In this episode of the How to Be Happy Podcast, Emily and I discuss death. But before you make a decision on how morbid this sounds, have a listen.

Some topics you’ll hear in this episode:

Dealing with Death

• What to say to others then they’ve experienced a loss.
• We share about our personal experiences with death of loved ones.
• The reality of facing our own mortality.
• Although tragic, death can also be beautiful
• Does everything happen for a reason?
• Is there anything on your bucket list?

Being of service

• Thinking about what you can bring to a situation/relationship as opposed to what’s in it for me?

Groundhog Day? (yes we talk about the weather)

Reminding ourselves to stay in the moment, even when looking forward to something in the future.

We get back to the topic of death and about allowing people to reach out to you when you’re going through something difficult.

Please subscribe below to the podcast to get automatic updates:

Click Here to Subscribe via iTunes!
Click Here to Subscribe via RSS (non-iTunes feed)

You can call our How to Be Happy phone line and leave a question or topic you’d like us to talk about! 775-234-8373

HTBH Podcast 004 – Coping with Death is a post from: How To Be Happy
Don't forget to sign up for my newsletter to receive my free eBook "How To Be Happy Now!" CLICK HERE to sign up!

Welcome to the How to Be Happy Podcast Episode #2. In this session Emily and I talk about our dating history and how we first met and some tips and experiences on dating.

Some topics you’ll hear in this episode:

Questions to Ask on a Date:

• Family (theirs and yours) How they interact with friends
• Religion
• Values

Do you show up with a gift?

How honest do you get? TMI?

Where to find dates?

Witnessing how others act around friends and family can tell you a lot about the kind of person they are.

Looking for things about them that should/could change?

Expectations

Chase or be chased?

Online dating tips

Living together – Should you?

How long should you date before getting married?

Some items reference or mentioned in this episode:

• Plenty of Fish
• Las Vegas
• St. Croix
• SCUBA diving

Please subscribe below to the podcast to get automatic updates:

Click Here to Subscribe via iTunes!
Click Here to Subscribe via RSS (non-iTunes feed)

HTBH Podcast 002 – How to Be Happy Dating is a post from: How To Be Happy
Don't forget to sign up for my newsletter to receive my free eBook "How To Be Happy Now!" CLICK HERE to sign up!

It’s here! The first session of the How to Be Happy Podcast with Jared and Emily Akers.

You may download the podcast to your computer or listen to it here on JaredAkers.com. Additionally, I will be submitting the podcast feed to iTunes soon, so you’ll be able to subscribe through there as well – hopefully that will be ready by the time our next episode is live. I’m also working on getting the episodes transcribed so there will a downloadable .PDF version of the show (I’ll add that to this page in a couple days after the transcription is finished… I’m still working out the entire workflow process).

We plan on doing a weekly session at this point, but we’re not setting any expectations…. So don’t hold us to that. We look forward to exploring many topics from life, love, relationships, self-respect, travel, and keys to living a happy life; all from personal experience.

Here’s What’s in The Show

Since this is our first podcast, we spend a little bit of time at the beginning introducing ourselves and give a little back-story.

Here’s what you’ll find in this session:

Welcome:

• Maiden episode of How to Be Happy Podcast
• Introduced myself, Jared Akers and my wife Emily
• Episode Topic: How to be happy in a relationship when there’s been infidelity

Back-story:

• Why we started doing this, a little about our past (my bottom March 2006)
• Why we’re qualified (unhealthy relationships)
• Inviting God into our lives
• Working on Self-Discover, inner-peace, happiness and self-acceptance – ALONE!
• Met February 25, 2007
• Married December 2, 2008
• Friends and Family members always asking us: why or how are you so happy? Get along? etc.

Topic:

I get emails from people all over the world asking questions about happiness, and this topic is one that has come up often. In this show my wife gives some first-hand experience with the topic as we discuss things like:

• Is it possible
• Honesty
• Forgiveness
• From the perspective of the offender
• From the perspective of the victim
• Trust
• How it affects the children

We hope you enjoy the show and we’re looking forward to sharing more with all of you in the future.

If you have any topic suggestions, feel free to email them to jared (at) jaredakers (dot) com.

Please subscribe below to the podcast to get automatic updates:

Click Here to Subscribe via iTunes!
Click Here to Subscribe via RSS (non-iTunes feed)

Transcript

Click here to download the transcript for this episode (PDF).

HTBH Podcast 001 – How to Be Happy in a Relationship When There’s Been Infidelity is a post from: How To Be Happy
Don't forget to sign up for my newsletter to receive my free eBook "How To Be Happy Now!" CLICK HERE to sign up!

What does peace, love, and happiness mean to you? I think of the sixties—or was that sex, drugs, and rock and roll?—and the idea that love can end war and violence. Is love really all we need? If it’s that simple, we need to start with love for ourselves; until we accomplish that, nothing will change. By developing self-acceptance, understanding, empathy, and love for self, we’re better able to practice those very attributes in our relationships with others.

First a Little about Relationships

Does everyone really have a soul mate? It seems that everyone is searching for that one special person that will make their life complete. Then we’ll truly find happiness right? Hollywood has made it hard for people to live up to the expectations of the fairytale relationship. I’m not a pessimist, just a realist.

Don’t get me wrong, I have a wonderful life and a beautiful wife whom I have an amazing relationship with. And by all accounts, I have never been happier. But it had more to do with me than her or “us.”

It seems so obvious now, my inability to find the perfect relationship; it doesn’t exist. Years ago—during a time of intense spiritual and emotional self development—I was asked to write down my “ideal” relationship and describe my perfect partner. I don’t remember exactly what I wrote, but I do remember something important about the exercise. Once completed, my life coach had me go through and circle every time I had used the word “I.”  It was a lot. The exercise revealed my perception of a healthy relationship was… well, off. More precisely, it was clearly all about me and what I was demanding from a partner. Moreover, I was demanding and believed that someone could actually make me happy. It was all about what I needed, not what I could offer. To figure out what I had to offer, I had to find out who I really was; which was impossible until I found some peace within myself. It would also become clear later that as a result of not feeling worthy of love, my ideal partner was non-existent sub-consciously on purpose.

Another realization was that my long-term relationships (over 6 months… which was long to me) were pretty dysfunctional. The healthy ones didn’t last long; usually ending in me giving the “It’s not you, it’s me” line. I felt uncomfortable in healthy, communicative, and emotionally involved relationships because I had no idea how to be in one. As I was confused in what I wanted and unable to connect with myself emotionally, so too were the relationships I was attracted to.

“Men do not attract that which they want, but that which they are.”
-James Allen from As A Man Thinketh
(Amazing short book! You can download a free .pdf here or get it on Amazon)

If we’re unable to have a healthy relationship with ourselves, wouldn’t it only make sense we’d be incapable of having them with someone else?

Peace

So began the long process of learning how to have a healthy relationship with myself. It seems pretty logical that since I spend all day with me, I should learn how to get along with me better. One huge obstacle—and often the reason many of us fail to act—is the fear that we won’t like what we find about our true selves. The process of developing self-love and respect was/is… well, difficult at times. Wait, let me put it a different way; it’s uncomfortable. I get those confused sometimes. Let’s face it; it’s hard to take a real good look at yourself, especially when you’ve been running from it for so long.

One particular obstacle I faced in self-discover was the “what ifs.”  What if I do become self-aware, more in-tune with my highest ideal and authentic self, and I’m still not happy? What then? It’s like not chasing a dream for fear of failing; we’re more comfortable with the idea of a dream than having to face the fear or realization that we’re not good enough. That is precisely why it is SO important to learn to accept and love our true self. With acceptance and love comes empathy and understanding; an understanding of what does and does not make us happy. We’re more likely to succeed at something if we now exactly what it is we’re after! Think about it… about how efficient we are shopping when we know exactly what we’re looking for. It’s a great feeling to be an informed shopper!

Unless we learn to accept and love ourselves, we’ll never be able to truly accept it from others. How can we? It just doesn’t work that way, at least not for me; or at least not in a complete fulfilling and healthy way. Self-acceptance means we stop fighting with ourselves; we quiet the committee in our head and learn to get along with self. Thus we begin to experience inner-peace.

Love

What is love to you? What a question that is huh? I’d love to hear what others believe love to be! There are many great definitions, but one I found and particularly like defines love as; unconditional acceptance, devoutness, and trust, between two consenting individuals. How can we ever know if we’ve accepted someone if we have no idea what that means or feels like? I like the term acceptance because it’s easier to associate self-acceptance with that for others than self-love.

The term “self-love” can sometimes be a little confusing, at least for me. When talking about self, distinguishing between love, self-esteem, and ego can get a little tangled. I’m better able to measure self-acceptance. It’s common for people to know what love feels like but have difficulty expressing it with words. But acceptance is a little easier, at least to describe or associate with. Self-acceptance is important in regards to love because we first recognize it in ourselves. You can’t give away something you don’t have.

In regards to love and happiness, I’m not sure happiness is possible without love; at least not long-lasting happiness. Without acceptance and love, happiness is only temporary. We may feel happy most of the time, but deep down we feel as if there’s something missing. Regardless of what we experience physically or emotionally, without self-acceptance and love, long-term inner-peace is unavailable and thus lasting love. Hmmm, although empathy may be possible… but that’s confusing me…

Self-acceptance is powerful as it enables us to feel worthy of love. The more love worthy we become, the easier it is to accept love from others.

Happiness

The journey to and process of reaching happiness is different for everyone, but I guarantee you—as sure as the sky is blue—if you have peace and love in your life, you won’t have to find happiness; it’ll find you! If your goal is peace, love, and ultimately happiness, my suggestion is to start with peace. Learn to establish inner-peace with yourself, which in turn will help with acceptance and love. By practicing acceptance and love (forgiveness) in all aspects of your life, happiness is inevitable. After all, life is not a search for happiness; happiness is a by-product of right living. Finding inner-peace and becoming love worthy enables us to accept love and experience happiness.

Peace Love and Happiness: Finding Inner Peace and Accepting Love = Happiness is a post from: How To Be Happy
Don't forget to sign up for my newsletter to receive my free eBook "How To Be Happy Now!" CLICK HERE to sign up!

You’ve probably heard the saying, “We’re spiritual beings having a human experience.” I have no idea who originally said that… but I believe it to be true. Do you?

The first question you should ask yourself before getting too far into this subject is: do you believe you are a spiritual being?

No? (stick around and see what you find)
Yes? (keep reading)

Call it intuition, a heightened sense of awareness, enlightenment, etc., the idea that we’re spiritual beings is nothing new yet people still seem confused on what this actually means. For me, it simply means I’m part of something bigger, i.e. I’m not the center of the universe.

Whether we believe this something bigger to be God or some creator, who knows and honestly… who cares. We can live a spiritual life, and find spiritual love, without defining what or why we should believe in something. More importantly, we can allow others to do the same. Now that we have that out of the way…

Spiritual love is something that comes from both the heart and the mind; it is unconditional love. As intellectual beings, we often confuse our thoughts with what’s in our hearts. The farthest distance in the world is often the twelve inches between our head and our heart. Knowing we should be loving and caring and acting that way are two completely different things. We’re judged by our actions not our intentions.

So how do we get it out of our head (this idea of love and caring) and into our hearts?

We must first learn love, empathy, and understanding for ourselves. Then and only then can we truly recognize and EXPRESS these feelings towards others. Try explaining to someone what broccoli tastes like if you have never tasted it yourself or how a baby’s skin feels against your cheek if you’ve never experienced it.

In order to fully accept and love others unconditionally we need to start with ourselves. Once we develop spiritual love for self, it will come naturally for others. The deeper our acceptance and love for self goes, the less we need externally to feel loved and validated. As we need less externally to prop up our ego and self-esteem, our need to judge others declines and the ability to love unconditionally increases.

A few months ago I heard something simple yet life changing: Want peace? Suspend judgment of yourself and others. I thought that was amazing and very powerful.

Learning to suspend judgment of ourselves is not easy and takes hard work. I found it difficult to stop judging myself after years of living a life I wasn’t proud of—and the realization I wasn’t as fond of myself as I previously thought (head vs. heart).  My ego (head) said I was a big shot while my heart told me I was a failure unworthy of love. My discovery process was through working on myself spiritually and emotionally; things I talked about in the Spiritual Serenity Series. It was and is hard work at times, but damn is it worth it!

22 Ways Spiritual Love Will Change Your Life

1. You will develop more meaningful relationships based out of true respect and love; not what can you do for me?
2. Resentments will fade—eventually disappear entirely—due to diminished expectations of others and yourself
3. You will discover you need less to be happy (materially and emotionally)
4. The world will seem a lot more peaceful, no matter what is going on around you
5. As you develop a more altruistic view, you’ll find happiness and peace is the reward
6. Others will naturally be drawn to you
7. You will attract abundance in areas you didn’t even know you were lacking
8. You will sleep better
9. People in your life will know how much they mean to you
10. You will notice things in people and nature which you never realized were there before
11. Gratitude will start to fill your heart more than fear and loneliness
12. You will realize that anyone, at any given moment, is doing the best they can
13. You will feel genuine happiness for others good fortune as opposed to envy
14. Your past will become your biggest asset
15. You will begin to realize little in life is really hard, just uncomfortable at times
16. Each moment will be filled of unimaginable potential
17. Love will become your favorite word and action
18. Exercise and living healthy will become more important as love for self grows
19. You will find what it is you were always looking for
20. Food will taste better
21. You will never be alone again
22. You will consistently feel on the verge of greatness as opposed to calamity

Wow, what a list eh?  What do you think? Do you love yourself today?

photo credit: millzero

The Power of Spiritual Love and 22 Ways It Will Change Your Life is a post from: How To Be Happy
Don't forget to sign up for my newsletter to receive my free eBook "How To Be Happy Now!" CLICK HERE to sign up!

Life can be a lot like potholes; you start to learn where they are and how to avoid them. But what happens when you keep hitting the same ones? Maybe you should start thinking about a new route. Pretty simple huh? So why don’t we apply the same thinking to behaviors that continually cause us emotional pain?

“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”
-Albert Einstein

Most people avoid pain if possible; much like potholes once they know where they are. Albert from Urban Monk post titled False Patterns, False Meanings reminded me how strongly I had clung to “my story” for so many years. Most of us have a story (or two) that defines us, influences our decisions and has a lot to do with our perception of the world around us. The amazing and almost scary thing about my story, was I didn’t even realize I was living it. I can see my old story clearly now that I’m living a different one.

My Old Story

I’m not good enough. Period. OK, there was more to it than that, but basically just all the “stuff” that goes along with not being good enough, such as the inability to give and receive Love completely and “add fear du jour here.” As I mentioned above, I didn’t realize I was living this story, its just the way things were. Mostly I played out the story to avoid emotional pain. If it was uncomfortable (e.g. intimate relationships) I went the other way and would eventually hit the same pothole again; different person, same results. Insanity.

I remember one girl I dated who started discussing marriage and buying a house after several months of dating. I really liked her, not sure if I loved her, but that talk made me feel really uncomfortable. Not because I thought the relationship was moving fast, but because I didn’t feel worthy of having a house. My credit was bad, I was not husband material, all these stories about who I was influenced my decisions and actions. A few months later I gave her the “it’s not you, it’s me” line. Most my relationships ended that way, although many also ended with them saying, “it’s not me, it’s you.” Which just meant they beat me to it. Moreover, I did not realize this was what I was doing; I thought I was busy following my dreams.

My New Story

I am good enough. Period. And yes, there is SO much more to it than that which is what this entire blog is about.

The difference today is I don’t avoid emotional pain, even though I rarely experience any. At least not yet, but I know I will; its inevitable. Today, if I experience emotional pain, I can feel it for what it is and move on. It doesn’t have to define me or become part of my story. The more often I do this, the more I get comfortable with overcoming fear of emotional pain.

Like the potholes on my route home from work, I hit them a few times the first couple of days as they grow deeper, but I know where they are now and with careful adjustment I can miss them entirely. Someday soon they’ll be filled and new ones will develop somewhere else and I’ll have to learn all over again. But at least I’ll keep driving, and I’m grateful for that.

photo credit: iamos

Potholes and Emotional Pain is a post from: How To Be Happy
Don't forget to sign up for my newsletter to receive my free eBook "How To Be Happy Now!" CLICK HERE to sign up!

Want to sign your relationship’s death certificate? Then keep trying to “get back to the way things were.”

I hear people say “I wish we could just get back to the way we were” all the time, I’ve been guilty of it myself—a long time ago. It’s dangerous and it’s sentencing your relationship to failure; or at best a boring and emotionally and physically unsatisfying relationship.

Maybe in your relationship you’re trying to decide if you should stay or go, or save your marriage? If you’re wanting to stay and truly build a strong and lasting relationship, you need to start asking the right questions.

But if you’re hell bent on sabotaging it… just read in.

The top 6 reasons why this thinking will lead to the end of your relationship

6. It’s Impossible

So quit trying. The way things were are the way things were, not the way things are. Concentrate on what you can do today to improve your relationship; not what your partner did or didn’t do in the past or may or may not do in the future. The only thing you can control is right now; so go do something nice for your loved one this moment to increase the chance of a better tomorrow.

5. Expectations

“Today’s expectations are tomorrow resentments” or “expectations are resentments in training.” Having unreasonable expectations set upon ourselves and others is the quickest way to resentments. Expecting someone to be the same person they were years or even a few months ago is unreasonable. As far as I’m concerned, resentment should be considered stealing as it robs us of the precious time we have on earth which could be spent loving.

I could write an entire book on why expectations are so damaging. For one, watch any Hollywood love story. I’m laughing as I’m writing this because I’m thinking back of old relationships… when my girlfriend and I would be watching a romantic movie and thinking to ourselves “I wish she/he would touch me or talk to me like that.” Or “ah, he carved a heart into that rock with his teeth then built her a mansion out of Twinkies, how romantic… why don’t you ever do that for me?” Nuff said.

One mistake I made in previous relationships was having expectations yet never sharing them with my partner. That’s just not fair. How can someone ever live up to expectations they aren’t even aware of?

4. Lack of Growth

As the saying goes in business, “if you’re not growing you’re dying.” If you experience something the same way it was “back then,” then you’re not growing and actually loosing ground (or you’re Han Solo and just became unfrozen). As human beings we are constantly growing emotionally, physically, and spiritually. To truly experience a fulfilling life, we must find someone we can continually grow with. If you’re both stuck in the past you’re stunting your chance to grow.

3. Perspective

When you start dating, generally you just want someone to share your time with because you’re lonely. When a relationship is new, you feel all fuzzy inside all the time and just hanging out doing nothing with that person makes you happy. As your relationship changes, so does your perspective on what he/she is in the relationship for. Maybe you start thinking they’re here to make you happy or provide you with everything you need.

Maybe the way things were weren’t really the way things were. We’ve all experienced how emotionally stimulating and charged we are in the beginning of relationships; how the other person can seemingly do no wrong. Was he/she not putting their socks in the hamper from day one and you just didn’t notice or didn’t care because you were blinded by love?

2. Lack of Gratitude

If you’re wanting things to be different, then you’re certainly not grateful for the way things are. If you can’t find something to be grateful for in your relationship and where it is today, get out. Or at least discuss it with them and let them in on it. Then you can both work towards finding gratitude for yourselves and each other.

1. And the #1 reason to avoid getting back to the way things were:

It limits you to something you’ve already experienced and lessons the chance you’ll discover something truly unique and amazing!

Why on earth would anyone limit themselves to something they’ve already experienced? OK, I can think of one reason, security. If you’re not feeling secure in your relationship, start looking at yourself first. Are you secure with yourself? If not, no one else is going to be able to give that to you. And you certainly will not find it by constantly requesting your partner become who they were “back when.” No one should be asked to live up, or down, to that.

My wife and I realize our relationship is different now then the first few weeks, months, or years after we met. We actually still have our old emails and read through them every now and then. We laugh at how cheesy we were then and how that first week we only slept about 10 hours because we were up every night talking. I first met my wife at a Starbucks three years ago today; Feb. 25th 2007 at 2:05 pm CST. I appreciate those first few minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years for what they were; special, because I’ll never get to live them again. But I’m also grateful for the time we share now and how our relationship has changed into something different then it was then; not worse or better, just different. OK, truth is, better, better, better; but in a different better way… if that makes sense. I look forward to what it will be tomorrow and the day after that and the year after that. I’m not sure where life will take us together but one thing I do know, it will never be the way it used to be; thank God.

So quit trying to get back to the way things were; was it really that great?

What are some ways you cultivate newness in your relationships?

Do you disagree with the idea that “getting back to the way things were” is dooming a relationship to failure?

photo credit: alicepopkorn

The Sure Fire Way to Sabotage Any Relationship (plus the top 6 reasons to avoid it) is a post from: How To Be Happy
Don't forget to sign up for my newsletter to receive my free eBook "How To Be Happy Now!" CLICK HERE to sign up!

Have you told the people in your life how much they mean to you recently? We all know this is important, but do we really take the time to connect with them on an emotional level and tell them how much they mean to us? Some family members may be uncomfortable with heartfelt discussions, but when they’re gone, baby they’re gone.

Shortly after I was born, my father built us a home with his own hands just outside the city where he worked construction. However, deep inside he’d always dreamed of owning and running a farm. I think he liked the idea of working for himself and the freedom it brings. Of his generation, the greatest compliment was “he’s a hard worker,” and that was/is my dad; a hard worker. I think he realized if he worked as hard for himself as he did for “the man,” he was sure to succeed.

Shortly after my fifth birthday, we packed up everything and moved to a farm house ten miles outside a small town in East Central Kansas; the four of us and 80 acres. What I remember most about the house; bitter cold. Winter would often find my older sister and me sleeping in the dining room around the wood burning stove. My mother would heat bricks on the stove, wrap them in towels, and put them in the bottom of our sleeping bags. She was so thrifty; still is.

I have memories of my fathers rear-end in the air with his head submerged under the floor thawing pipes with a blow torch. To this day the smell of a blow torch on copper takes me back to those times… more of the cold house than of my father’s ass. Vice-Grips made nice handles for the bathtub faucet. And when the pipes were frozen, steaming water was brought from the stove-top for our bath. My father fixed the house as much as he could, but time was limited as he continued working a full-time construction job 60 miles away (at minimum) and farmed nights and weekends. Our farm had cattle, chickens, a few pigs, and always a sea of swaying wheat or soybeans just outside our kitchen window.

I realize now what it must have felt like for my father; looking out the kitchen window every day to see his dream right there in front of him. Honestly, I doubt he took the time to enjoy it. I hope he did. We might not have had everything we wanted, but we always had everything we needed. I can’t really remember wanting much. I think there was a correlation between the big dreams of my father and my imagination of all things possible growing up on a farm. One day I was John Wayne riding my sorrel gelding Dollar (Shetland pony) across the range; the next day I was Larry Bird making the winning shot against Magic Johnson (my sister) in Boston Gardens (hay loft). There is never a shortage of things to do growing up on a farm.

Our Farm Auction 1984

Farming was difficult during those times, it was the era of small farmers losing everything; you either had to go big or go home. After years of blood and sweat, the day came when my father decided it was best to sell the farm and move into town when I was 14. It was odd watching all our stuff going to the lowest highest bidder. I heard my father say once that selling our new house and moving to that farm was the biggest mistake he ever made. I disagree; and I had a chance to tell him that a few years ago. I’m glad I did, and I think I’ll remind him next time I see him.

It’s a testament to my parents’ love towards my sister and I that made us feel safe and warm; always. Oddly, not until a few years ago when my sister and I were talking about our childhood, did we realize how cold and run down that old farm house was. We laugh now about the cold winters and vice-grip handles. Home really is where the heart is.

When I was around 12 years old I wanted to get a job, my father’s advice; “son, you’re going to be working for the rest of your life, enjoy not having to work as long as you can.” He was right; he recently retired.

Dad if you’re reading this, I hope you take the time to look around and realize anything is possible; that you followed a dream and worked hard and provided well. Today is a gift dad and I love you. Now take a break, you deserve it.

Dad and me running on the beach, Florida 1980

We may not always have the opportunity to tell the ones we love how much they mean to us; it’s important to let them know as often as you can. I’ve had the privilege over the years of learning my fathers love language, and for that I am grateful.

As you share your feelings with those you love, try and be specific. I think this is important. It’s not the definition of a word that gives it meaning, but the heart. Be sincere, specific, and make it count! You never know, it could be the last time you see them.

I’ll close with a song I wrote a few years ago. And as always, comments (below) are welcome!

The Present
Music and Lyrics By: Jared Akers 11/2007

I heard a song the other day
And thoughts of you drift my way
Of times we shared and things you said
And all the things that we never did

We could always pass the time
Talking about the way things used to be
Sometimes we just sat and cried
And let the tragic past float by on the breeze

[CHORUS]
Life Happens when you’re waiting for a change
Sittin’ in the past, searching for blame
Life happens when you don’t know what to say
Did you catch that game, so do you think it’ll rain?
So be careful how you spend it
Today is a Gift, thank God for the present

We talked about mistakes we made
Ones betrayed and dreams that fade
You told me of the one’s you missed
And how we got to a place like this

We could always pass the time
Talking about the way things used to be
Sometimes we just sat and cried
And let the tragic past float by on the breeze

[CHORUS]

I’m not sure how hard I tried
To be with you in the end
So I wrote this song to say goodbye
I won’t make that mistake again

[CHORUS]

Today Could Be Your Last Chance; Make it Count! is a post from: How To Be Happy
Don't forget to sign up for my newsletter to receive my free eBook "How To Be Happy Now!" CLICK HERE to sign up!

Today is December 3rd. I actually wrote this post last week… because on December 3rd I’ll either be relaxing on the beach reading or drift diving above the beautiful reefs of Cozumel MX. December 2nd is my wife and I’s one year wedding anniversary. We were married at Lydgate Beach on Kauai in the early morning of Dec. 2nd 2009 by the amazing Rev. Caroline Miura of Sacred Ceremonies. In attendance were myself, my wife Emily, Caroline, God, and several wonderful guests (chickens) who enjoyed cake after the wedding. It’s been an amazing year and I’d like to share something with everyone that was read as part of our wedding ceremony:

Your “homework” is to practice an ancient Sufi tradition: In your life together, speak words to your beloved only if they can pass through 3 gates: First, is it truthful? Second, is it necessary? Third, is it kind? If your words are truthful & necessary & kind, then the love you have maintained up until today will be nourished and continue to grow & your name will continue to remain safe in your beloved’s mouth.

This test of what should come out of our mouths is an amazing exercise in any situation. Let’s use this test on an often debated question:

“Do these pants make my butt look big?”

Now, let’s run this through the 3 gate test.

It it Truthful?

Well, it may be true, his/her butt may look big. OK, so check that one off, if you believe it to be true.

Is it Necessary?

This is where some debate comes in, on whether kind should be second or necessary. (OK, the only debate going on is with myself) I know I’m way over analyzing this but bare with me. I usually put “is it kind?” second. However, kind can be subjective and interpreted many different ways. Regarding the question above, being honest with someone about their butt size may seem like being kind. That you’re being truthful and in a loving way helping motivate them to either loose weight or get some different pants. Putting necessary second really does a good job of eliminating things which may be subjective when it comes to kindness.

Is it Kind?

Speaking out of kindness is a guaranteed way to never say something you’ll regret. Recently someone approached me to ask if I would participate in a “roast” so to speak. They wanted me to get up in front of a group of people and sing a theme song to a popular 70’s show but with the lyrics changed to poke fun at someone else. I know these people have tremendous respect for the person, as do I, but after careful thought I used the 3 gate test and declined the request.

No matter how you run your response through the 3 gate test, it really works. Even if you think something may be kind, is it necessary? Stop and think how you would feel if someone said that to you? Use this test to avoid saying things you’ll regret!

For those who like visual’s, I created a flow chart to illustrate the simplicity of the test:

So the next time you’re not quite sure if you should say something or not, ask yourself three simple questions: Is it Truthful? Is it Necessary? Is it Kind?

photo credit: shibamata

The Guaranteed Way to Never Say Something You’ll Regret! is a post from: How To Be Happy
Don't forget to sign up for my newsletter to receive my free eBook "How To Be Happy Now!" CLICK HERE to sign up!

For the last several years I have been speaking once a month at a drug and rehab center; the same one which I had been a patient myself for alcohol. On the third Sunday of every month I would make the 1 1/2 hour drive to the center and speak for an hour. I would talk about my life, play some songs I’d written, and share my experience, strength, and hope.

I would share what it was like, what happened, and what it is like now. Last month was my last time speaking. At least for now. I decided to quit and give someone else a chance to fill my slot. I struggled with the decision for a while, but prayed about it often. It has been a really important part of my recovery.

Last Sunday would have been my weekend, and I didn’t even realize it until Monday morning. Probably because I spent Sunday afternoon with my wife, step-son and daughter, and our beautiful granddaughter. It is so amazing what the smile of a child can do.

I remember sitting there when I was a patient, listening to speakers like myself, and hearing them talk about how bad it had been, what happened, and how amazing their life had become. I would take notes. Could that possibly happen for me?

I really couldn’t relate, my life was such a mess and I was just struggling to find a reason to live. I used the power of now often, just looking around at where I was, concentrating on the fact that in that moment, I was alive and OK. Never mind the piles of bills I had accumulated, the wreckage I had caused in other peoples lives, plus no job and no place to live when I got out of treatment.

I learned to just concentrate on what I could do that day. “So then, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Today has enough trouble of its own” (Mathew 6:34). I was really forced into each moment, simply to survive. My counselor, bless her heart, helped me so much. She offered a simple suggestion of making a list.

A list of all the things I was worried about. So I wrote down things like; call Ford to see about getting out of my lease, find a place to live, ask for help with income tax, etc. Each day I would look at the list and ask: Is there something on here I can take action on today? If YES, I would take the action; if NO, I would put it out of my mind and go on with my day.

A Rainy Day in 2004
My fiancé’ and I are sitting at an intersection in the pouring rain waiting for the light to change. Across the intersection I see our destination, a loan office where a check is waiting to pay for our engagement ring. I start a fight. Something inside me is saying this isn’t the right thing to be doing—the engagement, not the fighting.

It’s not what I want, or maybe it just doesn’t feel right. Shouldn’t it feel right? I keep telling myself it should, I should want to get married to someone I love. So I pick a fight. If I make her angry enough, she’ll leave me since I don’t have the balls to do it myself. Then it will be her fault, and not mine.

I should want this right? After all, this is what people in love do. They get married and start a family. I do love her, at least as much as I’ve loved anyone. We’re arguing about something as the light changes and we move across the intersection, sloshing through the running water and pull into the parking lot. The sky is angry and I’m sure she’s crying now. She get’s out and I follow, stopping her under the buildings overhang just out of reach of the pouring rain.

Tears and rain dripping down her face, I grab her and tell her this is what I want. She should go in and get the check, we’ll be fine and I want to get married. We got married in January of ‘05, annulled in July ‘05, a year later I hit my bottom.

When I got out of treatment I moved into a recovery house. The closest AA meeting was only a few miles away and I quickly realized I would have to drive through the “rainy intersection” every day on the way to meetings. It was a constant reminder of a painful past.

But I did what was suggested to get better. I went to meetings, I got a sponsor and starting working the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. I worked hard at developing some type of spiritual life. I prayed for others.

I prayed for my ex and that she would have all the wonderful things in life that I wanted in mine; love, peace, and family. I started learning how to have a healthy relationship with myself. I took each day for the blessing that it was and tried to simply do the next right thing in every moment.

As a result, a funny thing happened. One day I realized it had been months since I thought about the “rainy intersection,” yet I was still driving through it every day. And when I did remember, it wasn’t the painful thorn I had experienced before. It was more of a gentle nudge that had gotten me to where I was at this moment in time. That was it, that was proof that God, or something, was doing for me what I could not do by myself, heal.

Everyone has their own “rainy intersection,” something from their past that continues to stir up pain. Pain we allow by continually focusing on it with regret or remorse. To get past these emotional black holes, all I had to do was take baby steps, concentrating on one step and one day at a time. Focusing only on things right in front of me.

I realized with this approach anything was possible. In the last three years I have finished my Bachelors in IT and went on to get my Masters in Business Administration. I’ve gotten married and now have a granddaughter. Everything I do, I accomplish one day, one moment at a time. In Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life (Amazon link) by Anne Lamott, the writer explains how, when distracted, she tries to focus on a one-inch piece of the story:

So after I’ve completely exhausted myself thinking about the people I most resent in the world, and my more arresting financial problems, and, or course, the orthodontia, I remember to pick up the one-inch picture frame and to figure out a one-inch piece of my story to tell, one small scene, one memory, one exchange. I also remember a story that I know I’ve told elsewhere but that over and over helps me to get a grip: Thirty years ago my older brother, who was ten years old at the time, was trying to get a report on birds written that he’d had three months to write. It was due the next day. We were out at our family cabin in Bolinas, and he was at the kitchen table close to tears, surrounded by binder paper and pencils and unopened books on birds, immobilized by the hugeness of the task ahead. Then my father sat down beside him, put his arm around my brother’s shoulder, and said, ‘Bird by bird, buddy. Just take it bird by bird’.

Our granddaughter is a little over 6 months old and hasn’t taken her first steps yet, but it’s amazing to watch her grow and change from week to week. One week she couldn’t really use her hands, then a few days later she’s grabbing at everything in sight. I can’t wait until she starts taking baby steps. I just know her little steps will take her far.

Lord knows how far little steps have taken me. Sometimes the steps are as uncomfortable, unnatural, or even painful as I imagine they might be for a child the first time. But as I step through them, I’m better able to face them tomorrow armed with the wisdom of today.

Today, all the things I prayed for others to receive, I have received ten-fold. Love, peace, and family.

When life get’s a little overwhelming, get out a pen and paper and right down everything that is weighing on your mind. Ask yourself if there is any REAL action you can do with each thing on your list? Yes? Do it. No? Let it go until you can or decide it’s time to take action. Now what’s the next thing you should be doing? Just concentrate on taking the next right step in each moment. Next thing you know, you’ll be looking back towards the mountains you’ve climbed!

photo credit: Jessica Bee

Baby Steps: Climbing Mountains One Action at a Time is a post from: How To Be Happy
Don't forget to sign up for my newsletter to receive my free eBook "How To Be Happy Now!" CLICK HERE to sign up!