Today is December 3rd. I actually wrote this post last week… because on December 3rd I’ll either be relaxing on the beach reading or drift diving above the beautiful reefs of Cozumel MX. December 2nd is my wife and I’s one year wedding anniversary. We were married at Lydgate Beach on Kauai in the early morning of Dec. 2nd 2009 by the amazing Rev. Caroline Miura of Sacred Ceremonies. In attendance were myself, my wife Emily, Caroline, God, and several wonderful guests (chickens) who enjoyed cake after the wedding. It’s been an amazing year and I’d like to share something with everyone that was read as part of our wedding ceremony:

Your “homework” is to practice an ancient Sufi tradition: In your life together, speak words to your beloved only if they can pass through 3 gates: First, is it truthful? Second, is it necessary? Third, is it kind? If your words are truthful & necessary & kind, then the love you have maintained up until today will be nourished and continue to grow & your name will continue to remain safe in your beloved’s mouth.

This test of what should come out of our mouths is an amazing exercise in any situation. Let’s use this test on an often debated question:

“Do these pants make my butt look big?”

Now, let’s run this through the 3 gate test.

It it Truthful?

Well, it may be true, his/her butt may look big. OK, so check that one off, if you believe it to be true.

Is it Necessary?

This is where some debate comes in, on whether kind should be second or necessary. (OK, the only debate going on is with myself) I know I’m way over analyzing this but bare with me. I usually put “is it kind?” second. However, kind can be subjective and interpreted many different ways. Regarding the question above, being honest with someone about their butt size may seem like being kind. That you’re being truthful and in a loving way helping motivate them to either loose weight or get some different pants. Putting necessary second really does a good job of eliminating things which may be subjective when it comes to kindness.

Is it Kind?

Speaking out of kindness is a guaranteed way to never say something you’ll regret. Recently someone approached me to ask if I would participate in a “roast” so to speak. They wanted me to get up in front of a group of people and sing a theme song to a popular 70’s show but with the lyrics changed to poke fun at someone else. I know these people have tremendous respect for the person, as do I, but after careful thought I used the 3 gate test and declined the request.

No matter how you run your response through the 3 gate test, it really works. Even if you think something may be kind, is it necessary? Stop and think how you would feel if someone said that to you? Use this test to avoid saying things you’ll regret!

For those who like visual’s, I created a flow chart to illustrate the simplicity of the test:

So the next time you’re not quite sure if you should say something or not, ask yourself three simple questions: Is it Truthful? Is it Necessary? Is it Kind?

photo credit: shibamata

The Guaranteed Way to Never Say Something You’ll Regret! is a post from: How To Be Happy
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The smell of turkey roasting in the oven. How wonderful. My wife and I decided to spend most of Thanksgiving day with just ourselves, here at home. It was fun getting up early, just the two of us and making the stuffing (my moms recipe). It was actually the first time I’ve ever really stuffed it inside the bird. We got a 22 lb turkey… seems awful big for just the two of us. My step-son, his wife and our granddaughter will be over later, so we’re cooking up a feast for them and ourselves. Saturday morning we leave for a week vacation in Cozumel so the kids will be staying here all week to consume the leftovers. It worked out well.

Most years we travel to see family, which can sometimes be stressful. This time of year I hear it a lot, how family stresses people out. My family usually gets together for the normal holidays, there’s only about 15 to 20 of us regulars. I come from a small family, just one sibling, so it’s pretty low key. My wife’s family is larger and she has quite a bit of experience and wisdom when it comes to dealing with family. So we put our heads together and came up with a few ideas of how best to handle family members that seem to get under our skin around the holidays.

Avoid It

Maybe avoiding family members who irritate us seems obvious, and to some, selfish; but lets think about it. Remember that you are not responsible for someone else’s feelings. With that said, you should never do something that deliberately hurts someone either. We all have a right to say no.

We often travel to see family over the holidays even when we don’t want to. I know, I know, family is all we really have right? The least we can do is suffer through the resentment and guilt only family members know how to surgically inflict. We hurt the ones we love right?

At what point do we stop trying to improve relationships, family or not, that do not seem to add value or grow in any positive direction? That question really becomes hard when dealing with family. But isn’t family about unconditional love and being there no matter what? I guess I just struggle sometimes with the whole “we should go visit family” mentality when it only causes resentment and anger. Life is too short for things like that. With that said, I am the first one there when a family member really needs me… but then how will I know if they really need me if I don’t work at a relationship with them? Hmmm, seems like a paradox. What do you think?

To some family members, drama is like oxygen. You know the ones who just can’t help themselves? The uncle who constantly brings up the time he bailed you out of jail or that everyone is sure the cousin who moved to California has joined a cult. When the zingers start flying, you have a choice to participate or not. The best way to deal with these situations is come up with a plan!

Have A Plan

Decide before hand how you’re going to handle the uncomfortable situations that always seem to get to you. Talk about your strategy with your spouse or immediate family members. Being prepared is the best way to handle stressful situations with grace and dignity. One of the best ways of diffusing uncomfortable situations is with kindness. If your uncle brings up the time he bailed you out of jail, tell him thanks, and that you really appreciated him being there for you. (and avoid the sarcasm) No, my uncle never bailed me out of jail… not that I wasn’t ever in jail, but it was my dad who had to come get me and now that I think about it, I need to thank him for that.

Remember, your family members know how to push your buttons better than anyone. Be prepared and have a plan.

Be understanding rather than understood

I guess it all really changes when you have children. Which I don’t, but I do have a granddaughter and step-son/daughter, whom I’m beginning to love. It makes me feel good when they want to hang out with us and stop by to visit or stay for dinner. So maybe dealing with family members over the holiday’s has a lot to do with “be understanding rather than understood.” Try and understand where your mother-in-law or parents are coming from when they insist you come to visit. Even if you don’t want to. At the same time, we also need to watch for resentments which only bitter the relationship.

Sometimes we just have to remind ourselves that we’re grown ups and can do what we want. This can be hard when our parents can still push those guilt buttons. A good test is to think about what memories you have or will have of times spent with loved ones. I have many good memories of times spent with my cousins and parents over the holidays, but none with just me and my wife. Until today.

In the end, memories are all we have anyway, so spend time making good ones.

Avoiding Family Drama Over the Holidays is a post from: How To Be Happy
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Time is precious. I don’t know about you, but I have squandered a lot of it away in the past due to unjustified anger and resentment.

Resentment: a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury.

When I’m in resentment, I’m not in the moment. Anytime I’m not in this moment, I’m missing out on… well, life.

It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while.
-From Chapter 5, Pg. 66 of Alcoholics Anonymous

Think about how resentments occupy your time. They’re like a cancer eating away at moments which could be filled with joy. The next time you’re awake at 2:00 a.m. because you felt you’ve been wronged by someone, try driving by their house and see if their lights are on. Now, who is it really hurting? Resentment truly is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

OK, so we know resentment is bad, how do we stop it?

Practice.

In How to Remember Today Years From Now, I shared an experience of how I was able to turn the beginning of a resentment into something amazingly spiritual and positive. By using practical prayer(practice), I am able to train my mind to be more altruistic then it naturally wants to be. Altruism is at the center of resentment reduction. It is natural to have our first thoughts be selfish and ask “what’s in it for me?” But here’s the real kicker, I finally figured out that a life based on self-centeredness is extremely unfulfilling. Healthy, loving relationships are what bring the most joy and fulfillment to our lives.

Regardless of the cause or reason, justified or not, resentment and anger rob us of our valuable time. I’m sure some people will say, “but sometimes anger is good, like if it motivates us to take action!” I disagree.

99% of the time, anger is based in fear, and decisions based in fear seldom promote spiritual or emotional growth. Now I’m not talking about the decision to move off the train tracks for fear of an oncoming train, that’s obvious. But think about fear for a minute… OK, minutes up. Fear is almost always caused by the feeling that we’re about to lose something we think we need/or have, or not getting something we think we want. If we have everything we need or want, we have nothing to fear right? Everything we need is inside us and can be obtained through spiritual growth.

In order to determine why we resent something, one of the first places to look is our motives. If we’re living a life based on self-propulsion and self-centeredness, anything that does not benefit us directly is bound to cause resentment.

Let’s say someone asks us to help them move this coming Saturday morning. Our immediate thought, (or at least mine) is something like, “great, I was planning on sleeping in and catching up on a good book, now I’ve got to help this guy out, what a drag… hmmm, although, maybe I should since I may need help someday.” Odds are, if our thinking stays along these lines and we do end up helping this guy move, we’re going to resent him for it later.

Now, here’s the key. If I’m doing something with the expectation of getting something in return, and can “check” that feeling and determine that if I don’t get that something in return I’m going to resent it, I shouldn’t do it. I’m simply doing it for the wrong reason.

I know what you’re thinking, if you’re like me and using this as a guide, I would never be doing anything for anyone! Well, we have to start somewhere. The first step is noticing this seed of resentment as it creeps into our conscience. Once we learn how to recognize it, we can begin working on it. It may be as simple as telling ourselves we’re doing something to be helpful, and we do not expect anything in return.

In my experience, the most effective way of working towards a more altruistic nature, is prayer and action. Asking God for a more giving heart and taking action when given the opportunity to help someone out. Conversely, a good way to avoid resentments is not committing to things you do not want to do. Yes, it’s that easy. You have the right to say no!

So the next time someone asks you for help and you feel that resistance creep up in your conscience, that’s a resentment seed sprouting. Don’t water it!

Resentment, the Spiritual Time Killer and How to Avoid it is a post from: How To Be Happy
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It was a beautiful summer day in 2007. My girlfriend (now my wife) and I were visiting her son and his wife. They own a small house in a rural town about twenty minutes away. It was to be a short visit, just to drop off a paint sprayer we bought for them. They were in the process of painting their house and this was sort of our way of getting out of helping—by purchasing them a nice paint sprayer (at least that’s the way my selfish brain saw it). I had visions of spending the rest of the afternoon lounging by our pool doing nothing. It was going to be great.

We arrived with the paint sprayer to discover they really didn’t want it, or need it really. Well, OK, I thought, “we tried.” Then my girlfriend, out of nowhere, offered our labor and painting services for the rest of the afternoon! I felt the resentment rise up inside me as I saw my lazy afternoon quickly dissolve into hours of sweat and climbing up and down ladders. I recognized what was happening so I left the room and went outside. I found a quiet place and prayed. I asked for acceptance and the willingness to do the next right thing. Then, it came to me.

Years from now, will I remember the day I sat by the pool and did nothing, or the day I helped my girlfriends son and his wife paint their house? The answer was clear and it felt great! We spent the rest of the afternoon painting their house.

Years from now, we’re more likely to remember a day spent helping someone else.

photo credit: Hiddenloop

How to Remember Today Years From Now is a post from: How To Be Happy
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