NOTE: I wrote this article on June 27th, 2010  prior to Goodbye for now, Dad

As many of you know, I’ve been through some shyt in my life. Of which I have come out on the other side full of inner-peace and happiness. Thus the tag line matching calamity with serenity: the ability to maintain inner-peace and serenity regardless of life’s circumstances.

This is where the rubber hits the road.

June 26th, 1:30 P.M.
I’m sitting next to my mother on a small couch as we wait for the surgeon. We’ve arranged the chairs in a semi-circle with my aunt, uncle, wife, and mother facing the empty chair where the surgeon will sit. Where he will explain the results of a biopsy they did of a lump on my fathers neck. I already know the results. The day before they found 5 tumors in his brain. Cancer. Logic tells me that’s not where it originated.

The surgeon comes in and sits down, he starts to explain the bad news. I watch his lips move and hear his voice and understand what he’s saying, but I’m not in my own body anymore. I’ve seen this movie before, it’s a sad one. Yet for some reason, no tears seem to come. I hear my mother say, “it’s in God’s hands now.” I think to myself, “it’s always been in God’s hands.” The thought brings some peace to my heart in the moment. I love my mother so much. We’re so alike. After the surgeon leaves I hear “it’s OK to break down now” as everyone else seems to let go of their emotions. I just sit there, watching… I’ve seen this movie before.

My mother and I walk next to my father as he’s wheeled back to his room. Still a little groggy from surgery, he asks “is it cancer?” I look him in the eye and answer “yes it is.” As of this writing we know the cancer originated in the lungs, that it is incurable, and that they are reviewing treatment options. The rest of this story is yet to be written.

I’ve cried some and reflected a lot the last few days. I love my dad and I know he loves me. The reality is, we’re all dying. Most of us just assume it will be later rather than sooner. None of us really know; so make each moment count. I haven’t cried that much, not as much as one would think. But then I realize he’s still here and I can talk to him on the phone anytime I want. Plus my parents only live an hour and a half away; I’m lucky.

These are the moments I’ll reflect on in the years to come. Did I do the right thing or is there anything I would have done differently? The gift is to be emotionally present and feel the diverse emotions entirely. At times I do feel a little numb or that I’m watching a sad movie, yet I am grateful for the ability to feel emotions at all. And again, I’m reminded that we’re all dying and that all my family members are still alive.

One priceless gift I’ve learned through my spiritual journey—especially now—is the ability to recognize the important moments in life: All of them.

I know deep inside that everything is going to be OK. I’m able to maintain a sense of inner-peace and serenity for the most part. There are short periods of time when I feel lost, gloomy, or confused emotionally. It’s at these times that I pray and meditate more, stay connected with my support group and remind myself this too shall pass. I know at times it’s really going to suck; although I can remind myself that right now in this moment, everything is OK.

This is the moment I’ve been training for; I just hope I’m ready coach.

Spiritual Training and Finding Peace in the Midst of Chaos

Law enforcement, fireman, military, medical professionals, etc., are subjected to intense physical and mental training. The goal is that when the time comes for them to perform, they intuitively know how to react in a way which may save the lives of their fellows or themselves.

Likewise, by putting deposits into our spiritual bank account we’re hoping to have something to draw upon when the crap hits the fan. As long as we’re breathing there’s crap out there just looking for a fan. Thus the importance and practicality of prayer and meditation. It truly is a way to help us become prepared for times of conflict within ourselves and the world around us.

Some may refer to this as being a “spiritual warrior.” I’ve decided I really don’t like that term; it’s a contradiction. The roots of my spiritual growth are love and forgiveness which doesn’t really jive with the word warrior.

Chaos can be anything that doesn’t fit into the little box we consider to be our manageable life. Maybe it’s emotions we’re not used to feeling or a change in our environment, career, or relationship. Whatever the chaos may be, there can be inner-peace since our happiness and serenity are not contingent on external sources or circumstances. This serenity can get thrown off for a short period of time when we’re faced with new emotions and/or challenges, but if we’ve done the work, we fall back on our training and intuitively know what to do.

It’s OK to fall apart; yet sometimes we need others to remind us of that. However, I don’t want to force emotions which aren’t quite there yet. Maybe I’m in shock, maybe I’m just grateful for the time I do get to spend with my dad. I just know that whatever I’m feeling in each moment, that’s OK and I need to feel it.

Emotions are neither good or bad, they’re just emotions. If you’re feeling a certain way (emotion), then it’s valid; never let anyone tell you otherwise. “You shouldn’t feel that way” is like telling a river it shouldn’t flow towards the sea. The key is learning how to identify the underlying cause. In most cases, the cause is fear stemming from the perception that we’re lacking love in some way; either of ourselves or from others.

If our spiritual training is routine, comfortable, and ingrained, it can provide us some security and comfort (peace) during stressful times. Others from outside may wonder why you’re not a wreck, or you may watch others become basket cases. Yet by falling apart, I’m making it all about me aren’t I? I don’t know, I get confused sometimes on what I should be feeling… I know, I just said emotions are neither good or bad right?

One realization I did have is it’s not my job to make my father right with God and his place in the world. That’s his job. My job is to be a son. A light of sunshine and life when others only see sadness. Although I must allow others to deal with the process the best they know how. As my good friend said, “death is both a sad and a beautiful process.” I can see that now, but we’ll see where I’m at in a few months.

Thanks for stopping by.

photo credit: h.koppdelaney

Matching Calamity with Serenity: Spiritual Training and Finding Peace in the Midst of Chaos is a post from: How To Be Happy
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There are two questions I get asked a lot:
1. How do you maintain such a positive attitude?
2. How do you keep from getting angry?

Two words come to mind: Perspective and Practice.

Perspective

Perspective is something I gained through life experience and hard work.

Several years ago I was at a bottom emotionally. Life was just too hard, or so I thought at the time. I wanted to die; I was tired of trying, tired of failing. But something made me get up and try again; this time, with the desperation of a drowning man. If I didn’t find something… well I just had to find something. With the help of others, and a fearless moral inventory of myself and my past, I realized I did not treat myself well. I would not have treated someone I loved that way. I got honest, trusted people who had similar experiences, and allowed them to love me until I learned to love myself.

Today, I wake each morning with an attitude of gratitude. I am truly grateful to be alive. I want to be alive today, and I remember the time in my life when I did not. My perspective of what is important in life today is vastly different than it was before my “aha” process. For me, it has always been a process, a process where hundreds of moments spawned from action result in a changed perspective. I view the world through a spiritual lens today, and not one of self propulsion or selfish needs and desires.

There is nothing anyone could ever say or do to me, which could be worse than what I’ve done or said to myself at some point in time.

Two ways I keep a healthy perspective on the universe and my place in it:

1. Helping Others. Through support groups, I get a chance to be of service to others who struggle with the same problems I did. By helping others, I remember where I came from. It’s inevitable that the feeling of despair and pain I felt years ago will lesson as it gets further away. The fear of feeling that pain and despair again will only last for so long. By helping others, I’m reminded of where I came from and how I felt. This gives me a better perspective on how far I’ve come and how grateful I am.
2. Spiritual Growth. Nothing is a guarantee and what I do today has an effect on my Spiritual Zen tomorrow. I must continue to grow spiritually or I risk falling back into my old ways of thinking, and for me that can be fatal.

The right perspective cultivates gratitude, and a grateful heart is seldom angry. Anger also keeps me out of the present moment where life happens.

“The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present.”
- Barbara De Angelis quotes

Practice

Serenity and happiness are by-products of right living. And right living is an action. I must practice gratitude as an action. One way is by telling friends how much they mean to me or taking care of my material possessions as well as me. Eating right, getting enough sleep and exercise are all actions which help me practice gratitude for being alive. When I’m grateful, my attitude is positive.

“Your joy is the physical manifestation of gratitude.”
-Lucy MacDonald

For me, everything comes down to action. When I wake each morning, I get down on my knees and ask for guidance. It’s an action; I don’t just think about it, I do it. I do the same thing before going to bed each night and give thanks. Even if I’m in bed already reading and I’m feeling lazy, I get out of bed and on my knees. I take action and as result, I feel better about myself.

By praying for others, I practice being unselfish. If I’m harboring resentment towards someone, I pray for them—every night—to have all the things I want in my life; peace, love, health, and happiness. Sometimes this takes weeks or months and it doesn’t feel sincere, but at some point my attitude towards them changes and the resentment fades.

So how does this translate into an ability to resist anger? I guess I’m not resisting anger so much as rechanneling it… OK, so I’m praying for others right? That’s an action and I practice it. Now let’s say someone cuts me off in traffic and I start to feel the anger rising inside me. By conditioning myself through prayer (practicing), I’m better equipped to think about someone else—like the person who just cut me off. Maybe they’re on the way to the hospital or just lost their job etc. The point is, I don’t know what they may be going through, but I can pray that they find peace. This is also where perspective comes back in; At some point in my life, I have probably done the same thing to someone that this person just did to me.

I heard someone say the other day, “Things happen in the world around me, not to me.” When I realize the world does not revolve around me, I take things less personal. As a result, I’m less susceptible to anger.

I practice each day to be the best “me” I can be. This allows me to be less effected by outside influences. As a result, I’m more positive and less angry.

photo credit: Thomas Hawk

Maintaining a positive attitude and rechanneling anger through perspective and practice is a post from: How To Be Happy
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It was a beautiful summer day in 2007. My girlfriend (now my wife) and I were visiting her son and his wife. They own a small house in a rural town about twenty minutes away. It was to be a short visit, just to drop off a paint sprayer we bought for them. They were in the process of painting their house and this was sort of our way of getting out of helping—by purchasing them a nice paint sprayer (at least that’s the way my selfish brain saw it). I had visions of spending the rest of the afternoon lounging by our pool doing nothing. It was going to be great.

We arrived with the paint sprayer to discover they really didn’t want it, or need it really. Well, OK, I thought, “we tried.” Then my girlfriend, out of nowhere, offered our labor and painting services for the rest of the afternoon! I felt the resentment rise up inside me as I saw my lazy afternoon quickly dissolve into hours of sweat and climbing up and down ladders. I recognized what was happening so I left the room and went outside. I found a quiet place and prayed. I asked for acceptance and the willingness to do the next right thing. Then, it came to me.

Years from now, will I remember the day I sat by the pool and did nothing, or the day I helped my girlfriends son and his wife paint their house? The answer was clear and it felt great! We spent the rest of the afternoon painting their house.

Years from now, we’re more likely to remember a day spent helping someone else.

photo credit: Hiddenloop

How to Remember Today Years From Now is a post from: How To Be Happy
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I work with computers. I like things that make sense, most of the time. As a kid, I was always taking things apart—clocks, radios, you name it—to discover what made them tick. As for God? Whatever… show me an angel and then maybe I’ll believe in something. Show me footprints in the clay where Jesus walked and I’ll consider the possibility that a great man, a model of humanity, once walked the earth.

When it was first suggested almost three years ago that I get on my knees and pray every morning, I was desperate enough to try anything, so I did. I was told simply to pray for others and was given a few simple prayers to get me going. One I still use today is:

“God, I offer myself to Thee—to build with me and do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will Always!”

At night I was to get on my knees again and say thank you. In addition to saying thank you to nothing—the man who was suggesting I do this was the only “real thing” I believed in at the time—I was to ask for those I resented to have the same things I would want for myself. Things like love, happiness, prosperity, and even specifics such as a family and a good job.

I continued this every morning and night for about a year. Praying for others, praying that people other than myself have love, happiness, and health in their lives. I prayed for specific people, people I knew were struggling with personal problems or illness.

One evening on the way home from work, an accident caused four lanes of traffic to come to a dead stand still. Of course this was the night I was to meet my girlfriend out for dinner. Having drove this commute for several months now, I knew my normal forty minute commute was now easily going to be two hours. I felt the aggravation start to swell up in my chest as I thought about hitting the steering wheel. Then a miracle happened. My next thought went to the people in the accident, my heart swelled for them and their family members and I began to pray for them. A calmness came over me as I prayed for those in the accident and their families. However long it would take me to get home would be nothing compared to the sadness one would feel if their loved one just died on this highway. As I looked around at the other drivers beating on their steering wheels in frustration, I realized I had changed.

Today I do believe in a power greater than myself— which I call God. Whether it be God, Jehovah, Allah, Shiva, Brahma, Vishnu, or Zues, to me it doesn’t matter. In the words of Elizabeth Gilbert from Eat, Pray, Love, “I have nothing against these terms. I feel they are all equal because they are all equally adequate and inadequate descriptions of the indescribable. But we each do need a functional name for this indescribability, and ‘God’ is the name that feels the most warm to me, so that’s what I use.”

As a practical person, I realized I had changed through the practice of prayer. At times I over-analyze the use of prayer. Telling myself I’m simply more thoughtful of others because I’m taking the action of praying for them more. But in the end it all comes down to action. I take the action and something, practical or not, happens. I simply had to commit to something long enough to experience a power greater than myself.

I don’t need to see footprints in the clay today, for I feel God’s presence in my heart. God is doing for me what I was unable to do for myself. Change.

Practical Prayer is a post from: How To Be Happy
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I heard someone the other day say, “You think my problems are bad, you should see my solutions.”

For years my solution was self-will and alcohol. Today, my solutions are spiritual and mainly consist of:

• Prayer and Meditation
• Asking for help
• Rule 62, not taking myself to seriously

Its comforting to know I don’t have to figure things out on my own. I can pray for guidance and have faith the answers will come. This faith has come from experience, its just that simple. I believe God works through other people, and by asking for help, I’m seeking a spiritual answer to my problem.

photo credit: morberg

You think my problems are bad is a post from: How To Be Happy
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