I love things that make me think. The ABC TV show, “Brothers & Sisters” is my wife and I’s show. That and the TV series House, which after about a year of watching recorded re-runs I think we’ve almost seen them all.

A few weeks ago on Brothers & Sisters, Nora Walker, the matriarch of the Walker family played by Sally Field, had started her own radio talk show where she gives motherly advice. She made the comment to a caller (which happened to be her daughter Kitty who recently lost her husband) that:

“You have to give up on the life you dreamed of to
find the life that’s waiting for you.”

I’ve been working hard on a book I’m writing about finding happiness (which is why my posts here at How To Be Happy have slowed to a crawl). The topic I’m currently on is surrender. I believe Nora’s comment hits a nice chord on the topic.

Surrender is about letting go, it’s a control thing. By concentrating on wants and desires (which are never satisfied), you miss out on what you need. What you need to be happy and spiritually fit comes from within and can be found in the moment you’re in right now, not the moments you’re dreaming of in the future.

Surrendering can be difficult for one reason; it deals with faith and control.

Lack of faith comes from lack of experience. And lack of experience (in this context) comes from trying to maintain control. You think you surrender something and let it go by acting like you don’t care anymore, yet if you look closely, you’re still emotionally attached to the outcome.

Complete surrender is comprised of two completely separate parts: letting go and turning something over.

Following is a practical exercise to illustrate the difference in letting go and turning something over.

Grab an object like a rock (or anything) and hold it tightly in your hand with your palm facing up. With palm sill facing upwards, open your hand, let go. What happens?

It’s still there.

You may have let it go, but you still haven’t turned it over completely, you still desire control over it or are lacking faith in some sense.

Now, repeat the process, but after you’ve opened your hand, turn your wrist and arm so your palm is facing down. What happens?

The object falls.

Gravity takes over just as the universe and your higher power will when you truly turn something over.

The most difficult part is not bending over to pick it back up; to have faith it’s where it’s supposed to be.

I practice this exercise when I’m having a hard time turning something over. I usually do this in bed if I can’t sleep. I use the thought of what’s bothering me in place of the physical object while extending my arms out in front of me.

“You have to give up on the life you dreamed of
to find the life that’s waiting for you.”

I did not wake up one day with faith. There was a point I became too miserable and had to try something different. I had to let go of EVERYTHING I was holding on to as I realized it was slowly killing me.

There was a tremendous sense of freedom that came with such deep surrender. I remember the moment it happened. I was turning off Metcalf Avenue heading West onto Shawnee Mission Parkway in the town where I live when I heard something on he radio, “Grace is God’s reaction to your action.” It was about 6 months after I’d started my spiritual journey and I had been working hard on myself and my recovery. I knew at that instant I was going to be OK. I knew for the first time I didn’t have to know how my life would turn out. I didn’t have to know what I was going to do for a living, where I was going to live, how I was going to pay my bills, etc. I just knew that if did the next right thing, everything would work out. I gave up on the life I had dreamed of and surrendered to whatever it was that awaited.

The most amazing things happen when you surrender, give up control, and stop fighting. By giving up on the life you dreamed of, you break free of expectation and your limited imagination of what’s possible. You begin to realize the possibility of a life beyond that which you’re even capable of dreaming.

Surrender and Giving up on the Life You Dreamed Of is a post from: How To Be Happy
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On our recent trip to Cozumel I had an interesting experience. On our second day of diving I had an issue with my regulator. The regulator, which consists of multiple parts, is what enables you to breathe underwater. Pretty important.

First a little background.

Up until a few years ago I had never gotten sea sick, but it seems that once I started diving, smaller boats seem to make me a little nauseous. Specifically during surface intervals (SI) (the time on the surface between dives to allow an excess nitrogen release from your body). SI’s are generally spent sitting on a boat or on the way to the next dive site which can be brutal. I’ve spent a few feeding the fish. I’ve tried everything, ginger pills, bonine, etc. but this time I had a prescription for the motion sickness patch you put behind your ear. I got the prescription last summer and tried the patch a few days while at home to make sure it didn’t have any weird effect and it seemed fine. The first day diving in Cozumel I was fine without the patch, the sea was calm and the boat we were on was fairly large. The second day was calling for choppy seas so the night before I put the patch on. In the middle of the night I woke up a little dizzy, the patch was making me feel a little disoriented and nauseous. I know… isn’t it suppose to prevent that? Being a recovered alcoholic, I’m really, really, really careful about taking any medication and never take anything that makes me feel “different.” I don’t like feeling different, I like having a clear head and connected spiritually. So when I woke up a little disoriented I immediately took the patch off.

Upon waking to go diving around 7:30 a.m., I was still a little “off” but after breakfast and a little coffee I was fine. We got on the boat and headed out to the first dive which was scheduled for around 80ft. When traveling, the only SCUBA equipment we bring are our wetsuits, fins, and masks. We rent the rest (BCD and regulators), tanks and weights are always included as part of the dive packages. So basically we rent the most crucial part of breathing under water, the regulator. This is fairly common since carrying all this stuff while traveling can be a pain and most dive shops are good about changing out their equipment and have them serviced regularly. Once on the dive boat, you connect all your gear, turn on your air, put the regulator in your mouth and make sure you can get air out of it. That’s about all you really know at this point about your regulator, that air does come out of it.

For some reason on this trip I decided to wear a 5mm full wetsuit, which is pretty thick for tropical waters, but I don’t like getting cold. The thicker and newer the wetsuit, the more positively buoyant you are thus the more weight you need to descend. I was pretty sure I had enough weight (18 lbs), which worked the day before. So… I (along with the other 6 divers and my wife) get all our gear on and giant stride of the back of the boat into the ocean one after another like penguins. Everyone begins to descend as I’m clearing out and refitting my mask. I release the air from my BC and begin to descend… maybe. I’m not descending as quickly as usual… maybe I don’t have enough weight. No big deal, I’ll just invert a little and kick my way down. As I begin to invert and get farther submerged I notice my regulator isn’t breathing that easily, actually it feels as if there’s a kink in it. I breath a little harder and continue to invert and start kicking. As I do, being almost upside down causes some water to come into my regulator and I sort of choke on it.

OK, this totally freaks me out and I immediately surface. Meanwhile all the other divers are now at about 15 – 20 feet while the dive master (DM) is hanging out to make sure I’m OK. On the surface I explain that my regulator is breathing “funny” as I’m coughing and switching over to my octopus (secondary air source). I’m sort of embarrassed. The DM says OK and begins to descend down to catch up with the other divers. Still coughing I look over at the dive boat floating about 30 feet away as the captain stairs down at me from a rocking boat and asks if everything is OK. I say or motion something like, “I’m not sure.” I think about getting back on the boat and calling it quits. I’m also thinking I feel a little disoriented because of the patch but I’m not sure. I realize that if I do get sick, I’ll be sitting on the boat for the next 45 minutes while the other divers finish their dive. That doesn’t sound attractive either. I’ve learned from experience, that the sooner you get submerged and relax the sickness and nausea will usually go away. All this is going through my head as I reposition my mask and test breathing out of my octopus. Seems to be breathing OK… let’s try this again.

This time I ascend using my octopus as my primary air source and hold onto it with my hand as I invert and begin kicking. My breathing is quickening as the anxiety is still in my head and I’m questioning whether or not I can do this. I’m still close enough to the surface and every part of my body is saying, “Go up, not down!” Besides freaking out, I’m beating myself up for freaking out, I can do this! I remind myself that I have air, everything is alright, just keep kicking. The farther I get from the surface the more I realize that if I get past a certain depth, there’s no going back. I look at my dive computer, 20 feet… keep breathing.

What is it… the NDL (No Decompression Limit)? OH yeah, well since this is my first dive of the day, 60 feet is the maximum no decompression depth I can get to and still do an emergency ascent without exploding my lungs… at least that’s what I’m telling myself. I should have refreshed my dive knowledge on the plane down here. I see my wife with her fingers in the OK sign, asking me if I’m OK. I sign back, “I’m OK” although I’m only partly sure. This dive is to a maximum of 80 feet so I know I’ll be past 60 feet for a while. I look at my dive watch, 45 feet. I can see all the other divers now towards the bottom and what a beautiful view.

God the ocean is so beautiful. Oh yeah, I’m 50 feet underwater and I’m breathing. That’s right, I’m breathing. I have air coming through this hose and into my lungs. I check my air gauge, 2800 PSI, I have plenty of air. I can breath and wow, look at all the fish. 60 feet and the current is starting to take me and I’m catching up to the other divers. I reach my right hand back behind my right hip and feel for the air dump that’s usually found on most BCD’s. Ahh, there it is; I pull it hard to make sure I’ve gotten all the air out of my BCD to help me continue descending. I still have the regulator in my hand holding it firm in my mouth. I think about maybe switching back to my primary and run through the procedure in my mind; take a breath, pull the octopus out of my mouth remembering to slowly blow bubbles while switching regulators (you never hold your breathe while diving, you’re lungs can expand and it’s not good), put the primary in my mouth, purge it, exhale any air left in my lungs and breathe. Wait… this one has air and I’m doing fine, you might inhale some water and you’re just now recovering from freak mode. Leave it alone.

Once I reached about 75 feet and stabilized my buoyancy I began to relax. I knew I was down here for the long-haul now and needed to get a control on my breathing to conserve air. I’m an air-head anyway and am sure my anxiousness used up more than usual on the descent. I don’t want to be the first one low on air, again. So I relax and tell myself I’m OK, that I have air (2500 PSI), and to just breathe normally and let the current do the work. God this is beautiful. I have air, I’m OK.

The dive ended fine and I didn’t have any issues the rest of the week.

Many times in my life I go back to the first days of recovery and remind myself that in any given moment, everything is OK. When life get’s crazy or seemingly too much to handle, sometimes all I can do is stop and remind myself to breathe. I have air and everything is OK. That right now, in this moment, everything is fine.

Although I’m thinking about purchasing my own regulator.

Just Breathe! is a post from: How To Be Happy
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Most fear is an illusion. False Evidence Appearing Real. The things that I fear are created in my mind. Most often, they are based in fear of loosing something I have, or not getting something I think I want. I stress the word think here… more often than not, what I want is not what I need. In learning how to be happy, it’s important to be able to determine the difference.

Fear knocked at the door and faith answered. No one was there.
-Old English Proverb

Fear is natural, it is meant to keep me safe. The majority of times, however, my fear is unjustified. Why? Because I fear something that has not, or may not even happen. Which is a valuable tool and lesson I learned when getting over my fear of public speaking. The fear may be based on a past experience that I’m projecting as the possible outcome of a current one. Due to unrealistic expectations, I feared the outcome because it was not what I wanted. Or at least thought I wanted… but it has always been what I needed. I just have to let it take me to where I’m supposed to be.

I have learned to be grateful for everything that has happened in my life. Everything, the good and bad, has contributed to who I am today. So when fear creeps up on me, I remind myself that I don’t always know what is best for me. I have faith that whatever the outcome, I can learn and grow from it.

Lack of faith and control is the cause of my fear.

So to eliminate fear, I need faith and control. That sounds good… I’ll take some of that!

Faith

When I’m living in the moment, little faith is needed. This moment is exactly what it is, no expectations, just is. Experience it, allow it to be, allow it to teach.

A definition of Faith from Webster’s:
1): firm belief in something for which there is no proof

I certainly have no proof of anything in the future. What I do have, is experience. The experience, that if I pay attention to what I’m doing right now—do the best I can in this moment and be the best human being I can be—my life is more fulfilling. I know from experience that if I help someone else, as opposed to doing something selfish, I’ll feel better about myself. I know from experience that when I do the best I can, the outcome is more acceptable, whatever it may be. By doing the best I can in each moment, I am less invested emotionally in the outcome because I have faith it will work out. So I do have faith. Faith that if I take the right action in this moment, something I have no proof of—the future—will work out the way its supposed to.

Ok, so faith… I got some of that now, what about control?

Control

Sometimes I hate dislike the saying “I have no control over people places and things.” That makes me sound like a victim. Things happen in the world around me, not to me. The key to control is, again, staying in the moment, or harnessing the power of now—are you seeing a theme here? This moment is where my actions count, the actions that create my future. So I do have some control. I have control over a lot of things actually.

An example: I’m minding my own “moment” while waiting at a red light. In front of me is a man talking on his cell phone. I’m thinking of how dangerous cell phones are while driving when the light changes to green. The gentleman continues his conversation without noticing the light has changed. I feel a little swell of anger. Now I’m “in tune” with this feeling, I’m in the moment and aware of my surroundings. So instead of anger, I switch to gratitude. I’m grateful for even having a car and home to drive to… heck I’m grateful I have two arms to hold this steering wheel! I gently honk my horn, the man waves and drives forward. I’m happy to be on my way and into the next moment.

I have control over my reaction to situations, which has an impact on my future. Suppose I would have gotten angry, yelled at the guy and flipped him off. Drove home in a fit of anger and pretty much wasted a good 30 minutes if not the entire evening. Not only did I create more misery, I missed every single moment while consumed with anger. At that point, I have lost control.

When I am in the moment, I am in reality and not creating fear out of some illusion. So to eliminate fear, stay in the moment.

Good Resources on Fear

#1. The Linden Method. Proven technique to eliminate Fear, Anxiety, Panic Attacks, OCD & Phobias

#2. OK, now I have a special treat for you, Guy Finley is an amazing spiritual and life learning teacher. I have included this great audio program from him titled A Whole Life is a Fearless Life.
(.mp3 will open in a new window – listen time is approx. 10 min)
A Whole Life is a Fearless Life – Guy Finley

If you haven’t heard of Guy Finley, you should check him out. His non-profit Life of Learning Foundation has some amazing programs and he is an great speaker. His series Secrets of Being Unstoppable really can change your life. He teaches about the “fundamental laws in the universe that govern the workings of all things.” And how you can learn “to harness the immense power of these laws to supercharge your productivity, creativity, and life energy; deepen relationships with your spouse, friends, and family; banish all forms of limitation, negativity, fear, and stress; and realize a permanent success far beyond your imagination.”

I know, it really sounds like the Holy Grail of self-improvement, and I don’t endorse just anyone; but I’ve been a fan of Guy’s for a few years now and love watching his videos and listening to his pod-casts.

I encourage you to check out his Secrets of Being Unstoppable series. Or better yet, sign up for his free Be Fearless Starter Kit.

Additionally, I would encourage you to check out the best books on Amazon dealing with fear.

post photo credit: Guille.

How to eliminate fear is a post from: How To Be Happy
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