In this episode of the How to Be Happy Podcast, Emily and I discuss death. But before you make a decision on how morbid this sounds, have a listen.

Some topics you’ll hear in this episode:

Dealing with Death

• What to say to others then they’ve experienced a loss.
• We share about our personal experiences with death of loved ones.
• The reality of facing our own mortality.
• Although tragic, death can also be beautiful
• Does everything happen for a reason?
• Is there anything on your bucket list?

Being of service

• Thinking about what you can bring to a situation/relationship as opposed to what’s in it for me?

Groundhog Day? (yes we talk about the weather)

Reminding ourselves to stay in the moment, even when looking forward to something in the future.

We get back to the topic of death and about allowing people to reach out to you when you’re going through something difficult.

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HTBH Podcast 004 – Coping with Death is a post from: How To Be Happy
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Welcome to the How to Be Happy Podcast Episode #3. In this session Emily and I talk about nurturing relationships.

Some topics you’ll hear in this episode:

Keeping the Love (relationship) Alive

• In the early part of a relationship, it’s easier to be physical than emotional. Physical interaction is an easy way to say, “Hey, I’m really digging you!”
• As the relationship matures, you still show love in other ways
• Things to do For Him: Emily give’s a shout out to the “ladies at the Starbucks of Summit Fair, Lee’s Summit, MO where she was asked about loving things to do for your husband
• Leaving love notes (maybe in your husbands coat pocket)
• Emily mentions doing things like folding a wash clothe nice or a chocolate under the pillow like you would see in a five star hotel
• Letting him know it’s OK to enjoy himself and relax
• Things to do For Her:
• The obvious ones, flowers (for no reason)
• We talk a little bit about orchids. Each has its own love language like people sometimes
• Find out what they “dig” – Pay attention
• Just be kind
• Leave notes
• Jared’s a PC, Emily is a MAC and we make it work just fine
• Date Night
• Schedule time when it’s just the two of you
• Communication is always key
• Spontaneity
• Be willing to be spontaneous
• Although communicate, some people like to be mentally prepared, like when they have an expectation
• We talk a little bit about traveling and how Jared used to schedule everything. And how it’s more important now to “wear life like a loose garment” and go with the flow
• Decide “how big of a deal is it” if we decide to go do something else  – other than what we expected
• We share a story about our first trip together to St. Croix. Expectations and that we can decide, are we going to be part of the problem, or the solution? And Jared get’s sprayed by ants in the Jeep

Alone Time

• Keeping Self Image – Independence
• Waiting on your spouse to get read – don’t rush them
• Hobbies
• Having alone time is good – then you have something to share with each other later

Friends

• Circle of Friends – How much investment do you point in a relationship that’s not positive?
• Hanging out with People Who Inspire You
• Investing in Relationships

Family

• Family is important but we can still surround ourselves with people that inspire us
• Love more by caring less

Some items reference or mentioned in this episode:

• “How do you get your nearest and dearest to change their behavior? Simple: Stop giving a damn what they do, says Martha Beck.” Martha Beck’s How to Love More by Caring Less in Oprah Magazine.
• St. Croix
• Flowers

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HTBH Podcast 003 – Nurturing Relationships is a post from: How To Be Happy
Don't forget to sign up for my newsletter to receive my free eBook "How To Be Happy Now!" CLICK HERE to sign up!

It’s easy to take for granted the closeness and physical presence of loved ones in our lives. Their smell, the emotions they bring out in us, or the energy they bring when entering a room. It’s an amazing thing; the physical presence of another human which you’ve shared a large part of your life with. The realization that a parent, child, or friend may not always be there is hard to imagine… until they’re not there anymore. Death is so final.

This is going to sound bad… OK, it is bad, but it’s just a thought. When I went through a tough break up many years ago I remember thinking it would be easier if the other person had died suddenly. I know it’s horrible to think. Yet I know I’m not that unique. If they died, I wouldn’t have to accept the idea they were living their lives content, without me. I could move on. That was the first time in my life I felt utterly helpless, hopeless, out of control; an emotion that logic, commitment, and hard work could not maneuver past. The result was a pain I had no idea how to deal with—so I went back to the only thing I knew how to do, isolate and drink. Behavior which only re-enforced the wall of impossibility at finding a spiritual solution to any problem. Like the saying, “only an alcoholic treats loneliness with isolation.”

Locked up within ourselves is a horrible place to be as our ego tells us just how special we are. Just as long as I remained in the shadows of ego and terminal uniqueness would I be blocked from the sunlight of the spirit. The answer to all my problems was acceptance and surrender. Acceptance of my fatal situation and surrendering to the idea that someone or something could help me. What I have discovered is the sunlight of the spirit will always keep me warm, the universe prefers to conspire in my favor, and I will never be alone. To receive all of this, I was only to do one thing; ask for help.

Just ask. Amazing… it seems so simple now; yet in the throws of depression, disease, and self-martyrdom, asking for help, seeking a lifeline at any cost is often no more logical than stamping out the sun.

Not being a licensed psychiatrist, I have no lengthy diagnosis as to why asking for help never really seemed like a solution. Could be—most likely is—I didn’t want help. At least not until the pain was too unbearable. It’s a tough position to be in; more afraid of living the way you are than dying. Today I appreciate the logic in the idea that you “can’t fix a broken thinker with a broken thinker.”

“We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.”
-Albert Einstein

I think asking for help is difficult for most people. Needing help suggests you don’t know something which in turn may cause you to look stupid. This is just dumb. Asking for help is the first step in ego deflation and humility—not to be confused with laziness. Spiritual growth allows us to see ourselves as no less or greater than those around us; thus asking for help is not such a difficult task. Better yet, in asking we’re giving someone or something the gift of giving.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
-Eleanor Roosevelt

The next time you feel lost (physically, emotionally, spiritually) just ask for help. It doesn’t matter who or what you ask, just ask. If you don’t ask, there is absolutely zero possibility that someone or something will answer. What do you have to loose?

I considered the difficulty of asking for help was a reflection of childhood. This brings up thoughts of my father. My step-son and his wife gave me a book this year for my birthday, Sh*t My Dad Says (Amazon). I haven’t read it yet, but will as soon as I’m finished reading the Charlaine Harris Sookie Stackhouse (Amazon) series. Yes, I’m reading those and love them! Back to the topic..

My dad did say some pretty funny stuff, although I don’t remember enough to fill up a book. I wish now I’d paid better attention.

There are only a few things I remember my father saying that stuck with me all these years:

• One day my dad and I were in the backyard together, I must have been a Sophomore or Junior because I was contemplating my future after high school. I asked my dad what he learned in the Army and if I should join the military, his response, “If a Huey crash landed in the backyard right now, I could fix it.”
• When you live on a farm going into town is a big deal. I couldn’t wait to see what cool new gadgets and toys they had at the local hardware/department store. After a routine trip into town with mom, I returned with a brand new pellet gun; the Marksman 1010 Pistol. I was so excited to show my dad, who was sitting out by the garage working on something I’m sure. Excitedly I sat one of his beer cans out about 10 feet from where he was sitting, aimed, and… missed. He looked at me and said, “Hell son, I can run faster than that.” What a buzz kill.
• When I was about 12 I really wanted a job, don’t ask me why! My father said, “son, you’re going to be working for the rest of your life, I suggest you enjoy not working as long as you can.”

Thinking about that starts the tightness in my throat. I think of the article Today Could Be Your Last Chance; Make it Count!, and that my father worked so freaking hard his entire life only to retire and die a few years later. That’s my jaded side.

I prefer to feed the part of me that realizes there’s more to life than work. I want to be known for helping people. My father wanted to be known as a good provider, hard working, and dependable. He certainly was all those things. At least I’m assuming that’s what he wanted to be known for; unfortunately we never really had that conversation. His actions sure supported those ideals. He once told my sister he was only late to work twice in his life; once due to a flat tire and the second time because he had to pick up a co-worker at the last minute. I feel for whoever that co-worker was. I’m laughing… he seemed so rigid sometimes yet had the softness heart. At least that’s the way I remember him, which is all that matters.

I’m not sure how good of a father figure my dad was for me growing up; he must have done something right because most people seem to think I turned out OK as a man. Yet I’m not sure my father is what I miss. I miss the funny character, the history we shared together, the things he only told my mother who later shared with me; like how proud of me he was.

I miss my dad

I miss dad’s physical presence
I miss dad’s smell
I miss dad’s hands
I miss dad’s balding head
I miss dad’s laugh
I miss the disgruntled way dad looked when he was
woken from a nap
I miss dad reminding me to pay my bills on time
I miss dad’s amusing cantankerous nature
I miss the way my dad would grunt when he stood from
all the years of hard work
I miss how the older dad got, the more we talked on the phone
I miss the many ways dad said I love you without ever saying it
I miss the scar on my dads thumb and the story about
the doctor stitching it up
I miss the surprisingly witty side of dad as he got older

I’m grateful for having a dad and all the experiences to miss. My dad was simple, loving, hard working, and dependable. He was always there. Until he wasn’t.

Yes, death is final. But only in the physical sense. Oddly I think about my father more now—the significance he had in my life and all the great things he stood for. Sure I wish I could touch him, hug him, and all the things that come with being physically present with someone. Yet I also see the beauty of life around me more than ever and feel his presence in memories and thoughts. I am different than I was before he passed away. Something ended so something else could begin. The beauty is there if you look, if you ask.

In the end, all that remain are memories. Fleeting recollections of a moment, ignorant of their significance, created as we experience life with those around us. Experiences that pass like fireflies; simple and beautiful and seemingly less significant until the reality of their absence becomes apparent from the darkness.

When you’re gone, what experiences and memories do you want your loved ones to miss?

Photo Credit: caese

The Finality of Death, the Miracle of Asking, and Missing My Dad is a post from: How To Be Happy
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NOTE: I wrote this article on July 11th, 2010  prior to Goodbye for now, Dad

I remember the surgeon saying, “it’s not good, it is cancer and most likely originated in the lungs…” meaning it has metastasized throughout his body. “All we can do now is pray the Lord has mercy and he doesn’t suffer long.” The following 10 days felt as if I was watching a sad movie. On July 6th my father passed away.

This morning in the shower I was thinking about the moment I heard the surgeon tell us the bad news. It was as if I left my body and God pulled me beside him, with his arm around me, and we have been watching this entire thing together. Then the words came to my consciousness, “it’s OK Jared, I’ll take care of him.” And I wept… no, I wailed. I wailed till I couldn’t catch my breath and wondered if the neighbors could hear me. In that moment I felt the presence of God more than I have in a long time. The term “more will be revealed later” become a personal experience.

The last few days it’s like a piece of me is missing. Although deep down I know everything is OK, there is a small void. In that moment in the shower I realized it’s OK to have this void—the missing puzzle piece—and it has a purpose. I felt that God has it in his hand, is smoothing the edges and will snap it back in when I am ready—and the realization that it will never be back in place totally. Or maybe just a different color… yes, let’s go with that since I don’t like the idea of not being whole.

I’ve been weeping in my dreams, unable to catch my breath and I wake up. My dreams aren’t about my father so much, but there is definitely a sad overtone. I’m not big on dream interpretation—at least not mine—I have enough trouble figuring things out when I’m awake.

I’m reminded of the saying, idea, belief… whatever, that God will only give us as much as we can handle. Whether it’s a spiritual experience or our mind’s way of dealing with intense emotional states, we are only given as much as we can handle at any given moment. Or maybe that’s called shock, I’m not sure. Like when my mother called me the night he passed away and I could hear the paramedics in the background asking questions, I just started shaking. It was weird, I wasn’t cold, I was just shaking and started sort of walking around in a daze. A daze which remained until today in the shower.

Even though a piece of me is missing—again—I know it has a purpose. That I have a choice; to let it take me to where I’m supposed to be and not just where I’ve ended up.

He Knows How Much We Can Bear (Clara Ward)
We are our heavenly father’s children
And we all know that He loves us one and all
Yet there are times we find the answer
Another’s voice and call
If we are willing the Lord will teach us
His voice only to obey no matter where
For He knows I’m so glad God knows
Knows just how much we can bear

Oh, although, though your load, your load may get heavy
You’re never left alone to bear it all
Just ask God for strength and keep on toiling
Although the teardrops fall
You’ll have the joy of my God’s assurance
The heavenly Father will always answer prayer
For He knows ya I’m so glad God knows
Just how much we can bear

photo credit: loswl

He Knows Just How Much We Can Bear is a post from: How To Be Happy
Don't forget to sign up for my newsletter to receive my free eBook "How To Be Happy Now!" CLICK HERE to sign up!

NOTE: I wrote this article on June 27th, 2010  prior to Goodbye for now, Dad

As many of you know, I’ve been through some shyt in my life. Of which I have come out on the other side full of inner-peace and happiness. Thus the tag line matching calamity with serenity: the ability to maintain inner-peace and serenity regardless of life’s circumstances.

This is where the rubber hits the road.

June 26th, 1:30 P.M.
I’m sitting next to my mother on a small couch as we wait for the surgeon. We’ve arranged the chairs in a semi-circle with my aunt, uncle, wife, and mother facing the empty chair where the surgeon will sit. Where he will explain the results of a biopsy they did of a lump on my fathers neck. I already know the results. The day before they found 5 tumors in his brain. Cancer. Logic tells me that’s not where it originated.

The surgeon comes in and sits down, he starts to explain the bad news. I watch his lips move and hear his voice and understand what he’s saying, but I’m not in my own body anymore. I’ve seen this movie before, it’s a sad one. Yet for some reason, no tears seem to come. I hear my mother say, “it’s in God’s hands now.” I think to myself, “it’s always been in God’s hands.” The thought brings some peace to my heart in the moment. I love my mother so much. We’re so alike. After the surgeon leaves I hear “it’s OK to break down now” as everyone else seems to let go of their emotions. I just sit there, watching… I’ve seen this movie before.

My mother and I walk next to my father as he’s wheeled back to his room. Still a little groggy from surgery, he asks “is it cancer?” I look him in the eye and answer “yes it is.” As of this writing we know the cancer originated in the lungs, that it is incurable, and that they are reviewing treatment options. The rest of this story is yet to be written.

I’ve cried some and reflected a lot the last few days. I love my dad and I know he loves me. The reality is, we’re all dying. Most of us just assume it will be later rather than sooner. None of us really know; so make each moment count. I haven’t cried that much, not as much as one would think. But then I realize he’s still here and I can talk to him on the phone anytime I want. Plus my parents only live an hour and a half away; I’m lucky.

These are the moments I’ll reflect on in the years to come. Did I do the right thing or is there anything I would have done differently? The gift is to be emotionally present and feel the diverse emotions entirely. At times I do feel a little numb or that I’m watching a sad movie, yet I am grateful for the ability to feel emotions at all. And again, I’m reminded that we’re all dying and that all my family members are still alive.

One priceless gift I’ve learned through my spiritual journey—especially now—is the ability to recognize the important moments in life: All of them.

I know deep inside that everything is going to be OK. I’m able to maintain a sense of inner-peace and serenity for the most part. There are short periods of time when I feel lost, gloomy, or confused emotionally. It’s at these times that I pray and meditate more, stay connected with my support group and remind myself this too shall pass. I know at times it’s really going to suck; although I can remind myself that right now in this moment, everything is OK.

This is the moment I’ve been training for; I just hope I’m ready coach.

Spiritual Training and Finding Peace in the Midst of Chaos

Law enforcement, fireman, military, medical professionals, etc., are subjected to intense physical and mental training. The goal is that when the time comes for them to perform, they intuitively know how to react in a way which may save the lives of their fellows or themselves.

Likewise, by putting deposits into our spiritual bank account we’re hoping to have something to draw upon when the crap hits the fan. As long as we’re breathing there’s crap out there just looking for a fan. Thus the importance and practicality of prayer and meditation. It truly is a way to help us become prepared for times of conflict within ourselves and the world around us.

Some may refer to this as being a “spiritual warrior.” I’ve decided I really don’t like that term; it’s a contradiction. The roots of my spiritual growth are love and forgiveness which doesn’t really jive with the word warrior.

Chaos can be anything that doesn’t fit into the little box we consider to be our manageable life. Maybe it’s emotions we’re not used to feeling or a change in our environment, career, or relationship. Whatever the chaos may be, there can be inner-peace since our happiness and serenity are not contingent on external sources or circumstances. This serenity can get thrown off for a short period of time when we’re faced with new emotions and/or challenges, but if we’ve done the work, we fall back on our training and intuitively know what to do.

It’s OK to fall apart; yet sometimes we need others to remind us of that. However, I don’t want to force emotions which aren’t quite there yet. Maybe I’m in shock, maybe I’m just grateful for the time I do get to spend with my dad. I just know that whatever I’m feeling in each moment, that’s OK and I need to feel it.

Emotions are neither good or bad, they’re just emotions. If you’re feeling a certain way (emotion), then it’s valid; never let anyone tell you otherwise. “You shouldn’t feel that way” is like telling a river it shouldn’t flow towards the sea. The key is learning how to identify the underlying cause. In most cases, the cause is fear stemming from the perception that we’re lacking love in some way; either of ourselves or from others.

If our spiritual training is routine, comfortable, and ingrained, it can provide us some security and comfort (peace) during stressful times. Others from outside may wonder why you’re not a wreck, or you may watch others become basket cases. Yet by falling apart, I’m making it all about me aren’t I? I don’t know, I get confused sometimes on what I should be feeling… I know, I just said emotions are neither good or bad right?

One realization I did have is it’s not my job to make my father right with God and his place in the world. That’s his job. My job is to be a son. A light of sunshine and life when others only see sadness. Although I must allow others to deal with the process the best they know how. As my good friend said, “death is both a sad and a beautiful process.” I can see that now, but we’ll see where I’m at in a few months.

Thanks for stopping by.

photo credit: h.koppdelaney

Matching Calamity with Serenity: Spiritual Training and Finding Peace in the Midst of Chaos is a post from: How To Be Happy
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Dad and me running on the beach, Florida 1980

On June 26th my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Yesterday, on July 6th, 2010, he passed away.

I had been working on several posts talking about what I’ve experienced emotionally and spiritually over the last 10 days, things like Matching Calamity with Serenity, Fear, Sadness, Grace, Inner-Peace and Gratitude. However, since so much has happened over the last few weeks and days, I’ve decided to post them at a later date while keeping them in the context they were originally written—or something like that.

Over the years—as a result of my spiritual growth—I’ve had the opportunity to learn more about my father through changes in myself. I’m thankful to have spent some time with him on Monday the 5th and was reminded of his kindness, humor, and dedication to his family and the love that surrounds us all.

As I’m still somewhat in shock, I do feel an inner-peace that everything is right with the world. Losing someone we love dearly can be tragic and sad, yet if we let it, can be a beautiful thing. Although right now it’s hard to put in words anything beautiful about it. But I’ll try…

Today my wife, mother, sister, 4 year old niece, and I were looking through photos to show at the funeral service. My sister had explained to my niece what had happened and as we were looking through photos she said, “it’s too bad grandpa died, but it’s great that we have pictures of him.” That’s beautiful I think. I’m so grateful I have memories of a loving father and a great man.

Right now it’s the little things that are huge, things like seeing his watch and socks still sitting where they were yesterday; knowing he’ll never be putting them on again.

I’m not sure when I’ll get to posting the before mentioned articles; but here are a few articles I’ve written in the past about my dad and relevant topics:

Today Could be Your Last Chance; Make it Count! (Jan 18th, 2010)

Learning My Fathers Love Language (May 27th, 2009)

Where I’m Supposed To Be (Jan 20th, 2009)

Does Everything Really Happy for a Reason? (March 29th, 2010)

Matching Calamity with Serenity: Finding Peace in the Midst of Chaos (June 27th, 2010)

Goodbye For Now, Dad is a post from: How To Be Happy
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Have you told the people in your life how much they mean to you recently? We all know this is important, but do we really take the time to connect with them on an emotional level and tell them how much they mean to us? Some family members may be uncomfortable with heartfelt discussions, but when they’re gone, baby they’re gone.

Shortly after I was born, my father built us a home with his own hands just outside the city where he worked construction. However, deep inside he’d always dreamed of owning and running a farm. I think he liked the idea of working for himself and the freedom it brings. Of his generation, the greatest compliment was “he’s a hard worker,” and that was/is my dad; a hard worker. I think he realized if he worked as hard for himself as he did for “the man,” he was sure to succeed.

Shortly after my fifth birthday, we packed up everything and moved to a farm house ten miles outside a small town in East Central Kansas; the four of us and 80 acres. What I remember most about the house; bitter cold. Winter would often find my older sister and me sleeping in the dining room around the wood burning stove. My mother would heat bricks on the stove, wrap them in towels, and put them in the bottom of our sleeping bags. She was so thrifty; still is.

I have memories of my fathers rear-end in the air with his head submerged under the floor thawing pipes with a blow torch. To this day the smell of a blow torch on copper takes me back to those times… more of the cold house than of my father’s ass. Vice-Grips made nice handles for the bathtub faucet. And when the pipes were frozen, steaming water was brought from the stove-top for our bath. My father fixed the house as much as he could, but time was limited as he continued working a full-time construction job 60 miles away (at minimum) and farmed nights and weekends. Our farm had cattle, chickens, a few pigs, and always a sea of swaying wheat or soybeans just outside our kitchen window.

I realize now what it must have felt like for my father; looking out the kitchen window every day to see his dream right there in front of him. Honestly, I doubt he took the time to enjoy it. I hope he did. We might not have had everything we wanted, but we always had everything we needed. I can’t really remember wanting much. I think there was a correlation between the big dreams of my father and my imagination of all things possible growing up on a farm. One day I was John Wayne riding my sorrel gelding Dollar (Shetland pony) across the range; the next day I was Larry Bird making the winning shot against Magic Johnson (my sister) in Boston Gardens (hay loft). There is never a shortage of things to do growing up on a farm.

Our Farm Auction 1984

Farming was difficult during those times, it was the era of small farmers losing everything; you either had to go big or go home. After years of blood and sweat, the day came when my father decided it was best to sell the farm and move into town when I was 14. It was odd watching all our stuff going to the lowest highest bidder. I heard my father say once that selling our new house and moving to that farm was the biggest mistake he ever made. I disagree; and I had a chance to tell him that a few years ago. I’m glad I did, and I think I’ll remind him next time I see him.

It’s a testament to my parents’ love towards my sister and I that made us feel safe and warm; always. Oddly, not until a few years ago when my sister and I were talking about our childhood, did we realize how cold and run down that old farm house was. We laugh now about the cold winters and vice-grip handles. Home really is where the heart is.

When I was around 12 years old I wanted to get a job, my father’s advice; “son, you’re going to be working for the rest of your life, enjoy not having to work as long as you can.” He was right; he recently retired.

Dad if you’re reading this, I hope you take the time to look around and realize anything is possible; that you followed a dream and worked hard and provided well. Today is a gift dad and I love you. Now take a break, you deserve it.

Dad and me running on the beach, Florida 1980

We may not always have the opportunity to tell the ones we love how much they mean to us; it’s important to let them know as often as you can. I’ve had the privilege over the years of learning my fathers love language, and for that I am grateful.

As you share your feelings with those you love, try and be specific. I think this is important. It’s not the definition of a word that gives it meaning, but the heart. Be sincere, specific, and make it count! You never know, it could be the last time you see them.

I’ll close with a song I wrote a few years ago. And as always, comments (below) are welcome!

The Present
Music and Lyrics By: Jared Akers 11/2007

I heard a song the other day
And thoughts of you drift my way
Of times we shared and things you said
And all the things that we never did

We could always pass the time
Talking about the way things used to be
Sometimes we just sat and cried
And let the tragic past float by on the breeze

[CHORUS]
Life Happens when you’re waiting for a change
Sittin’ in the past, searching for blame
Life happens when you don’t know what to say
Did you catch that game, so do you think it’ll rain?
So be careful how you spend it
Today is a Gift, thank God for the present

We talked about mistakes we made
Ones betrayed and dreams that fade
You told me of the one’s you missed
And how we got to a place like this

We could always pass the time
Talking about the way things used to be
Sometimes we just sat and cried
And let the tragic past float by on the breeze

[CHORUS]

I’m not sure how hard I tried
To be with you in the end
So I wrote this song to say goodbye
I won’t make that mistake again

[CHORUS]

Today Could Be Your Last Chance; Make it Count! is a post from: How To Be Happy
Don't forget to sign up for my newsletter to receive my free eBook "How To Be Happy Now!" CLICK HERE to sign up!

The smell of turkey roasting in the oven. How wonderful. My wife and I decided to spend most of Thanksgiving day with just ourselves, here at home. It was fun getting up early, just the two of us and making the stuffing (my moms recipe). It was actually the first time I’ve ever really stuffed it inside the bird. We got a 22 lb turkey… seems awful big for just the two of us. My step-son, his wife and our granddaughter will be over later, so we’re cooking up a feast for them and ourselves. Saturday morning we leave for a week vacation in Cozumel so the kids will be staying here all week to consume the leftovers. It worked out well.

Most years we travel to see family, which can sometimes be stressful. This time of year I hear it a lot, how family stresses people out. My family usually gets together for the normal holidays, there’s only about 15 to 20 of us regulars. I come from a small family, just one sibling, so it’s pretty low key. My wife’s family is larger and she has quite a bit of experience and wisdom when it comes to dealing with family. So we put our heads together and came up with a few ideas of how best to handle family members that seem to get under our skin around the holidays.

Avoid It

Maybe avoiding family members who irritate us seems obvious, and to some, selfish; but lets think about it. Remember that you are not responsible for someone else’s feelings. With that said, you should never do something that deliberately hurts someone either. We all have a right to say no.

We often travel to see family over the holidays even when we don’t want to. I know, I know, family is all we really have right? The least we can do is suffer through the resentment and guilt only family members know how to surgically inflict. We hurt the ones we love right?

At what point do we stop trying to improve relationships, family or not, that do not seem to add value or grow in any positive direction? That question really becomes hard when dealing with family. But isn’t family about unconditional love and being there no matter what? I guess I just struggle sometimes with the whole “we should go visit family” mentality when it only causes resentment and anger. Life is too short for things like that. With that said, I am the first one there when a family member really needs me… but then how will I know if they really need me if I don’t work at a relationship with them? Hmmm, seems like a paradox. What do you think?

To some family members, drama is like oxygen. You know the ones who just can’t help themselves? The uncle who constantly brings up the time he bailed you out of jail or that everyone is sure the cousin who moved to California has joined a cult. When the zingers start flying, you have a choice to participate or not. The best way to deal with these situations is come up with a plan!

Have A Plan

Decide before hand how you’re going to handle the uncomfortable situations that always seem to get to you. Talk about your strategy with your spouse or immediate family members. Being prepared is the best way to handle stressful situations with grace and dignity. One of the best ways of diffusing uncomfortable situations is with kindness. If your uncle brings up the time he bailed you out of jail, tell him thanks, and that you really appreciated him being there for you. (and avoid the sarcasm) No, my uncle never bailed me out of jail… not that I wasn’t ever in jail, but it was my dad who had to come get me and now that I think about it, I need to thank him for that.

Remember, your family members know how to push your buttons better than anyone. Be prepared and have a plan.

Be understanding rather than understood

I guess it all really changes when you have children. Which I don’t, but I do have a granddaughter and step-son/daughter, whom I’m beginning to love. It makes me feel good when they want to hang out with us and stop by to visit or stay for dinner. So maybe dealing with family members over the holiday’s has a lot to do with “be understanding rather than understood.” Try and understand where your mother-in-law or parents are coming from when they insist you come to visit. Even if you don’t want to. At the same time, we also need to watch for resentments which only bitter the relationship.

Sometimes we just have to remind ourselves that we’re grown ups and can do what we want. This can be hard when our parents can still push those guilt buttons. A good test is to think about what memories you have or will have of times spent with loved ones. I have many good memories of times spent with my cousins and parents over the holidays, but none with just me and my wife. Until today.

In the end, memories are all we have anyway, so spend time making good ones.

Avoiding Family Drama Over the Holidays is a post from: How To Be Happy
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