups are doing something similar with their teachings. I agree, but none of those that I know of, promote hatred and death. What they believe to be true, is just as true to them as what we believe.

This isn’t just children of radical Islamic beliefs. I’m talking about children everywhere, and here in America. We need to teach or children about tolerance, love, and acceptance. That they are good enough just as they are and that everything they will ever need is within themselves. There is a big difference between self-esteem and selfishness. If I could make a blanket statement (or word) about the youth today, it would be entitlement. I get the feeling that most kids these days feel entitled to everything they have. It’s a result of societies need to have more than our share of resources or “keeping up with the Joneses.” Everyone is looking for validation outside of himself or herself (material possessions) which means more work and less time for our children. Our children then grow up looking for immediate gratification since they were raised on video games and YouTube. Then, as they get older, they reach a breaking point, become enlightened, and spend the rest of their life trying to rid themselves of material attachments. At least in my view the lucky ones do. The cycle needs to change. More self-love = more love and empathy for others.

A few years ago, I had a thought… amazing I know,  about getting children or young adults together from different countries. Initially I thought of a social network site focused on youth from around the world, specifically between American and Middle Eastern children. When I visited Russia as a teenager, we meet with hundreds of young adults our age and the atmosphere always seemed happy and accepting. We realized we had more in common with each other and did not really understand why our countries leaders could not just get along. It seemed so simple as young adults. It would seem that if we could just get our children together, before their minds are corrupted by years of jaded views of the world and belief systems, something great might happen.

Now back to democracy. By promoting democracy, we allow the human nature of wanting to be free and self-realization a better chance of emerging. Some of these cultures have never known what its like to think for themselves, so they have no comparison. Take for example a primate or tiger brought up in captivity (I apologize for the human to animal comparison), which has known no other existence and for all it knows, the cage in which it lives is the entire universe. Yet somewhere in its soul, it must feel there is something else out there. And yes I realize this is an assumption, but stay with me. Now, let that animal out, and they often try to get back in. For that is where they feel comfortable. Reintegrating them into the wild is an extremely long process in that they have to be taught to think for themselves; how to hunt, gather, seek shelter, etc. As a former zookeeper and specifically a primate keeper, I witnessed some interesting things in regards to captive animals. I realize it is a stretch to compare captive animals to humans. But aren’t those who are forced to believe certain things about the world around them, in some way, being held captive?

I know what you are thinking; I’m contradicting myself by proposing the spread of democracy. What about the reintegration topic and forcing beliefs? This is where the chicken or the egg thing comes into play. A few weeks ago in 100 Secrets on Finding Happiness, I talked about “if nothing changes then nothing changes.” That in order for me to even have a chance of learning how to swim, at some point I was going to have to stop the car and get out. There has to be something to break the cycle of some of these nations and people living under the veil that they have freedom. Sure, they may not want it once we leave, but at least we gave them a chance at something they never would have had. Why do you think there aren’t car bombings in America everyday like in other countries? Because we as free individuals wouldn’t put up with that shit! Period.

The key is to get civilizations to desire freedom for themselves as individuals. Freedom realized through self-expression and freedom of speech. Things found mostly in democratic countries. As far as I know.

Let me state here that I’m not a historian or know anything about what peoples lives are in most other countries. My only experience outside the U.S. is I spent a month in the Soviet Union (USSR) back in 1989 and have visited several of the Caribbean Islands and Mexico since then. I found Russia to be generally gray in color and depressing. However the people, were people just like you and me. They were welcoming and warm. I quickly realized how fortunate Americans are and that things such as toilet paper were considered a luxury.

Back to Noll’s article, how do we get the world to “reflect, relate, and relax?” I used to believe that promoting democracy was the answer. Civilizations, which are being held captive by limiting their views and stunting their intrinsic desires, need to be free. How can we stand by and watch as a dictator ruthlessly kills his people? What does that make us as humans to stand by and watch as our neighbor is being bludgeoned to death while we watch and do nothing? The moral thing to do is stop it right?

The pacifist would argue that violence only perpetuates more violence, and to some extent, I would agree. Yet we’re back to the chicken or the egg thing again. What about those who are too weak to fend for themselves? Do we chalk it up to survival of the fittest or evolution?

In my journey to overcome my personal issues and discover how to be happy, I resisted all suggestions or even forced directions of change. People smarter than me told me over and over what inner-peace looked like. However, I would not listen until my life depended on it. Not until I had, as they say, reached my bottom, and was willing to surrender was real, long-lasting, significant change possible. The key is getting the children to learn, at an early age what freedom looks and feels like. Alternatively, letting civilization, as we know it, hit bottom.

Peace that evolves on its own, through evolution is the only long-lasting answer to world peace. Forcing peace is a paradox and as long as it continues, the cycle will continue. I don’t think we should leave the Middle East or other conflicted areas because we should “mind our own business” or let them “fend for themselves.” And there is no doubt in my mind that if we give up the fight and leave, things will get worse long before they’ll ever get better. Nevertheless, it seems that we must at least give people a chance to experience what freedom feels like.

Sitting by and watching as a world destroys itself is tough and hard, yet at times seems necessary. I can only imagine how difficult it was for my mother to watch me kill myself—just hoping that I would surrender and give up the fight. I had to surrender to win, and I have won everything. I believe that is how God views us as we all destroy ourselves.

Children are crucial to world peace for they hold the views of our future. We must teach them how to get along, not by forcing our will on others, but by example. Moreover, even though I do believe that violence only breeds more violence, at some point the cycle has to change. Maybe our children will be able to accomplish this where we have failed.

Media

My wife and I refuse to watch the local news. It is disgusting—everyone running around in fear. The night we decided to start boycotting the news, we were talking about how you’d think the sky was falling. A few nights later, just as we were turning the TV off, we caught a preview of the big story on the nightly newscast, “Mystery Fireballs Fall from the Texas Sky.” We immediately looked at each other and busted out in laughter. It’s so cool having someone that thinks the same way.

Remember the part in Noll’s article, “Along this journey, our fear reaction system could pull us off the path of peace.” The media makes a living of pulling every human being off the path of peace through constant fear. Think about the 24-hour news cycle that resulted after 9/11. Today, we have fear fed straight into our living rooms 24-hours a day! I realize this is not actually the media’s fault; they’re only broadcasting what people want to watch. It’s a business. “If it bleeds it leads.” Personally, I have been through that “emotional drop” that Noll talks about and found the calm pool of peace within myself. And guess what? As a result, I no longer watch the news! I avoid exposure to forces that pull me off the path of peace. The more we as humans move onto the “pathway of growth towards greater peace and self-realization,” the less we’ll allow media to pull us off our path of peace. People will stop tuning into the fear and media will have to start broadcasting something else.

The media needs to stop scaring everyone. It’s no wonder violence runs rampant on the streets these days, every one is freaking out! My wife and I often talk about starting a media company that goes up against local news stations and highlights only positive news. There are miracles and amazing things happening in the world, I wish we could get more people focusing on those. But until its what people want to see, nothing will change.

So that’s it, the key to world peace.

The Key to World Peace: Children and The Media is a post from: How To Be Happy
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Doing something does not always equate to accomplishing something. For years I scurried about getting all sorts of things done, but was no closer to inner-peace and happiness as a result. Today my actions take me towards something, towards spiritual growth which is where I find the truth about myself and lasting happiness.

When I was working as a server in a restaurant, I learned how to look busy. I discovered that if you carry a ketchup bottle around and look like you’re going somewhere, people will assume you’re busy and leave you alone. I was self-centered, or as I referred to myself, shy. Which is just a form of self-centeredness and making everything about me. When all I’m thinking about is how uncomfortable I am in a situation, I’m missing the opportunity to be of service to someone else. I’m making it about me.

“Slow down and remember this: Most things make no difference. Being busy is a form of laziness-lazy thinking and indiscriminate action.”
-Tim Ferriss’ 4-Hour Workweek

Many of you may have heard me talk about my $10 life where for years I would only put $10 worth of gas in my car at a time. I was too impatient to wait any longer. As I stood their watching the numbers clicking by, I would think about all the things I had to get done. Most often, none of them were for someone else—if that was the case, $5 was the limit—back when $5 would get you somewhere. While waiting I would think about what a great friend I was and that when I was finished with the laborious task ahead, I could get back to changing the world. It was always about me—always in a rush to manage my time, always looking for something I thought I was missing. Being alone with me was too uncomfortable.

What I was missing was love for self and self acceptance

“Action to be effective must be directed to clearly conceived ends.”
-Jawaharlal Nehru

I believed my actions were directed towards achieving success, which in-turn would equate to happiness. But no matter what I achieved, there was always something else. Do you ever feel that way? I don’t know about you, but depending on forces outside myself to determine my success was an endless cycle. I would often think, “is this as good as it gets?” I thought I was happy—based on what others determined happiness looked like. I was not happy. At least compared to the happiness I have now, heck, it was not even in the same ballpark! To use a quote from Pulp-Fiction, “ain’t the same f$#&in’ ballpark, it ain’t the same league, it ain’t even the same f$#&in’ sport.”

Today when faced with a tough decision that requires action, I use a simple test: Will this action help me grow spiritually? This test can apply to any action which I’m not sure about taking. Even if the action seems selfish, it may be that I’m moving towards self-respect and love. For me, something as simple as taking the elevator vs. the stairs can be an action towards spiritual growth. Like when I find myself wanting to isolate and avoid people and can’t decide whether to take the stairs or risk having to talk to someone in the elevator. Is there any chance of spiritual growth by avoiding people? Not for me there isn’t.

Every action I take can be a clearly conceived act towards spiritual growth. And for me, living a life based on spiritual principles has been the only way I have found true and lasting inner-peace and happiness. OK, I know what you’re thinking… “every action? come on, that’s not realistic…” OK, maybe not the action of reaching for my coffee cup, but certainly every action which stirs inner conflict. Oh, and here’s the real important part!!!! If I don’t know which way to go, I ask someone! I ask someone whom I respect spiritually and will give me their unbiased opinion whether I want to hear it or not.

“The mark of a good action is that it appears inevitable in retrospect.”
-Robert Louis Stevenson

It has been my experience that actions I have taken based on spiritual growth and character building, in retrospect, seem to be the only possible choice.

If you find yourself “going through the motions” and busy busy busy, try taking some time out for yourself. Read a book, take a walk and listen to the sounds you hear around you. Put down the ketchup bottle and do something kind for yourself or someone else.

photo credit: Adam Kuban

Do Something: Finding Spiritual Growth in Daily Actions is a post from: How To Be Happy
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Welcome back to The Spiritual Serenity Series: 7 Steps to Inner Peace and Happiness. Last week we looked at Acceptance. This week, we are going to look at identification.

Step 3: Identification

Now that I have accepted what needs to change, I can identify what areas I need to work on. Remember, just because we accept something, does not mean we have to like it.

I identified that a self-destructive life run on self-will had seriously contaminated my thinking over the years. The void inside my soul existed no matter what I filled it with; be it money, profession, alcohol, relationships, etc., nothing worked. I was emotionally and spiritually bankrupt and as a result, my thinking was extremely misguided.

Nadia over at HappyLotus said it nicely in her post The First Step to Happiness:

“Usually the desire for material items as a means to happiness is a cover for an emotional issue. Granted this is not always the case … So be careful to distinguish why you want certain things and that will be the first step of your journey to finding happiness.”

It wasn’t hard to identify that I was not happy. A constant cloud of doom-and-gloom seemed to follow me everywhere. The feeling, I believe, started at the age of twenty. After becoming a zookeeper—a childhood dream—I discovered I was not satisfied and resigned to the fact that I never would be.

I was suffering from a spiritual malady. I was trying to fill a spiritual hole with material things. I think I knew this for years but resisted any real change. In other words, I refused to accept it. I would attend church here or there, shopping around for something spiritual I could connect with. However, the thought of turning my will and life over to a mystical power was out of the question. That was until I reached a bottom (one of many) on March 12th of 2006. It was then that something snapped. I walked out of that despair with a new resolve. I would abandon every conceived notion of what I perceived life to be about up to that point. I would ask for help and do whatever it took to get better, even if it meant believing in something I could not see. If my life was to continue, it would be on a different path, for the one I was living was not worth the pain anymore. As the saying goes, I was not afraid of dying, but was scared to death of living another day.

Many of these steps I suggest are most valuable when we have someone to help us through them. For me, it was a spiritual adviser as well as counselors and therapist. Finding a person who can help us learn about ourselves, and is trained to do so, can be invaluable.

I identified that my life had become unmanageable. Left on my own, I would destroy myself. What I needed was something more powerful than myself to believe in. I was ill equipped in living up to the self-imposed expectations of myself, the world around me, and my place in it. I identified that if I was to keep on living, I needed serious help.

So now that I’ve identified that something needs to change, and we’re not talking about something simple here like geographical or material. We need to have a complete change in our thinking—a psychic change! For that we’re going to need some help which I’ll talk about next on self-searching.

Have you identified any real big changes that need to take place in your life? Share in the comments!

The next step in The Serenity Series is Self-Searching. I’m really looking forward to this one! Its going to be a little longer post since its where some real amazing things started happening for me. I love this stuff! And I love all of you! Thanks for stopping by again.

Next up, step 4: Self-Searching

UPDATE: It is my intent to have posts here at How To Be Happy will continue to be mostly on a weekly basis I hope. I try to hold myself to at least one good post per week. Since I’ve finished school, I’m done with deadlines for a while and am working on several other projects. However, I am hoping to post some short videos of myself and what I’m working on soon. Just to make things more personal—probably in between these more serious topics.

photo credit: h.koppdelaney

The Spiritual Serenity Series: Step 3, Identification is a post from: How To Be Happy
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Sometimes we fall backwards, or so we think. Everyone makes mistakes right? So why are we sometimes more forgiving of others than we are of ourselves?

“Each day is a day of progress, steady progress forward, if you make it so.”
– Twenty-Four Hours a Day (Hazelden Education Materials) March 31st

Everyone makes mistakes, including myself. By accepting the fact that I make mistakes, and practicing self-forgiveness, I can more easily forgive others.

So the next time we make a mistake, let’s not be so hard on ourselves… OK?

Make Each Day A Day of Progress is a post from: How To Be Happy
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