If you’re not happy with life, then you’re probably not happy with yourself. Maybe it’s time to change.

Do you know someone who is constantly complaining about something or the entire universe just seems to be conspiring against them? Or, maybe that’s you?

“Whether you think that you can, or that you can’t, you are usually right.” -Henry Ford

There was certainly a time in my life where I thought the world was out to get me. I thought that if everyone could just understand me (mainly how great I was) that I would finally get ahead. I’d get the promotion I deserved, the million dollar bonus, fame, fortune, etc. They (the world) just didn’t get how amazing I was.

I was a little off in that I believed fame and fortune would finally mean acceptance and happiness. The truth was I wasn’t happy with myself at all.

I can say with certainty that, for many years, I was confused on what being happy with yourself actually meant. Looking and acting happy seemed to be what I was doing most of the time—or at least striving for. You may be familiar with the phrase, “act as if.” Also known as “Fake it till you make it.” This suggests that if you act a certain way, whether you feel like it or not, you’ll eventually become that. That if you act happy, going through the motions of someone that feels happy, that eventually the happiness will become real. I think this concept has some merit, to a point.

From my experience, acting “as if” for years didn’t really solve my problems. Or in my case, I might have felt happy at times, but there still existed the underlying feeling of dread or general dissatisfaction with life.

Early in my happiness journey, where I really dug deep to get better and find inner-peace, I had several coach’s or mentors which helped me along the way. In times where I was frustrated or having trouble with a particular situation, I would call them up for advice. Usually it went something like this…

Me: This guy is being a total di#$.
Mentor: How are you planning to deal with it?
Me: Well, in the past I have asserted my self-will and [insert past behavior here].
Mentor: How’s that working for you?

The idea was that I get out of my comfort zone and try something different. As the saying goes, if you continue doing the same things you’ll keep getting the same results (or a dozen other cliché’s along those lines).

Slowly, as I started working through the process of self-discovery and learning acceptance and self-worth, I did change. I started doing things differently, stepping out of my comfort zone, and began to realize that the earth wasn’t going to stop because I made myself vulnerable.

One of the greatest parts of self-worth and acceptance was the ability to be completely honest with myself and others. One instance which I remember vividly was a date I had with my wife Emily, who was my girlfriend at the time.

We had only been dating for a few weeks, and she was coming down to my office to meet me for lunch. I had spent the last 11 months working on myself and was feeling more comfortable with who I was more than any time in my life. I had found forgiveness for myself and let go of my past. However, there were still some things I wasn’t proud of, but grateful as they made me who I was. Nonetheless, there was still one thing about my past which I hadn’t shared with Emily yet. And this was going to be the day.

I vividly remember riding the elevator down to meet her and feeling nervous as hell. I even got down on my knees in the elevator and said a prayer. Since I worked on the 8^th floor, it was a quick prayer. I was nervous because this part of my past had… well, not been accepted to well when it came up in previous relationships. It was actually the cause of one relationship ending. Consequently I usually left it out of my back-story in most relationships’ after that. Yet it was part of who I am and so I felt it important to share it with Emily.

As soon as I got in the car, I got all serious, turned to her and told her my secret. She sort of looked at me inquisitively and said, “Uh, OK. You had me worried there for a second… What do you feel like for lunch?”

That was it. I wasn’t banished off to Pluto to live a life of misery and isolation. That was the moment I really knew that I could and would be accepted for who I was completely. It felt good to be open and honest about myself, I could be loved unconditionally.

To be happy with yourself, trying doing something you wouldn’t normally do. Change it up a little bit and get out of your comfort zone. Maybe it’s time to change, act like the person you want to be, and leave it all behind.

Segue to kick ass song…

How to Be Happy with Yourself, Maybe it’s Time to Change is a post from: How To Be Happy
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I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow,
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,
When Sorrow walked with me.

Robert Browning Hamilton

Desperation and pain are great motivators. I hear it over and over from people in recovery; we don’t work hard at changing something—like character defects—until they cause us great pain or sorrow. Why is that?

One reason may be because it’s uncomfortable. And as I’ve learned; change is usually not hard, just uncomfortable. Maybe we’re scared of what we’ll find. Or, worse yet, if we accept something we’ll have to do something about it. Crap.

But with time and practice, we learn to let these unpleasant experiences teach us how to become human. How to accept life on life’s terms and that it is possible to surface on the other side with grace and dignity.

When things are going great, we have little need to make withdraws from our spiritual bank account. Yet many times we fail to make deposits during these times as well. Spiritual growth is often not our first priority when things are going good. Hence the term, “pain is the touchstone of all spiritual growth.”  It doesn’t have to be.

Its important when times are good to make sure we’re continuing to grow spiritually and making deposits into our spiritual bank accounts. This insures that when (not if) we need to make a significant withdraw, we’re not spiritually bankrupt.

Have you made any deposits today?

photo credit: Betsssssy

Don’t Get Caught Overdrawn! Making Deposits into Your Spiritual Bank Account is a post from: How To Be Happy
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Hiding behind the idea that I was shy, I missed out on many opportunities for spiritual, personal, or emotional growth. When I started a new job several years ago, my life coach suggested that I introduce myself to three new people in my office every morning for the first two weeks at my new job. I thought he was crazy, “that’s not like me, don’t you know I’m shy?” His response, “Jared, it’s not about you.”

“The essence of all growth is a willingness to change for the better and then an unremitting willingness to shoulder whatever responsibility this entails.”
Bill W., July 1965 As Bill Sees It, p. 115

There are many forms of self-centeredness and selfish behavior, such as self-loathing and shyness which I often confused with humility or something else; but not self-centeredness. Regardless of my intention, I was making everything about me. When I get out of myself—like introducing myself to new people no matter how uncomfortable it is—I change for the better. For me, better means placing myself in more opportunities to be of service to others—which can feel really uncomfortable at times.

From the movie Peaceful Warrior (affiliate link):
Dan: “Hey Socrates, if you know so much, why are you working at a gas station?”
Socrates: “It’s a service station. We offer service. There’s no higher purpose.”
Dan: “… Than pumping gas?”
Socrates: “Service to others.”

You see I had made a commitment to grow spiritually, personally, and emotionally. No matter what I do for a living or what my circumstances in life are, I can choose to grow. Letting every experience—whether perceived to be good or bad—take me to where I’m supposed to be. It takes commitment and hard work, but the reward is simple: a happiness which is not contingent on anyone or anything.

Most things I think are hard, aren’t hard at all, just uncomfortable. Over time, the more I grow, the more I have to get outside myself to find things that challenge me to grow.

On my recent trip to Cozumel Mexico, I resisted going into town to explore all the shops and local restaurants. I was a little nervous to drive there or take a taxi, which is usually not like me. Generally when we travel, we like getting out and experiencing the local culture and usually rent a car. I’m not sure if it was because I was lazy or what. Although everything we needed was right there at the resort; beach, diving, sun, pool, food, and a gift shop with great deals on jewelry. I also dislike the people who are always trying to sell you something. Wait, I mean I don’t dislike them, it just makes me feel uncomfortable. I feel bad telling them no or ignoring them. I want people to like me. I hate the language barrier and many times would just like to know more about a person; what’s their family like, where they live, what do they do for fun, etc. Maybe they’ll like me if instead of ignoring them I can say “I’m really sorry I’m not interested in what you’re selling. What do you do for fun?” in Spanish. But then again, I’m making it about me… I purchased the Rocket Spanish course and sometimes listen to it on my drive into work so I’m making progress. But I haven’t gotten to the “sorry I don’t need any silver, where do you live?” lesson yet.

My challenge to all my readers is to do something uncomfortable today! Try striking up a conversation with the beggar instead of pretending to be on your cell-phone. You never know what you might learn.

photo credit: macropoulos

Spiritual Growth: The Willingness to Change is a post from: How To Be Happy
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