Want to live a happy life? Sounds fair enough… after all, that’s what everyone is chasing after right? Problem is, which almost all of us realize, we’re chasing after the wrong things to make us happy. More than likely you got here by something you entered into your search box about happiness or a happy life. I know how you feel. Prior to finding true inner-peace and happiness I would wake up each day, look around at my life and wonder, “is this as good as it gets?” It was depressing.

People—self included—often feel we cannot live a happy life due to circumstances we think are out of our control. That’s almost always not true; of course we always think we’re the exception to the rule. That’s not to say that tragic events don’t happen to people and cause great sadness, but our ability to live a happy life is not contingent on outside sources; or at least doesn’t have to be. Nothing outside of ourselves can make us feel long-term inner-peace and happiness. Conversely, nothing outside of ourselves has the power to keep us chained to long-term unhappiness. If we’re unhappy for extended periods of time it’s because we have chosen it. Of course there may be a chemical in-balance or mental disorder that causes depression or chronic unhappiness, so I’m not saying all those who are unhappy have simply chosen to be that way. However, I’m not a doctor and can only speak from personal experience within myself and others who I have witness find true happiness in their lives by looking inward. In all cases we all had something in common, we were not happy with our lives. So much so that at times, they didn’t seem worth living.

We’re not happy with our lives because we’re not happy with ourselves or who we have become. There may be a constant nudging at our conscience telling us we’re no good or don’t deserve to be happy. Consequently, we continually sabotage ourselves and our lives. We push others away while coming up with excuses as to why we’re not worthy or have time for love in our lives. Mine often masqueraded as ambition. Or we settle for less than we deserve and convince ourselves that we’re happy. All the while wondering what went wrong as we cling to the idea and hope that someday we’ll just wake up and intuitively know how to be happy.

Since we’re unhappy with ourselves we must look outside self for validation and happiness. This can be through relationships, careers, or material possessions.

Most everyone can accept the idea that material things and external sources can only make us happy short-term at best. So what’s the alternative? The alternative is the answer to how to live a happy life. It’s self-seeking and finding your true authentic self. Sounds easy enough right? On the contrary, most of us—self included—may be afraid at what we’ll find inside ourselves.

Let me provide a little background and see if you can relate.

Growing up I had so much “potential” as everyone would say. Although when I hear people say that now I sort of cringe. It’s like saying you “could” be great, but you’re not. As if love and respect from others is conditional depending on how well we’re living up to our potential. This only validates the way we already feel on the inside. We know we’re not the person we’d like to be or know we could be; it sure doesn’t help hearing it from others. That’s why we may get defensive at times when we’re nagged about not living up to our potential. For me, there were a couple different ideal self images floating around inside my mind. One of those visions consisted of me living in a loft in downtown Kansas City, MO USA where I live, driving a Porsche and being liked and admired by everyone. I later realized that this vision of myself as being successful also was me being alone. I just assumed that once I was rich and successful then I would find a perfect wife and start a family. I think for some reason I didn’t feel worthy of love unless I was successful. Or looking even deeper than that was the fear of not being loved or knowing how to love, therefore I would blame ambition and drive for not having time for relationships. Although it’s quite amusing looking back at it now, because even though I thought I was ambitious and driven, I still wasn’t really getting anywhere. Mostly I just liked to party and do as little as possible; but I sure worked hard at trying to look and act like I was on my way to greatness.

Besides this version of myself that was successful and rich, there was also the vision of a man which was kind, caring, altruistic, a father, and great husband. I knew deep inside I had the ability to be inspiring and special; after all, my mother had always told me how great I was, and I believed her… for the most part. But deep inside there was always this scared little boy who was afraid of not being accepted or loved. I really had no idea who I was or how to live a happy life. To me, happiness was having a steady job and partying! Having a good time and happiness are not the same thing. For years I bounced around trying different jobs and relationships, trying to find out what made me happy. I eventually discovered through many painful lessons that nothing I achieve professionally or own materialistically would bring me true happiness.

The answer to “how to live a happy life” is the same as it has always been; find and accept your true authentic self and live as true to that as possible. And yes, I know it’s frustrating to keep hearing people like me say, “live right and happiness will be the result.” If you’re like me, I had no idea what that meant. I mean it sounds so simple, “just live right and find love, gratitude, and peace in your life… that is how to live a happy life.” It’s so frustrating though when you have no idea how to do that.

From experience I know it can be done and there is practical steps you can take to get there. The process is simple, yet not easy and very uncomfortable at times. Unfortunately it’s way to in-depth to get into here. However, I do talk a lot about the process in my newsletter and have outlined a 9 step process to living a happy life in my upcoming book (title and release date to TBD) How To Find Happiness: 9 Steps to Inner-Peace and Discovering Your Authentic Self (due out in late July 2011). The process requires looking deep within oneself, seeking help from others, taking out the trash from your past, discovering your true self, and then living a life where our intentions, thoughts, and actions are in tune with each other.

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”
-Ghandi

Having balance and harmony between our thoughts, words, and actions is invaluable in finding happiness. It may sound simple, but think about how often you portray a certain persona or facade to the world, all the while feeling completely different on the inside. Personally I was king at this in what I refer to as my “10 dollar life.” A period of my life when I would never put more than $5 to $10 worth of gas in my car at one time. I had the money, just not the time. I was too busy running around changing the world, getting ahead and striving for greatness in my career; or so I thought. The truth is that I was a mess, both emotionally and spiritually. But to the world I showed this guy who had his sh#$ together and was making things happen. In reality, I never slowed down enough for people to really get to know me as I was afraid they wouldn’t like the real me. How could they, I sure didn’t.

That reminds me of something I learned while working in a restaurant years ago… that if you walk around with a ketchup bottle in your hand and look busy, people will leave you alone. Just because you’re busy, doesn’t mean you’re getting things done.

After finally hitting a bottom emotionally, physically, and spiritually in March of 2006, I had to do something. That’s when I dedicated my life to finding true inner-peace and happiness. Out of the process of self-discovery and a lot of outside help, I learned to love and respect the real me. It was a simple process, but not easy. I had to be willing to abandon everything I thought I knew about life and my place in it. The result was finding true inner-peace and happiness.

The most valuable part of learning to love, accept, and respect self, is you require less external sources for happiness. The result is a happiness that is not contingent on others or your circumstances. Sure there’s going to be times when you’re unhappy and a little down, but even in these times you can maintain a deep sense that everything is fundamentally OK. The entire process of how to live a happy life is discovering your true authentic self and living as closely to it as you can, forgiving self and others, and the realization that you are not defined by your past and deserve to be happy. A victim is a spectator in their own life and you do not have to be a victim, you can choose to be a survivor and become responsible for your own happiness.

Here is something I wrote in my journal a few years ago.

Yesterday, after my morning meditation, I wrote down a passage from “The Christmas Sweater” by Glenn Beck and shoved it into the back pocket of my jeans. I wrote it down to share with a group of people I would be speaking to that afternoon. The passage is dialog between little Eddie, the main character, and his mother. Eddie is upset about his father’s recent death and getting an itchy sweater for Christmas instead of the bike he wanted.

“I know that things have been hard since Dad died. But it’s been hard for both of us. At some point you have to realize that everything happens for a reason. It is up to you to find that reason, learn from it, and let it take you to the place you’re supposed to be–not just where you have ended up.”  …”you can either complain about how hard your life is, or you can realize that only you are responsible for it. You get to choose: Am I going to be happy or miserable? And nothing–not a sweater and certainly not a bike–will ever change that.”
- Page 108 of The Christmas Sweater by Glenn Beck

What a powerful message: “At some point you have to realize that everything happens for a reason. It is up to you to find that reason, learn from it, and let it take you to the place you’re supposed to be—not just where you have ended up.”

I didn’t share this passage during my speech, I forgot. But after speaking, a women approached me with tears in her eyes. She told me about her son who had recently committed suicide. I told her I was sorry, gave her a hug and then remembered the sheet of paper in my back pocket. I pulled it out and handed it to her.

To truly learn from a past experience you must accept it. However, just because you accept something doesn’t mean you have to like it. It’s important to realize the difference. Acceptance is much like forgiveness in that it’s giving up on the hope of a better past.

At times I’m not the biggest fan of the phrase “everything happens for a reason.” I think a lot of people use it because they don’t understand or accept something that has happened in their lives or to someone they know or love. I don’t believe things happen for a reason necessarily, but that we have the power to learn and give meaning and reason to what has happened. Everything painful in life is an opportunity to grow. As long as we remain the victim we can blame something or someone else while avoiding responsibility and thus the real commitment to learn.

Fundamentally Everything Is OK

On June 26th of 2010 my father was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. On July 6th, ten days later, he passed away. It was a real shock and my family and I were just getting used to the fact that he was sick… then he passed away. I can tell you it wasn’t easy and was difficult to accept at first. But throughout the entire thing I knew deep down everything was doing to be OK. Sure it would be different without my dad there, but I would be OK. As part of my self-discovery process and commitment to living a happy life, over the last few years I learned a lot about my father. I learned a lot about him by learning a lot about  myself. I realized I didn’t need the constant approval and deep emotional connection with my father that I thought I’d resented for so many years. That burden was all on me! .

Over the last couple of years I learned to speak my fathers love language and understand him. As a result our relationship had grown a little deeper as it went along. I am sorry that we’ll not be able to continue learning about each other. However, I am grateful that I had the chance to get to know him so well over the last few years. None of that would have been possible if I had not sought to find happiness in my own life.

No matter what happens to you in your life, you can and deserve to be happy. The key to this is getting OK with who you are as an individual, or discovering your authentic self and living up to it. If you really think about the unhappiness in your life, it stems from regret of the past or fear of the future. So the key to living a happy life then is learning how to stay in the moment. Think about it… look around you right now, I’ll bet in this very instant everything is fundamentally OK in your life. You’re not on fire or falling down a big hill. So the key to happiness is learning how to be content in the moment and comfortable with yourself and your circumstances right now in this instance! The reason you struggle with staying in the moment is because your head fills up with how inadequate you are, regrets, fears, etc. so you keep busy; running around and trying not to stop too long or you might realize how screwed your are!

“All misery derives from the inability to sit in a quite room alone.”
- Author Unknown

Learning to be OK with self takes work. You must get rid of all the trash that’s getting in the way of self love. Through practical action and steps it can be done and is guaranteed to lead you to living a happy life. The question is, do you really want to be happy?

If you answer yes and mean it, then I suggest you sign up for my newsletter if you haven’t already. And thank you so much for taking the time to read all of this.

How to Live a Happy Life (regardless of your circumstances) is a post from: How To Be Happy
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Fear can be debilitating. It can stop us in our tracks as we pursue our dreams, aspirations, or even the simplest of daily tasks. So how and why does fear manifest itself in our lives and what can we do to live a fearless life? In Guy Finley’s book, The Courage to Be Free: Discover Your Original Fearless Self, he discusses some simple steps and keys to freeing oneself and living fearless.

The book starts with a cute parable demonstrating how we become attached and crippled by false beliefs. The story is about a group of bald eagles duped by some crows into believing they need certain equipment to be more effective. Equipment like rain coats, goggles, and flight suits. The eagles are visited by a wise owl named Solomon who eventually convinces them to see past these beliefs and realize they were born with the only equipment they need. This leads to the first key lesson in this wonderful little book:

No negative state, no compromising or otherwise self-defeating thought or feeling, is your “original equipment.”

The first part of the book helps us see that negative thinking, fear, regret, resentment, and anxiety are not part of our true authentic self. What’s more useful is that following each key lesson are specific areas of proof, insight, and explanation. I like books that lay things out to me in an easy and logical way.

This is actually pretty powerful as we begin to see that “our mind is scaring itself!”

At the end of each key lesson is a “Your new action” section listing actions to take towards practicing these new lessons in your life.

In chapter 6, “Act on What You Know Is True” Guy reminds us of the power of being present to what we know is true. And my favorite part, that knowing is only have the battle and where most people stall at making great changes in their life.

“Wisdom is the seed to freedom, but only in action do we see it flower.”

In a past article, how to eliminate fear, I talked about two things that contribute to fear: lack of faith and control—and ways to overcome them. In The Courage to Be Free, Guy helps us understand the things we do have control over.

Guy uses the analogy of a child whose parents take away their favorite toy making room for something better they know is on its way. Once we can look at life in this way—having faith that whatever we’re going through at any given moment is preparing us for something better—we can begin to live a fearless life.

So if you want a great little book that’s easy to read (only 114 pages) check out The Courage to Be Free: Discover Your Original Fearless Self. Oh, and if you follow the links on this page you’ll get over 80 free bonus gifts for a limited time. Check it out!

Full Disclosure and Some Thoughts on Living Fearless

A few months ago I got a signed copy of the aforementioned book and read it one Saturday afternoon. Yes, I got it free and yes the links on this page are affiliate links (which means if you purchase anything from Guy I’ll get a commission).

In all the reading and exposure I get in the self and personal development arena, one term seems to come up a lot; authentic self. It seems to be quite the buzz phrase these days surrounding personal development. So what does that mean and how does it relate to living fearless?

According to Dr. Phil (yes, I’m quoting Dr. Phil):

“The authentic self is the you that can be found at your absolute core. It is the part of you not defined by your job, function or role. It is the composite of all your skills, talents and wisdom. It is all of the things that are uniquely yours and need expression, rather than what you believe you are supposed to be and do.”

Do you know who you are at your core? Or are you afraid of what it will reveal to you?

Growing up on a farm I was pretty fearless. I would jump out of hay lofts, wrestle cows in the mud, ride pigs, all sorts of things. Most dealt with physical aspects of life, and most of the time I was fearless alone. At some point it became uncomfortable to be around people.

Recently as my niece ventured into her first day of kindergarten, my mother reminded me of how scared I was the first time I went to school. She had to walk me past the “big kids” for the first week.

I’m not sure I believe the theory that we are born fearless and perfect then jaded by society. I was full of fear emotionally as long as I can remember. I think the moment I was born I was hiding behind my mothers leg.

It makes me wonder what it means to really be fearless and how it relates to being in touch with my authentic self. As a child, my mother always told me how special I was, but that didn’t do squat for getting rid of the fear to walk past the bullies. It wasn’t until I experienced success for myself emotionally that I knew I was able to face things I never imagined possible.

As I got older I did my best at living my life as I “thought” it was supposed to be lived. I had no idea who I was and what made me happy. Granted I sure thought I knew at the time; it mostly revolved around having fun. I realize now I was living a life consumed by fear.

My biggest fear was rejection and of being unlovable and accepted totally for who I was—my authentic self—which I had no concept of. The biggest obstacle was the fear that my authentic self wouldn’t be good enough—which is reasonable since I didn’t know it intimately. I portrayed a different self externally feed by ego then what I felt internally. It wasn’t until I dealt with internal conflicts and begin unraveling and ridding myself of regrets, fears, and resentments was I able to dissolve the layers that separated my external self with my true authentic self.

To my amazement I realized my authentic self was lovable and good enough. As I already have everything I need—original equipment—what is there to fear?

P.S. Thank you to everyone who left a comment on last weeks post on Self-Pity and congratulations to Jim and Mary who won a free copy of Guy Finley’s book, The Courage to Be Free!

How To Be Fearless: Harnessing the Courage to Be Free is a post from: How To Be Happy
Don't forget to sign up for my newsletter to receive my free eBook "How To Be Happy Now!" CLICK HERE to sign up!

In a recent job interview I was asked “what are you best at?” My answer was communicating, inspiring, and remaining calm under pressure. The next question was, “how much time do you spend doing those things in your current position?” My answer… hmm, well, at first I said none but then changed it to maybe 10%. After which I shifted in my seat, gave my real serious look and said, “Here’s the deal… I wake up each morning and remind myself I’m here to be of service to others; and that I can be of service regardless of my job title.” Also known as—I’m an optimist and make the best out of any situation—speech. It became obvious I wasn’t currently in a position—professionally—to excel at what I do best. Since then I’ve been thinking about something…

How did I develop good communication skills?

The answer: getting to know myself and practice.

The ironic thing is I used to be a horrible communicator. The trail of failed relationships in my past is testimony to that. How did I go from captain (mis)communicator to where I’m at today? A place where my wife—just a few days ago—asked me, “How did you get so good at relationships and communicating?” I thought for a quick second and realized it wasn’t something I set out to accomplish; it was a by-product of self-acceptance and developing a healthy relationship with self. Becoming a good communicator was sort of by accident…

There is no shortage of top-ten lists or keys to effective communication on the web or your local bookstore (Let me Google that for you). I rarely research my topics—anyone can give you keys to effective communication—what I offer is actual experience and what has worked for me. So here are my suggestions, based on my experience, on developing good communication skills.

Disclaimer: Sometimes I still suck fail at communicating effectively. Although I am better at identifying what’s hindering my effectiveness (e.g. fear, ego).

Know Yourself

The single most effective way of relating to others is being in touch with our own emotions. I remember hearing the term get it out of your head and into your heart. It confused the hell out of me as I had no idea what they were talking about. In trying to think of a way to explain this, the simplest thing I can think of is: it takes one to know one.

The more we learn about ourselves as individuals, the better we understand others. It just makes sense, it’s logical. It’s like learning to speak the same language. Thus we’re better able to communicate.

Listen

We spend most of our time waiting for our turn to speak rather than listening. I’m still guilty of this from time to time. You know… that little voice in your head that’s suggesting something fantastic to say if they’d only stop jabbering for a minute so you can wow them with your brilliance? The moment the voice (ego) weighs in we tune out.

Here’s what I do:

As the voice starts to speak up, I recognize it and quickly tell myself (silently of course), “if it’s that important, God will put the words in my mouth when its time.” Then I try and get back to listening. Maybe you’re thinking… how can you be listening if you’re talking to yourself? Good question, it gets easier with practice—recognizing the voice, silencing it, and having the faith it will speak up when it’s time.

When we’re really listening, we identify better with a person’s emotions and experiences. See again how this all comes back to truly knowing ourselves! The ability to connect on an emotional level creates sincerity in the conversation. I have a friend who’s really good at this… he makes you feel as if you’re the most important person in his life at that moment.

Stop Judging

Most people don’t realize how visible their opinions are when communicating. We’ll get more into this when talking about body language, but when we’re judging someone, it shows. Again, this comes back to truly accepting ourselves. If we’re insecure or unclear of our own identity it’s easier to look for flaws in others.

Our ego gets involved and looks for ways of elevating us above the other person. “You’re stupid for doing it that way; this is how you should do it.” Self-righteousness will come through in our communication and create conflict between those involved.

Until we get the ego out of the way, we’re not really communicating; we’re just feeding our looking-good racket. Even the best communicators can really suck at it sometimes; emotions and ego often get in the way and cloud our judgment.

Be Understanding Rather Than Understood

Being understanding rather than understood is a passage I love from the Prayer of St. Francis and can literally change your life. Knowing and understanding self greatly increased the ability to understand others. When communicating, try and put yourself in their shoes. Granted this might be difficult if you’ve never experienced something similar, but try and relate to the emotions you hear them expressing. If you’re in touch with your own emotions, it’s easier to get a feel of what they’re going through.

When was the last time you really tried to convince someone of something? Something you knew in your heart was the right thing to do but they just couldn’t understand or balked at your suggestion or advice. It can be really frustrating.

Now, think about a time when someone was giving you advice or a suggestion. Maybe deep in your gut you felt true to the way you were approaching the situation. There was just something inside that insisted the other person didn’t know what they were talking about.

Now apply that same feeling or situation to the person you’re trying to persuade. Be understanding of their situation rather than insisting they just don’t understand what you’re trying to say. If you’re thinking, “they just don’t get it,” then you’re not communicating effectively. More importantly, it’s not your job to make them get anything; that’s their job. Just listen and give suggestions based on your experience.

I don’t know about you, but the most effective change I ever made was when I realized I didn’t have the answer and asked someone I trusted for help. The best thing you can do is show your expertise in a certain area by actions. Trust me, if someone needs or wants something you have, they’ll ask for it when ready. People are ready for advice and suggestions when they ask! Insisting they take you’re advice before they’re ready will only push them away. Sadly it usually takes emotional pain for most of us to be ready.

Validate Emotions

One of the biggest mistakes I made in previous relationships was the inability to accept my partner’s emotions. Here are a couple comments that may sound familiar:

• “I can’t believe you feel that way.”
• “You shouldn’t feel that way.”
• “Obviously you misunderstood me if you feel that way”

Hogwash and total bull crap! (I know, I have such a foul mouth) Insisting that someone shouldn’t feel a certain way is like telling them they shouldn’t breath. If you feel it, then it’s valid! Emotions are neither good or bad, wrong or right, they’re just emotions. What we need to look at is the underlying cause of the emotion. As communicators, we have an opportunity to help facilitate the discovery process. We have to be careful here though… as the underlying cause may be something we have done (more than likely it’s due to our poor communication). This is where our ego steps in to protect itself and sabotage the communication. It may insist they shouldn’t feel that way… surely they misunderstood.

Give people the dignity to own and feel their emotions.

Body Language

There’s an entire science behind body language (actually I don’t know if there is, that just sounded good and I couldn’t find an actual “science” via Google). Point being, it’s a broad topic and one I find interesting. I’ll just touch on a few things I practice or have learned.

Whether we know it or not, our body is giving off signals as to how engaged we are in communication. For example, having your arms crossed sends a closed off and unreceptive signal while an open stance sends one that is more inviting. Pay attention to how you’re standing or sitting when listening to someone.

Great communicators listen well and stay engaged in the conversation. I have a tendency to tune-out sometimes and stop “really” listening halfway through a conversation. I may fiddle with my cell phone, try to listen to the TV or something in the background, or just gaze while the other person is talking. The gazing part is a response to my brain tuning out; either to listen to something else or chatting up a storm about my response. People pick up on that. At least I know my wife does because she’ll start saying things like “so I mowed my tongue today” just to see if I’m listening. Trust me, if she notices, so do other people. Even though I still do this at times, I’m better able to catch myself and re-engage in the conversation—hopefully before they notice I left.

When I was a restaurant manager I learned to read the body language of customers. You can tell when approaching a table if they’re engaging people or just want to be left alone. You can tell, just by watching, what they need. Maybe they’re looking at their hands and wish they had another napkin or swiveling their head looking for help. Likewise, people give off signals as to what they’re feeling.

It goes back to the idea; it takes one to know one. Being in-tune with our emotions helps us feel the energy and emotions of others more easily. Those emotions come out in eye movements, hand placement, and all sorts of subtle changes in body language.

Remember the saying; Get it out of your head and into your heart? As we improve in all areas of communication through self-awareness, we can actually move past verbal communication alone and actually begin to feel conversations. It’s hard to explain. If someone is hurting you can feel it as it comes out in their body language and expression; likewise with joy and happiness.

Reduce Emotional Investment

This may be the most difficult area to master and one which many of you might disagree.

Having an emotional investment in the outcome of an interaction or conversation with someone increases the chance that our communication will be tainted by our ego’s agenda.

If you take my advice then I am right and I am a good person.

If we’re emotionally invested in the outcome of an experience or conversation, our ego or motive is driven to control the outcome in our favor. If we feel disliked or have a low self-esteem, we’re likely to sway the conversation towards something that will make us look good. This is normal and still happens to me all the time. I’ll often walk away from a conversation realizing I just made the exchange all about me. This is when I can determine if I need to apologize or connect with them again briefly to let them know I heard what they said and was taking them seriously.

To be emotionally detached from the outcome of a conversation does not mean you don’t care. It means that no matter what the outcome, you’re still able to maintain an overall sense of inner-peace and emotional stability. For me, getting to a place where happiness and peace is not contingent on outside sources is the goal. Some day’s I’m closer to that goal than others; consequently my communication is better. The more in-tune I am with my inner voice, emotions, or “gut” the better I am at communicating. That’s why prayer and meditation are an important part of my day. If my head is full of crap spinning around, I’m probably not going to be a very good communicator.

Communicating with a Partner or Spouse

This is where everything gets deep and we must rely more than ever on love and acceptance of self. This is where the rubber hits the road and we practice faith in ourselves and God’s love for us.

As we grow and mature spiritually and emotionally, we become more open, honest, and secure with who we are as individuals. This results in less need for outside sources for validation and acceptance. Thus we’re better able to give and receive love—unconditionally.

It is a beautiful thing when two emotional mature human beings share themselves with each other—which is how I view my wife and I today. The reason we communicate so well is we are both secure with who we are as individuals—separate from the other. Make no mistake about it though, we do have differences of opinions and sometimes even heated discussions. But we truly respect each other and only want what’s best for us and our marriage. This means sometimes deciding to be happy rather than right.

The faith comes in when sharing feelings, thoughts, or emotions with your partner; in faith that we are loved unconditionally by God. Now most people would say “don’t you mean loved unconditionally by your partner?” Surely you would hope so, but love and acceptance for self begins with the belief that we’re loved unconditionally regardless of our circumstances. The point here is that when we share our lives and inner-most feelings with someone (anyone), we must feel somewhat complete and whole—or we’re going to filter what we share in fear we won’t be accepted or loved. Have you ever shared just enough of something with your partner to see what their reaction is going to be? Then, based on how they react, alter what you say or do?

One HUGE breakthrough in my ability to communicate effectively with my wife (shortly after we first met) was the day I took a chance. A chance that even if I shared my inner-most feelings, emotions, fears, etc. that she might just stick around. This worked because I was already OK with myself and knew I would be fine if she left or thought less of me. Sure it would suck, but the reality was, my inner-peace and clear conscience meant more to me and was bigger than any one person or relationship; regardless of how much they meant to me. So I had faith, took a chance, opened up and was completely honest. A funny thing happened, not only did she stick around; she was inspired and loved me even more for being honest.

Your homework; is to practice an ancient Sufi tradition: In your life together, speak words to your beloved only if they can pass through 3 gates: First, is it truthful? Second, is it necessary? Third, is it kind? If your words are truthful & necessary & kind, then the love you have maintained up until today will be nourished and continue to grow & your name will continue to remain safe in your beloved’s mouth.
-The Guaranteed Way to Never Say Something You’ll Regret!

Granted this is a lot easier said then done. Even though I know this whole concept in theory, I still fall back into old habits sometimes. Or I should say old fears.

It’s been my experience that being completely honest about everything is a lot easier. Although I do believe it works best when the individuals involved are secure with themselves and emotionally mature. It takes a certain level of emotional maturity to not take everything your partner says personal. If you really want your partner to be completely honest and open with you, make sure they know you love them unconditionally no matter what. I guess you’d better make sure you do though… because it will show.

A therapist told me once I suffered from conflict avoidance… the term is pretty self-explanatory. Although I thought the word suffer was a little extreme. Anyway, I would bet most people would rather avoid conflict—I know that’s not always the case but we’ll leave the discussion of what their payoff is for another time. The important thing here is paying attention to how you react to what your partner is communicating. If you’re reaction is negative, they’re liable to avoid sharing such information with you again. I know this seems illogical and practically impossible to follow; not showing deep emotion when someone shares something hurtful with you. But if we’re coming from a place of love and acceptance, there really isn’t anything that can cause us harm. Plus, we cannot change what the person has already done. What we can control is our reaction and what we do from this point forward.

One technique I use when learning of something that may seemingly be hurtful to me, is ask myself: have I done the same thing? Chances are, at some point in my life I have done the exact same thing or something similar; this allows me to be understanding and empathetic.

I used to hate the question, “what are you feeling?” The truth was I just didn’t know. So I made up something; usually something I knew they wanted to hear. I didn’t know who I was as a person and continually searched outside myself for happiness and acceptance. The result was terrible communication since every conversation was conducted by my ego trying to keep itself safe.

The Bottom Line

If you want to develop better communication skills, start building a healthy relationship with yourself. Start by opening the lines of communication with your inner-self. After all, you have to be with YOU more than anyone else; you might as well learn how to get along!

What skills do you practice to become a better communicator?

Oh, one more thing – I got the job!

photo credit: joshfassbind.com

How to Develop Good Communication Skills (accidentally on purpose) is a post from: How To Be Happy
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Finding happiness within ourselves is the key to long-lasting happiness. If you’ve researched enough on how to be happy, this is no big news to you I’m sure. But exactly how do we find the happiness which everyone is referring to… this happiness that’s supposedly already inside us?

One way is by taking out the trash. In the book and movie The Way of The Peaceful Warrior, the master tells his student to “take out the trash.” The trash is all the crap inside our heads that gets in the way of us realizing the potential and significance of each and every moment. Sometimes we forget that we have the ability to choose peace and happiness for ourselves. We get so caught up in the process of being right or understood; we forget that we have the ability to choose happiness and that in fact, the key to how to be happy lies within us already!

Likewise, we also have the ability to choose peace. In a moment when you feel your insides start to tighten, or someone is pushing all the right buttons, remind yourself that you are choosing peace. No one really—when you think about it—has the ability to cause you unhappiness. Happiness truly is an inside job and when you let someone cause you unhappiness, you’re taking away your own control and giving it to them. Have you ever heard the term “giving someone rent free space in your head?”

Allowing others to affect your happiness is like giving them the power to re-write your own past and future. It’s just not necessary. Think about the last time someone really got on your nerves. Maybe you stayed up half the night worrying about what they did or furious about something they said. Next time that happens, get in your car and drive past their house; chances are they’re sound asleep. You see, many times what people say or do is over dramatized or inflated inside our minds.

Another way of taking out the trash is paying attention to the committee inside our own minds. The committee is that voice telling us we’re going to fail or aren’t good enough. Learn to listen to that voice in your own mind and what it’s telling you. Think about how you would talk to or encourage a good friend, is that the voice you hear in your own head? You need to start getting rid of the trash talk going on in your own mind!

Ego Deflation

A wise person once said, “I’d rather be happy than right.” Think about that for a moment… how many times does your ego insist that you must be right about something? However, think about how happy you’d really be if you were right all the time. You might be thinking right now… “Well, I’d be pretty happy.” The idea that you have to be right is just your ego feeding itself; trying to prop you up higher than others. Anytime you’re feeling the need to be better than anyone else, you’re still comparing yourself to others. Moreover, as long as you’re still comparing yourself to others, happiness is going to be difficult to find and hold onto.

Francine Ward has a great saying, “You get self-esteem by doing esteemable acts.” Doing things for others without any expectation of something in return is a great way to build self-esteem. Here are a few ideas for building self-esteem:

• Send $10 to someone anonymously whom you know could use the extra money
• Rake your neighbors leaves one day while they’re gone at work – anonymously!
• Find someplace in your community that you can volunteer to help those less fortunate
• (Here’s something I used to do and should start doing again!) When jogging or walking around my neighborhood, I take a small trash bag and stop to pick up trash
• Call an old friend
• Write a letter (yes a letter) to a friend or family member you haven’t talked to in a while. Sending a nice funny card is always fun also!
• Tell someone you love how much they mean to you. Really take some time to think about what you appreciate about them and tell them about it

Finding happiness within yourself begins with knowing what you need to be happy. Like I’ve said many times before, it’s like buying a gift for someone you don’t know very well; it’s hard!

I can’t emphasis enough how helpful it can be to have someone help you with finding out what you truly need to be happy. Many times, its simple fears that are getting in the way. Fear of not being accepted, loved, fear of failure, etc. Having someone help you determine what those fears are is the first step in deciding whether or not they’re valid. Then you can do something about them!

I used a therapist years ago to help me get over a fear of commitment. I knew I loved the person (my wife now) but was scared to move forward and felt that old urge to run away again like I always had before. But I realized that I would be continuing along a path already traveled; that as long as I kept doing the same things, I was going to keep getting the same results. That’s insanity! The therapist helped me realize many things and get over my fear. I learned that my fear was mostly rooted in the fear of not being totally accepted, among other things. As I continued to work towards my happy life, I realized that I was capable of being loved completely for who I was. I can honestly say today that my life is filled with more happiness than I could have ever imagined. You see, I tried something different and chose happiness for myself! I learned how to find happiness by looking inside myself.

If you struggle with finding happiness within yourself, first take a look at your fears and get help in determining what they are and how to deal with them. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting!

How to Find Happiness Within Yourself is a post from: How To Be Happy
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It’s a rainy day in 2004 and my fiance’ and I are sitting at an intersection waiting for the light to change. I can see our destination across the intersection; a loan office where a check is waiting for our engagement ring. My gut is telling me this isn’t the right thing to be doing (the marriage not the loan) so I pick a fight. I’m not equipped emotionally to know what I need or want out of life; all I know is the fear of being alone. My fiance’ begins to cry and I fear she does not love me, so I tell her I love her and everything is going to be OK. We pick up the loan check. We get married in January of ‘05 and annulled six months later. Looking back, fear influenced nearly every decision in my life.

As I have transformed my life into a purposeful spiritual journey, one thing has become abundantly clear; fear had been and continues to be at the root of most of my problems. The fear I experience is usually rooted in two beliefs: 1) that I’m not going to get something I think I want, or 2) that I’m about to lose something I think I have. I emphasis think in both instances because most of what I have is merely an illusion. In that they’re material or contingent on others; neither one of which I have control over. What I do have control over is my thoughts, where most of my fears are manifested.

FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real

Fear as a Motivator

One of the reasons we find it hard to completely rid our lives of fear is; fear is a great motivator.

You can apply this to almost any situation. Fear of economic insecurity motivates us to work harder; fear of being alone motivates us to date or enter relationships (whether we should or not!), fear of sickness motivates us to take better care of ourselves (hopefully), the list could go on. So how do we overcome fear and use it to our advantage in a healthy way? The key lies in transforming fear into something useful and productive that enhances our lives and our spiritual journey.

One thing I discovered years ago was that reactionary decisions based solely on fear inevitably placed me in a position which was detrimental to me; whether I realized it at the time or not. Relationships, jobs, you name it; when making decisions based mainly on fear, I found myself in situations that I knew were not right for me. In many cases, the painful realization that I made the wrong decision came later—at the price of my serenity and/or that of others.

Perhaps fear can still be a good thing as it motivates; maybe instead of overcoming fear, we should think about transforming fear into something useful.

While doing research on overcoming fear, I came across a free report by Dr. Tim Ong called Transforming Fear (PDF).

Dr. Ong illustrates what I was talking about above; fear gets things done:

One of the reasons why fear is so prevalent is because it gets things done, often according to what we want. For example, we threaten punishment to our kids for misbehaving. We threaten loss of job for the employee who does not perform. The government threatens fines and imprisonment for those who break the laws. Politicians and marketers are especially skillful in using fear as a motivator to get our votes or sell their products and services. The insurance industry highlights fear in the forms of loss of life or health to sell their products. Even the healthcare industry, particularly some doctors and pharmaceutical companies, uses fear to promote their services and products.

It is important for us to realize that fear begets more fear. The more we focus our lives on fear, the more fear appears in our lives. It becomes a never ending vicious cycle.

In my experience and probably yours, decisions made out of fear rarely end up being right for me, and often lead to more fear or unhappiness. So I concur with Dr. Ong’s findings. Dr. Ong then continues the report with a practical problem solving process consisting of: 1. Identify the Problem, 2. Find its root cause, 3. Determine the solution, and 4. Work towards the solution. Additionally he goes into detail about the nature(cost) of fear, and root causes such as insecurity, loneliness,  and loss. I found his article on fear amazingly accurate and helpful.

Dr. Ong suggests that fear is often manifested, unknowingly by ourselves as a result of our belief system. He then gives a 500 word exercise to help you discover more about your belief system.

I do disagree with Dr. Ong in that all fear is caused by three things: insecurity, loneliness, or loss. I would argue that regardless of the cause, all fear (emotional) comes back to insecurity; both physical and emotional. Isn’t the feeling of loneliness actually the result of feeling inadequate or incapable of finding happiness by ourselves? Maybe a better root cause of fear could simply be the absence of love. I don’t know… maybe that’s a whole different topic.

Overcoming fear is a process we learn, and ultimately we overcome fear by transforming it into something useful. For me, anything that separates me from others or a spiritual guided life is detrimental to my well being. Learning how to identify the cause of my fear is just another step towards enlightenment and thus a healthier spiritual life. Nonetheless, regardless of your belief system, you can learn to overcome fear by identifying the root cause behind the fear itself.

One great point Dr. Ong makes in overcoming fear is, “Fear, like all other emotions, is preceded by a thought. It is in fact a mental state.” So if we learn how to control our thoughts, ultimately we can overcome fear.

If you’re struggling with fear, I encourage you to download Dr. Ong’s report Transforming Fear (PDF). It’s free and you don’t even have to enter your name or email address!

photo credit: Muddy Funkster

Overcoming Fear is a post from: How To Be Happy
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Finding happiness within ourselves is the ultimate goal. Only then are we able to experience long-lasting happiness and the key to how to be happy. The main benefit of finding happiness within ourselves is; it is not contingent on any outside source. To find happiness in yourself is to discover happiness that is resilient to circumstances and external forces in your life. For most, an inner-peace and happiness that can stand the test of despair and loss sounds unimaginable. Think of the amazing sense of security and comfort that would come with the ability to match calamity with serenity.

Emotions are neither good nor bad, they’re just emotions.

To find happiness in yourself, one must think about emotional maturity. The ability to realistically evaluate one’s emotions is vital to determining what can be done, or not, when it comes to experiences that may bring us unhappiness.

Here’s an example.

A few years ago I lost a friend to cancer. When I first met Tim we were both going through a rough and transitional period in our lives; both trying to get over some rough pasts that had left us emotionally, physically, and spiritually drained. I learned quickly that Tim had already survived cancer once, only to have it return with vengeance shortly after we met. As a fellow musician, Tim and I took to each other quickly and began a special friendship. I told him early on that I would be there with him when the cancer got bad, or at least I alluded to the fact that when things got bad, I would be there. That we would play music together and everything would be OK. However, over the following months we sort of lost track of each other; or rather I did not do my best in finding what was going on with him or where exactly he was living at the time. One day I received a phone call from a mutual friend that Tim had passed away. I was shocked.

At first I was sad, but then something strange happened; I dismissed the feelings of guilt and sadness. I started asking myself questions like, “How well did you really know him?” or “Were we really that good of friends and had I really made a promise to be there with him at the end?” The key point here is my inner-self was trying to minimize the emotional attachment I had to his death. I was stuffing my feelings thus stunting the emotional process needed to properly grieve. This in turn caused me great inner-conflict and unhappiness and ultimately self-destructive behaviors.

After a year of being lost and unhappy, I hit a bottom and sought help through proper counseling. I learned how to properly deal with my emotions; listen to them and allow myself to feel all emotions, sadness, anger, loneliness, etc. By learning to properly feel all emotions, I’m better equipped on how to deal with them.

The basis of how to find happiness is all about inner-peace and finding that happiness within ourselves. Finding happiness in yourself begins with knowing what emotions you’re feeling and how to deal with them. Sometimes we may need to detach from certain emotions or feel them completely in order to learn from them. Detachment can be helpful in the healing process. Sometimes we need to detach as opposed to feeling all the pain and hurt too deeply. However, detachment is not the same as denial. Denial is having an unrealistic view of the circumstances. Detachment can be with love and only once we’ve learned how to totally understand the underlying emotions.

In losing my friend Tim, I had some guilt and remorse for not being there like I said I was going to be. This weighed heavily on my conscience and reeked havoc on my inner-peace and happiness. But until I learned how to feel and listen to those emotions, I was unable to get past those feelings. Instead of dealing with them in a healthy manner, I was subconsciously beating myself up inside. By diminishing the value of our friendship, I was attempting to reduce the feelings of guilt and justify my behavior. In the end, no matter how I rationalized our friendship—whether or not we were as close as I thought—the fact remained that I held some guilt and sorrow over his loss.

The Key to Finding Happiness within you is first learning how to accept you!

We’re never going to be happy with ourselves until we accept ourselves for who we are. This is all somewhat of a paradox since we must have a realistic view and understanding of our emotions before we can begin to accept ourselves. Our emotions tell us a lot about where we feel inadequate; thus what areas we need to work on. Take for example fear.

Fear raises its head as many different emotions such as anger, envy and jealousy just to name a few. I would say that 90% of the time I’m feeling some type of inner turmoil or unhappiness, fear is at the root. More specifically, fear of losing something I think I have or not getting something I think I want. Regardless, it’s compromising my ability to be happy with myself. The fear is usually fueled by the thought of rejection. And just as fear is responsible most of the time, the rejection aspect is almost always rooted in the way I think I may be perceived by others.

So if fear is causing 90% of my unhappiness, how do I get rid of it?

That’s easier said then done, but it can be done. The first step is discovering what you fear and why. Take it back to its root emotion and you’re closer to finding the real solution. Almost always we find it’s due to the feeling of rejection or not being loved. Fear of loosing something we think we have or not getting something we think we want. I stress think in the previous sentence because time and experience has shown me that what I usually think I want is not what I need. Eliminating fear comes down to faith and control. Faith from experience that things will work out the way they’re meant to, and let them take us to where we’re supposed to be, not just where we’ve ended up. Moreover, as far as control is concerned, the sense to know what we can and cannot control; which comes with practice and a realistic view of ourselves.

Finding happiness with ourselves is definitely a process, but it starts with self-love and acceptance. We must know where we’re at before we can determine the path we need to take us where we want to go!

How to Find Happiness in Yourself is a post from: How To Be Happy
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I am six years old and shivering as I glare at the freezing water from the edge of a pool. It is 7:30 a.m. and I am supposed to be in the water with the rest of the students… and my mother. Scared and cold, I muster every bit of courage I have, and jump.

A few short minutes later, I am OK. Actually, the water feels good now—not nearly as cold as when I jumped in. Did the water temperature change? Of course not—the water temperature did not change, I did.

“The key to change… is to let go of fear.”
-Rosanne Cash

Just like the fear of jumping into cold water, I sometimes fear uncomfortable situations. Situations, which prior to living a spiritual life, I avoided at all costs. Usually numbed out or tuned out in some way. These situations are usually a change in my normal routine or what feels comfortable.

Today when faced with something uncomfortable—whether rooted in fear, jealousy, anger—I am better aware of it, and know from experience, I’m probably getting ready to grow somehow spiritually and/or emotionally. Armed with this attitude, I am better prepared to face any obstacle or change in my life with minimal fear.

Life has not gotten easier; my perspective is just different.

I was not always this way. It took a lot of pain to make me change. Moreover, I did not want to change, I had to. Thank God. I was unaware there was a better way to live—I didn’t know what I didn’t know.

So the secret is (drum roll), the world and circumstances of our lives do not change, we do. Things happen around me, not to me. It’s how I react to change that either enhances or stunts my spiritual growth.

I am especially excited to hear about how you have accepted changes in your lives! Share in the comments.

I will leave you with another quote that gives a hint into how we can accomplish and view change:

“If you want something you’ve never had, you must do something you’ve never done.” –Unknown

So the next time you’re standing at the edge of change or something uncomfortable, remember to walk through it—jump in! By embracing it, you’re re-channeling the energy towards positive growth. When you emerge on the other side, not matter what the outcome, you’ll feel better about yourself for having went through it.

photo credit: andyrobe

UPDATE: I plan to post (hopefully) one more post sometime next week before I leave for vacation on June 13^th. My wife and I are traveling to Curacao for a week for some R&R and diving. It’s going to sort of be our honeymoon (even though we got married on Kauai and celebration for finishing my Masters degree.

I also wanted to welcome anyone who would like me to cover certain topics, feel free to email me with any suggestions! I’ll write about anything dealing with emotional growth, spirituality, life, etc.. And honestly, no matter what the topic, I can generally relate it to something spiritual or having to do with personal growth.

Take care and thanks for stopping by!

The Secret About: Change and Spiritual Growth is a post from: How To Be Happy
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Most fear is an illusion. False Evidence Appearing Real. The things that I fear are created in my mind. Most often, they are based in fear of loosing something I have, or not getting something I think I want. I stress the word think here… more often than not, what I want is not what I need. In learning how to be happy, it’s important to be able to determine the difference.

Fear knocked at the door and faith answered. No one was there.
-Old English Proverb

Fear is natural, it is meant to keep me safe. The majority of times, however, my fear is unjustified. Why? Because I fear something that has not, or may not even happen. Which is a valuable tool and lesson I learned when getting over my fear of public speaking. The fear may be based on a past experience that I’m projecting as the possible outcome of a current one. Due to unrealistic expectations, I feared the outcome because it was not what I wanted. Or at least thought I wanted… but it has always been what I needed. I just have to let it take me to where I’m supposed to be.

I have learned to be grateful for everything that has happened in my life. Everything, the good and bad, has contributed to who I am today. So when fear creeps up on me, I remind myself that I don’t always know what is best for me. I have faith that whatever the outcome, I can learn and grow from it.

Lack of faith and control is the cause of my fear.

So to eliminate fear, I need faith and control. That sounds good… I’ll take some of that!

Faith

When I’m living in the moment, little faith is needed. This moment is exactly what it is, no expectations, just is. Experience it, allow it to be, allow it to teach.

A definition of Faith from Webster’s:
1): firm belief in something for which there is no proof

I certainly have no proof of anything in the future. What I do have, is experience. The experience, that if I pay attention to what I’m doing right now—do the best I can in this moment and be the best human being I can be—my life is more fulfilling. I know from experience that if I help someone else, as opposed to doing something selfish, I’ll feel better about myself. I know from experience that when I do the best I can, the outcome is more acceptable, whatever it may be. By doing the best I can in each moment, I am less invested emotionally in the outcome because I have faith it will work out. So I do have faith. Faith that if I take the right action in this moment, something I have no proof of—the future—will work out the way its supposed to.

Ok, so faith… I got some of that now, what about control?

Control

Sometimes I hate dislike the saying “I have no control over people places and things.” That makes me sound like a victim. Things happen in the world around me, not to me. The key to control is, again, staying in the moment, or harnessing the power of now—are you seeing a theme here? This moment is where my actions count, the actions that create my future. So I do have some control. I have control over a lot of things actually.

An example: I’m minding my own “moment” while waiting at a red light. In front of me is a man talking on his cell phone. I’m thinking of how dangerous cell phones are while driving when the light changes to green. The gentleman continues his conversation without noticing the light has changed. I feel a little swell of anger. Now I’m “in tune” with this feeling, I’m in the moment and aware of my surroundings. So instead of anger, I switch to gratitude. I’m grateful for even having a car and home to drive to… heck I’m grateful I have two arms to hold this steering wheel! I gently honk my horn, the man waves and drives forward. I’m happy to be on my way and into the next moment.

I have control over my reaction to situations, which has an impact on my future. Suppose I would have gotten angry, yelled at the guy and flipped him off. Drove home in a fit of anger and pretty much wasted a good 30 minutes if not the entire evening. Not only did I create more misery, I missed every single moment while consumed with anger. At that point, I have lost control.

When I am in the moment, I am in reality and not creating fear out of some illusion. So to eliminate fear, stay in the moment.

Good Resources on Fear

#1. The Linden Method. Proven technique to eliminate Fear, Anxiety, Panic Attacks, OCD & Phobias

#2. OK, now I have a special treat for you, Guy Finley is an amazing spiritual and life learning teacher. I have included this great audio program from him titled A Whole Life is a Fearless Life.
(.mp3 will open in a new window – listen time is approx. 10 min)
A Whole Life is a Fearless Life – Guy Finley

If you haven’t heard of Guy Finley, you should check him out. His non-profit Life of Learning Foundation has some amazing programs and he is an great speaker. His series Secrets of Being Unstoppable really can change your life. He teaches about the “fundamental laws in the universe that govern the workings of all things.” And how you can learn “to harness the immense power of these laws to supercharge your productivity, creativity, and life energy; deepen relationships with your spouse, friends, and family; banish all forms of limitation, negativity, fear, and stress; and realize a permanent success far beyond your imagination.”

I know, it really sounds like the Holy Grail of self-improvement, and I don’t endorse just anyone; but I’ve been a fan of Guy’s for a few years now and love watching his videos and listening to his pod-casts.

I encourage you to check out his Secrets of Being Unstoppable series. Or better yet, sign up for his free Be Fearless Starter Kit.

Additionally, I would encourage you to check out the best books on Amazon dealing with fear.

post photo credit: Guille.

How to eliminate fear is a post from: How To Be Happy
Don't forget to sign up for my newsletter to receive my free eBook "How To Be Happy Now!" CLICK HERE to sign up!

The above picture is a note my mother attached to my luggage as a kid before I went away on my first big trip (which happened to be to the USSR). It has special meaning to me and she sent it to me in the mail yesterday.

Three years ago today (March 12, 2006) was a dark day for me yet a turning point in my life. It was the day I left behind my perception of the world and my place in it. After a failed marriage, a job I resented, and a friend who had recently passed away, I was depressed and overwhelmed with life. From a loft apartment in downtown Kansas City I would make my final stand. With money in the bank and a liquor store three blocks away, I was in heaven, and hell. This is how I remember those last few days.

Eight hundred pounds, my body, my soul, weighs eight hundred pounds. For days, I have been laying here on this futon, alone in this loft, too weak to walk or eat much. The booze has stopped working. The empty bottles are a reminder of what is left of my soul, emptiness. Every warm drop of life sucked out of them. I remember hearing that personal hygiene is one of the first things to go as we totally lose control and go insane. For the last few days, I have forced myself to crawl the twenty feet to the bathtub. Not any more, I don’t care. My fingernails are long, I used to hate that.

There is a pipe running through my loft about ten feet from the floor. The paint is chipped and peeling. The smooth outer shell that once hid its cold hard underneath, enabling it to blend in with its surroundings, is falling away. In the corner, a half-built entertainment center, my 32″ Hi-Def TV sits on the floor. Next to it, a pair of Monster Cables, I will use those to hang myself from the pipe. How fitting to kill the monster I have become inside. It’s going to be epic; my story will touch the lives of others and give them the strength I lack. Maybe I should get a video camera and film my own demise… I’ll be famous. Who am I kidding, I’m too weak to even walk two blocks to the liquor store and my car has two flat tires and tags that have been expired for a year and half. I would never make it.

Strewn about the loft is evidence of my last days here. Several dozen empty vodka bottles—more hidden in the empty cabinets—as many empty beer bottles, a pile of unpaid bills, dirty clothes, sunflower seeds, and one of those single sandwich grills where I cook frozen hamburger patties to force-feed myself. A blanket covers the window, making it hard to distinguish night from day. Paranoia insisted I cover the peephole in the door and pillows line the small closet where I spend most daylight hours in case someone tries to enter. On the street below, iron sheets cover holes in the street—unfinished work to be done. Cars passing randomly, “thump-thump,” add to my paranoia. Was someone knocking? From my latest count, there are 530 bricks along the north wall. That can’t be right, it’s a big wall. I loose concentration. I am going crazy.

Growing up my mother would say, “The greatest gift a child can give is that their parents they outlive.” She hasn’t come to see me. My father came last week to see how I was doing. He left with tears in his eyes when I told him everything was going to be OK, his response, “its not OK son.” My parents live about an hour away. For my father to come to the “big city” says a lot. I don’t think he has ever been here before. I wonder how he found me. A cousin of mine came by too, as well as some friends; I sent them all away. Even the police responding to a call about my well-being; the a-holes thought I was on meth—geesh, can’t they tell a drunk and crazy man when they see one? As with everyone, I sent them away, “I’m fine.” But not before thanking them and telling them everything was going to be OK, that this was my decision and I’m OK with it. I was concerned for their conscience, that it be void of any regrets that they didn’t try something. Although my mother hasn’t come, she’s been praying for me. I know her. She knows there’s nothing she can do for me but pray. I did promise her that I would call everyday to let her know I’m OK. The calls stopped but I try to send an email each day. The days have run together so I’m not sure when the last email was sent. The voice mail on my cell phone is full. It hurts too much to listen to the messages.

My sister hasn’t come by anymore either, although I have talked to her on the phone, I think. Or was that an email? She does not feel sorry for me, and I know she is not coming to save me this time. She told me so the last time we had contact. “I don’t feel sorry for you and I won’t come save you, but if you choose ‘life’, call me and I’ll be there.”

I have a niece; she must be almost seven months old now. I wonder what her face looks like. I bet she smells of life, innocence, happiness and freedom. I wish I were innocent. I was not there when she was born. I was isolating in another place away from her world. The only place I have ever really known, and really hate. I hate that this place of isolation has become more comfortable than failing as the person I want to be. I treat loneliness with isolation, I am sick. I wanted to be a good uncle, a great uncle. I always had the best of intentions and always wanted to be there for my family and my ex-wife. She let me go; she knew I was sick.

About a week ago I tied a belt around a vertical pipe that runs from the floor to the ceiling along the West wall. I know people in jail use belts to hang themselves. I look at it again, knowing I’m too weak to stand on anything or reach the pipe overhead to use the Monster Cables. STOP, just stop. My head will not stop playing the images of the man I never was and have always wanted to be. That man is too far now—unreachable. I want to die. The prayers of getting robbed and shot on the way to the liquor store didn’t work. Sleeping under the bridge to attract a would-be killer didn’t work. The prayers of getting cancer so I can die with some dignity didn’t work. Alcohol isn’t working now either, causing my entire body to wretch in convulsion as it touches my lips. My mouth tastes like metal, cold iron.

War Games; my mind is eating itself again. Global Thermal Nuclear War or Checkers, life with or without alcohol; regardless it’s still got “me” in it and there’s no way to win at this game. I just want it to stop, the regret, the guilt, the loneliness—me. I wish my head would stop spinning with thoughts and images folding in on themselves. Liquor, work, anything used to stop the brain eating, not anymore. Now what? I have two choices, kill myself, or try life again. Killing me would be easy, I hope. Living is hard, I know.

I hear my mother, “the greatest gift a child can give is that their parents they outlive.” Does my phone still work? I tried using it a few days ago to order some food, but I couldn’t dial, my brain refused to stop eating itself long enough to put the numbers in the right sequence. I want to die, I’m so so tired. I’m just tired. My mother… God what I’ve put her through.

Speed dial, my sister is number 1 on speed dial; she’s a few miles away. I hit the number 1 on my cell phone, she answers, and I say “I’m at that point. I can’t do it anymore. Come get me.”

I chose life.

Eight hundred pounds. My sister helps me carry my eight hundred pound soul out of the loft. She sits next to me all night as I lay in her stepson’s bed. I tell her I don’t love myself. She tells me she does. That she can love me enough until I can love myself. She sits with me with her hand on my forehead; I feel a hundred pounds lift. The DT’s and night terrors start. I concentrate on the toddler clothes hanging in the closet. I notice the little hangers holding little clothes that keep little bodies warm. The bedroom smells of children—life, innocence, happiness and freedom. God what I wouldn’t give to be that innocent again

The next day my sister drives me to a treatment center I’ve visited before. I love these people, they never gave up on me. I’m scared but I chose life. Seven hundred pounds, my soul weighs seven hundred pounds.

For the last 1,095 days, I have awakened each morning and chosen life. I pray each morning when I wake and again at night before going to bed. Each day I concentrate on three things: trust God, clean house (morally), and help others. Today I am closer to being the man I always thought I could be. My soul has been lifted from a weight that once pulled me to the depths of hell to one of lofty spirit. And for that I am grateful. But that’s just today and tomorrow I start all over. And for that too I am grateful.

Click here to listen to a song I wrote about the experience.

The Greatest Gift is a post from: How To Be Happy
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For years I resisted change. If it was uncomfortable, I avoided it. After all, it was all about me.

Two rationalizations I made often:

I’m shy
I work better alone

Here’s how I see these two rationalizations today:

I’m shy

I was making everything about me, how about getting outside of myself for a minute and see where I can be of service to others. Take the elevator instead of the stairs. I wasn’t shy, I just didn’t want to have to hear about anyone else’s problems. I was selfish and self-centered (although I didn’t know it at the time).

I work better alone

I didn’t want to ask for help or depend on anyone; especially not about how to be happy. So I taught myself how to do everything. Or maybe it was just my ego not wanting anyone else to know more than me. Either way, it kept me apart from as opposed to a part of.

Today if something feels uncomfortable, I realize it’s probably an area in which I have room to grow. The overall result is after going through it, I inevitably find myself with more happiness.

If it’s uncomfortable, I should probably be doing it is a post from: How To Be Happy
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