It’s easy to take for granted the closeness and physical presence of loved ones in our lives. Their smell, the emotions they bring out in us, or the energy they bring when entering a room. It’s an amazing thing; the physical presence of another human which you’ve shared a large part of your life with. The realization that a parent, child, or friend may not always be there is hard to imagine… until they’re not there anymore. Death is so final.

This is going to sound bad… OK, it is bad, but it’s just a thought. When I went through a tough break up many years ago I remember thinking it would be easier if the other person had died suddenly. I know it’s horrible to think. Yet I know I’m not that unique. If they died, I wouldn’t have to accept the idea they were living their lives content, without me. I could move on. That was the first time in my life I felt utterly helpless, hopeless, out of control; an emotion that logic, commitment, and hard work could not maneuver past. The result was a pain I had no idea how to deal with—so I went back to the only thing I knew how to do, isolate and drink. Behavior which only re-enforced the wall of impossibility at finding a spiritual solution to any problem. Like the saying, “only an alcoholic treats loneliness with isolation.”

Locked up within ourselves is a horrible place to be as our ego tells us just how special we are. Just as long as I remained in the shadows of ego and terminal uniqueness would I be blocked from the sunlight of the spirit. The answer to all my problems was acceptance and surrender. Acceptance of my fatal situation and surrendering to the idea that someone or something could help me. What I have discovered is the sunlight of the spirit will always keep me warm, the universe prefers to conspire in my favor, and I will never be alone. To receive all of this, I was only to do one thing; ask for help.

Just ask. Amazing… it seems so simple now; yet in the throws of depression, disease, and self-martyrdom, asking for help, seeking a lifeline at any cost is often no more logical than stamping out the sun.

Not being a licensed psychiatrist, I have no lengthy diagnosis as to why asking for help never really seemed like a solution. Could be—most likely is—I didn’t want help. At least not until the pain was too unbearable. It’s a tough position to be in; more afraid of living the way you are than dying. Today I appreciate the logic in the idea that you “can’t fix a broken thinker with a broken thinker.”

“We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.”
-Albert Einstein

I think asking for help is difficult for most people. Needing help suggests you don’t know something which in turn may cause you to look stupid. This is just dumb. Asking for help is the first step in ego deflation and humility—not to be confused with laziness. Spiritual growth allows us to see ourselves as no less or greater than those around us; thus asking for help is not such a difficult task. Better yet, in asking we’re giving someone or something the gift of giving.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
-Eleanor Roosevelt

The next time you feel lost (physically, emotionally, spiritually) just ask for help. It doesn’t matter who or what you ask, just ask. If you don’t ask, there is absolutely zero possibility that someone or something will answer. What do you have to loose?

I considered the difficulty of asking for help was a reflection of childhood. This brings up thoughts of my father. My step-son and his wife gave me a book this year for my birthday, Sh*t My Dad Says (Amazon). I haven’t read it yet, but will as soon as I’m finished reading the Charlaine Harris Sookie Stackhouse (Amazon) series. Yes, I’m reading those and love them! Back to the topic..

My dad did say some pretty funny stuff, although I don’t remember enough to fill up a book. I wish now I’d paid better attention.

There are only a few things I remember my father saying that stuck with me all these years:

• One day my dad and I were in the backyard together, I must have been a Sophomore or Junior because I was contemplating my future after high school. I asked my dad what he learned in the Army and if I should join the military, his response, “If a Huey crash landed in the backyard right now, I could fix it.”
• When you live on a farm going into town is a big deal. I couldn’t wait to see what cool new gadgets and toys they had at the local hardware/department store. After a routine trip into town with mom, I returned with a brand new pellet gun; the Marksman 1010 Pistol. I was so excited to show my dad, who was sitting out by the garage working on something I’m sure. Excitedly I sat one of his beer cans out about 10 feet from where he was sitting, aimed, and… missed. He looked at me and said, “Hell son, I can run faster than that.” What a buzz kill.
• When I was about 12 I really wanted a job, don’t ask me why! My father said, “son, you’re going to be working for the rest of your life, I suggest you enjoy not working as long as you can.”

Thinking about that starts the tightness in my throat. I think of the article Today Could Be Your Last Chance; Make it Count!, and that my father worked so freaking hard his entire life only to retire and die a few years later. That’s my jaded side.

I prefer to feed the part of me that realizes there’s more to life than work. I want to be known for helping people. My father wanted to be known as a good provider, hard working, and dependable. He certainly was all those things. At least I’m assuming that’s what he wanted to be known for; unfortunately we never really had that conversation. His actions sure supported those ideals. He once told my sister he was only late to work twice in his life; once due to a flat tire and the second time because he had to pick up a co-worker at the last minute. I feel for whoever that co-worker was. I’m laughing… he seemed so rigid sometimes yet had the softness heart. At least that’s the way I remember him, which is all that matters.

I’m not sure how good of a father figure my dad was for me growing up; he must have done something right because most people seem to think I turned out OK as a man. Yet I’m not sure my father is what I miss. I miss the funny character, the history we shared together, the things he only told my mother who later shared with me; like how proud of me he was.

I miss my dad

I miss dad’s physical presence
I miss dad’s smell
I miss dad’s hands
I miss dad’s balding head
I miss dad’s laugh
I miss the disgruntled way dad looked when he was
woken from a nap
I miss dad reminding me to pay my bills on time
I miss dad’s amusing cantankerous nature
I miss the way my dad would grunt when he stood from
all the years of hard work
I miss how the older dad got, the more we talked on the phone
I miss the many ways dad said I love you without ever saying it
I miss the scar on my dads thumb and the story about
the doctor stitching it up
I miss the surprisingly witty side of dad as he got older

I’m grateful for having a dad and all the experiences to miss. My dad was simple, loving, hard working, and dependable. He was always there. Until he wasn’t.

Yes, death is final. But only in the physical sense. Oddly I think about my father more now—the significance he had in my life and all the great things he stood for. Sure I wish I could touch him, hug him, and all the things that come with being physically present with someone. Yet I also see the beauty of life around me more than ever and feel his presence in memories and thoughts. I am different than I was before he passed away. Something ended so something else could begin. The beauty is there if you look, if you ask.

In the end, all that remain are memories. Fleeting recollections of a moment, ignorant of their significance, created as we experience life with those around us. Experiences that pass like fireflies; simple and beautiful and seemingly less significant until the reality of their absence becomes apparent from the darkness.

When you’re gone, what experiences and memories do you want your loved ones to miss?

Photo Credit: caese

The Finality of Death, the Miracle of Asking, and Missing My Dad is a post from: How To Be Happy
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In a recent job interview I was asked “what are you best at?” My answer was communicating, inspiring, and remaining calm under pressure. The next question was, “how much time do you spend doing those things in your current position?” My answer… hmm, well, at first I said none but then changed it to maybe 10%. After which I shifted in my seat, gave my real serious look and said, “Here’s the deal… I wake up each morning and remind myself I’m here to be of service to others; and that I can be of service regardless of my job title.” Also known as—I’m an optimist and make the best out of any situation—speech. It became obvious I wasn’t currently in a position—professionally—to excel at what I do best. Since then I’ve been thinking about something…

How did I develop good communication skills?

The answer: getting to know myself and practice.

The ironic thing is I used to be a horrible communicator. The trail of failed relationships in my past is testimony to that. How did I go from captain (mis)communicator to where I’m at today? A place where my wife—just a few days ago—asked me, “How did you get so good at relationships and communicating?” I thought for a quick second and realized it wasn’t something I set out to accomplish; it was a by-product of self-acceptance and developing a healthy relationship with self. Becoming a good communicator was sort of by accident…

There is no shortage of top-ten lists or keys to effective communication on the web or your local bookstore (Let me Google that for you). I rarely research my topics—anyone can give you keys to effective communication—what I offer is actual experience and what has worked for me. So here are my suggestions, based on my experience, on developing good communication skills.

Disclaimer: Sometimes I still suck fail at communicating effectively. Although I am better at identifying what’s hindering my effectiveness (e.g. fear, ego).

Know Yourself

The single most effective way of relating to others is being in touch with our own emotions. I remember hearing the term get it out of your head and into your heart. It confused the hell out of me as I had no idea what they were talking about. In trying to think of a way to explain this, the simplest thing I can think of is: it takes one to know one.

The more we learn about ourselves as individuals, the better we understand others. It just makes sense, it’s logical. It’s like learning to speak the same language. Thus we’re better able to communicate.

Listen

We spend most of our time waiting for our turn to speak rather than listening. I’m still guilty of this from time to time. You know… that little voice in your head that’s suggesting something fantastic to say if they’d only stop jabbering for a minute so you can wow them with your brilliance? The moment the voice (ego) weighs in we tune out.

Here’s what I do:

As the voice starts to speak up, I recognize it and quickly tell myself (silently of course), “if it’s that important, God will put the words in my mouth when its time.” Then I try and get back to listening. Maybe you’re thinking… how can you be listening if you’re talking to yourself? Good question, it gets easier with practice—recognizing the voice, silencing it, and having the faith it will speak up when it’s time.

When we’re really listening, we identify better with a person’s emotions and experiences. See again how this all comes back to truly knowing ourselves! The ability to connect on an emotional level creates sincerity in the conversation. I have a friend who’s really good at this… he makes you feel as if you’re the most important person in his life at that moment.

Stop Judging

Most people don’t realize how visible their opinions are when communicating. We’ll get more into this when talking about body language, but when we’re judging someone, it shows. Again, this comes back to truly accepting ourselves. If we’re insecure or unclear of our own identity it’s easier to look for flaws in others.

Our ego gets involved and looks for ways of elevating us above the other person. “You’re stupid for doing it that way; this is how you should do it.” Self-righteousness will come through in our communication and create conflict between those involved.

Until we get the ego out of the way, we’re not really communicating; we’re just feeding our looking-good racket. Even the best communicators can really suck at it sometimes; emotions and ego often get in the way and cloud our judgment.

Be Understanding Rather Than Understood

Being understanding rather than understood is a passage I love from the Prayer of St. Francis and can literally change your life. Knowing and understanding self greatly increased the ability to understand others. When communicating, try and put yourself in their shoes. Granted this might be difficult if you’ve never experienced something similar, but try and relate to the emotions you hear them expressing. If you’re in touch with your own emotions, it’s easier to get a feel of what they’re going through.

When was the last time you really tried to convince someone of something? Something you knew in your heart was the right thing to do but they just couldn’t understand or balked at your suggestion or advice. It can be really frustrating.

Now, think about a time when someone was giving you advice or a suggestion. Maybe deep in your gut you felt true to the way you were approaching the situation. There was just something inside that insisted the other person didn’t know what they were talking about.

Now apply that same feeling or situation to the person you’re trying to persuade. Be understanding of their situation rather than insisting they just don’t understand what you’re trying to say. If you’re thinking, “they just don’t get it,” then you’re not communicating effectively. More importantly, it’s not your job to make them get anything; that’s their job. Just listen and give suggestions based on your experience.

I don’t know about you, but the most effective change I ever made was when I realized I didn’t have the answer and asked someone I trusted for help. The best thing you can do is show your expertise in a certain area by actions. Trust me, if someone needs or wants something you have, they’ll ask for it when ready. People are ready for advice and suggestions when they ask! Insisting they take you’re advice before they’re ready will only push them away. Sadly it usually takes emotional pain for most of us to be ready.

Validate Emotions

One of the biggest mistakes I made in previous relationships was the inability to accept my partner’s emotions. Here are a couple comments that may sound familiar:

• “I can’t believe you feel that way.”
• “You shouldn’t feel that way.”
• “Obviously you misunderstood me if you feel that way”

Hogwash and total bull crap! (I know, I have such a foul mouth) Insisting that someone shouldn’t feel a certain way is like telling them they shouldn’t breath. If you feel it, then it’s valid! Emotions are neither good or bad, wrong or right, they’re just emotions. What we need to look at is the underlying cause of the emotion. As communicators, we have an opportunity to help facilitate the discovery process. We have to be careful here though… as the underlying cause may be something we have done (more than likely it’s due to our poor communication). This is where our ego steps in to protect itself and sabotage the communication. It may insist they shouldn’t feel that way… surely they misunderstood.

Give people the dignity to own and feel their emotions.

Body Language

There’s an entire science behind body language (actually I don’t know if there is, that just sounded good and I couldn’t find an actual “science” via Google). Point being, it’s a broad topic and one I find interesting. I’ll just touch on a few things I practice or have learned.

Whether we know it or not, our body is giving off signals as to how engaged we are in communication. For example, having your arms crossed sends a closed off and unreceptive signal while an open stance sends one that is more inviting. Pay attention to how you’re standing or sitting when listening to someone.

Great communicators listen well and stay engaged in the conversation. I have a tendency to tune-out sometimes and stop “really” listening halfway through a conversation. I may fiddle with my cell phone, try to listen to the TV or something in the background, or just gaze while the other person is talking. The gazing part is a response to my brain tuning out; either to listen to something else or chatting up a storm about my response. People pick up on that. At least I know my wife does because she’ll start saying things like “so I mowed my tongue today” just to see if I’m listening. Trust me, if she notices, so do other people. Even though I still do this at times, I’m better able to catch myself and re-engage in the conversation—hopefully before they notice I left.

When I was a restaurant manager I learned to read the body language of customers. You can tell when approaching a table if they’re engaging people or just want to be left alone. You can tell, just by watching, what they need. Maybe they’re looking at their hands and wish they had another napkin or swiveling their head looking for help. Likewise, people give off signals as to what they’re feeling.

It goes back to the idea; it takes one to know one. Being in-tune with our emotions helps us feel the energy and emotions of others more easily. Those emotions come out in eye movements, hand placement, and all sorts of subtle changes in body language.

Remember the saying; Get it out of your head and into your heart? As we improve in all areas of communication through self-awareness, we can actually move past verbal communication alone and actually begin to feel conversations. It’s hard to explain. If someone is hurting you can feel it as it comes out in their body language and expression; likewise with joy and happiness.

Reduce Emotional Investment

This may be the most difficult area to master and one which many of you might disagree.

Having an emotional investment in the outcome of an interaction or conversation with someone increases the chance that our communication will be tainted by our ego’s agenda.

If you take my advice then I am right and I am a good person.

If we’re emotionally invested in the outcome of an experience or conversation, our ego or motive is driven to control the outcome in our favor. If we feel disliked or have a low self-esteem, we’re likely to sway the conversation towards something that will make us look good. This is normal and still happens to me all the time. I’ll often walk away from a conversation realizing I just made the exchange all about me. This is when I can determine if I need to apologize or connect with them again briefly to let them know I heard what they said and was taking them seriously.

To be emotionally detached from the outcome of a conversation does not mean you don’t care. It means that no matter what the outcome, you’re still able to maintain an overall sense of inner-peace and emotional stability. For me, getting to a place where happiness and peace is not contingent on outside sources is the goal. Some day’s I’m closer to that goal than others; consequently my communication is better. The more in-tune I am with my inner voice, emotions, or “gut” the better I am at communicating. That’s why prayer and meditation are an important part of my day. If my head is full of crap spinning around, I’m probably not going to be a very good communicator.

Communicating with a Partner or Spouse

This is where everything gets deep and we must rely more than ever on love and acceptance of self. This is where the rubber hits the road and we practice faith in ourselves and God’s love for us.

As we grow and mature spiritually and emotionally, we become more open, honest, and secure with who we are as individuals. This results in less need for outside sources for validation and acceptance. Thus we’re better able to give and receive love—unconditionally.

It is a beautiful thing when two emotional mature human beings share themselves with each other—which is how I view my wife and I today. The reason we communicate so well is we are both secure with who we are as individuals—separate from the other. Make no mistake about it though, we do have differences of opinions and sometimes even heated discussions. But we truly respect each other and only want what’s best for us and our marriage. This means sometimes deciding to be happy rather than right.

The faith comes in when sharing feelings, thoughts, or emotions with your partner; in faith that we are loved unconditionally by God. Now most people would say “don’t you mean loved unconditionally by your partner?” Surely you would hope so, but love and acceptance for self begins with the belief that we’re loved unconditionally regardless of our circumstances. The point here is that when we share our lives and inner-most feelings with someone (anyone), we must feel somewhat complete and whole—or we’re going to filter what we share in fear we won’t be accepted or loved. Have you ever shared just enough of something with your partner to see what their reaction is going to be? Then, based on how they react, alter what you say or do?

One HUGE breakthrough in my ability to communicate effectively with my wife (shortly after we first met) was the day I took a chance. A chance that even if I shared my inner-most feelings, emotions, fears, etc. that she might just stick around. This worked because I was already OK with myself and knew I would be fine if she left or thought less of me. Sure it would suck, but the reality was, my inner-peace and clear conscience meant more to me and was bigger than any one person or relationship; regardless of how much they meant to me. So I had faith, took a chance, opened up and was completely honest. A funny thing happened, not only did she stick around; she was inspired and loved me even more for being honest.

Your homework; is to practice an ancient Sufi tradition: In your life together, speak words to your beloved only if they can pass through 3 gates: First, is it truthful? Second, is it necessary? Third, is it kind? If your words are truthful & necessary & kind, then the love you have maintained up until today will be nourished and continue to grow & your name will continue to remain safe in your beloved’s mouth.
-The Guaranteed Way to Never Say Something You’ll Regret!

Granted this is a lot easier said then done. Even though I know this whole concept in theory, I still fall back into old habits sometimes. Or I should say old fears.

It’s been my experience that being completely honest about everything is a lot easier. Although I do believe it works best when the individuals involved are secure with themselves and emotionally mature. It takes a certain level of emotional maturity to not take everything your partner says personal. If you really want your partner to be completely honest and open with you, make sure they know you love them unconditionally no matter what. I guess you’d better make sure you do though… because it will show.

A therapist told me once I suffered from conflict avoidance… the term is pretty self-explanatory. Although I thought the word suffer was a little extreme. Anyway, I would bet most people would rather avoid conflict—I know that’s not always the case but we’ll leave the discussion of what their payoff is for another time. The important thing here is paying attention to how you react to what your partner is communicating. If you’re reaction is negative, they’re liable to avoid sharing such information with you again. I know this seems illogical and practically impossible to follow; not showing deep emotion when someone shares something hurtful with you. But if we’re coming from a place of love and acceptance, there really isn’t anything that can cause us harm. Plus, we cannot change what the person has already done. What we can control is our reaction and what we do from this point forward.

One technique I use when learning of something that may seemingly be hurtful to me, is ask myself: have I done the same thing? Chances are, at some point in my life I have done the exact same thing or something similar; this allows me to be understanding and empathetic.

I used to hate the question, “what are you feeling?” The truth was I just didn’t know. So I made up something; usually something I knew they wanted to hear. I didn’t know who I was as a person and continually searched outside myself for happiness and acceptance. The result was terrible communication since every conversation was conducted by my ego trying to keep itself safe.

The Bottom Line

If you want to develop better communication skills, start building a healthy relationship with yourself. Start by opening the lines of communication with your inner-self. After all, you have to be with YOU more than anyone else; you might as well learn how to get along!

What skills do you practice to become a better communicator?

Oh, one more thing – I got the job!

photo credit: joshfassbind.com

How to Develop Good Communication Skills (accidentally on purpose) is a post from: How To Be Happy
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What does peace, love, and happiness mean to you? I think of the sixties—or was that sex, drugs, and rock and roll?—and the idea that love can end war and violence. Is love really all we need? If it’s that simple, we need to start with love for ourselves; until we accomplish that, nothing will change. By developing self-acceptance, understanding, empathy, and love for self, we’re better able to practice those very attributes in our relationships with others.

First a Little about Relationships

Does everyone really have a soul mate? It seems that everyone is searching for that one special person that will make their life complete. Then we’ll truly find happiness right? Hollywood has made it hard for people to live up to the expectations of the fairytale relationship. I’m not a pessimist, just a realist.

Don’t get me wrong, I have a wonderful life and a beautiful wife whom I have an amazing relationship with. And by all accounts, I have never been happier. But it had more to do with me than her or “us.”

It seems so obvious now, my inability to find the perfect relationship; it doesn’t exist. Years ago—during a time of intense spiritual and emotional self development—I was asked to write down my “ideal” relationship and describe my perfect partner. I don’t remember exactly what I wrote, but I do remember something important about the exercise. Once completed, my life coach had me go through and circle every time I had used the word “I.”  It was a lot. The exercise revealed my perception of a healthy relationship was… well, off. More precisely, it was clearly all about me and what I was demanding from a partner. Moreover, I was demanding and believed that someone could actually make me happy. It was all about what I needed, not what I could offer. To figure out what I had to offer, I had to find out who I really was; which was impossible until I found some peace within myself. It would also become clear later that as a result of not feeling worthy of love, my ideal partner was non-existent sub-consciously on purpose.

Another realization was that my long-term relationships (over 6 months… which was long to me) were pretty dysfunctional. The healthy ones didn’t last long; usually ending in me giving the “It’s not you, it’s me” line. I felt uncomfortable in healthy, communicative, and emotionally involved relationships because I had no idea how to be in one. As I was confused in what I wanted and unable to connect with myself emotionally, so too were the relationships I was attracted to.

“Men do not attract that which they want, but that which they are.”
-James Allen from As A Man Thinketh
(Amazing short book! You can download a free .pdf here or get it on Amazon)

If we’re unable to have a healthy relationship with ourselves, wouldn’t it only make sense we’d be incapable of having them with someone else?

Peace

So began the long process of learning how to have a healthy relationship with myself. It seems pretty logical that since I spend all day with me, I should learn how to get along with me better. One huge obstacle—and often the reason many of us fail to act—is the fear that we won’t like what we find about our true selves. The process of developing self-love and respect was/is… well, difficult at times. Wait, let me put it a different way; it’s uncomfortable. I get those confused sometimes. Let’s face it; it’s hard to take a real good look at yourself, especially when you’ve been running from it for so long.

One particular obstacle I faced in self-discover was the “what ifs.”  What if I do become self-aware, more in-tune with my highest ideal and authentic self, and I’m still not happy? What then? It’s like not chasing a dream for fear of failing; we’re more comfortable with the idea of a dream than having to face the fear or realization that we’re not good enough. That is precisely why it is SO important to learn to accept and love our true self. With acceptance and love comes empathy and understanding; an understanding of what does and does not make us happy. We’re more likely to succeed at something if we now exactly what it is we’re after! Think about it… about how efficient we are shopping when we know exactly what we’re looking for. It’s a great feeling to be an informed shopper!

Unless we learn to accept and love ourselves, we’ll never be able to truly accept it from others. How can we? It just doesn’t work that way, at least not for me; or at least not in a complete fulfilling and healthy way. Self-acceptance means we stop fighting with ourselves; we quiet the committee in our head and learn to get along with self. Thus we begin to experience inner-peace.

Love

What is love to you? What a question that is huh? I’d love to hear what others believe love to be! There are many great definitions, but one I found and particularly like defines love as; unconditional acceptance, devoutness, and trust, between two consenting individuals. How can we ever know if we’ve accepted someone if we have no idea what that means or feels like? I like the term acceptance because it’s easier to associate self-acceptance with that for others than self-love.

The term “self-love” can sometimes be a little confusing, at least for me. When talking about self, distinguishing between love, self-esteem, and ego can get a little tangled. I’m better able to measure self-acceptance. It’s common for people to know what love feels like but have difficulty expressing it with words. But acceptance is a little easier, at least to describe or associate with. Self-acceptance is important in regards to love because we first recognize it in ourselves. You can’t give away something you don’t have.

In regards to love and happiness, I’m not sure happiness is possible without love; at least not long-lasting happiness. Without acceptance and love, happiness is only temporary. We may feel happy most of the time, but deep down we feel as if there’s something missing. Regardless of what we experience physically or emotionally, without self-acceptance and love, long-term inner-peace is unavailable and thus lasting love. Hmmm, although empathy may be possible… but that’s confusing me…

Self-acceptance is powerful as it enables us to feel worthy of love. The more love worthy we become, the easier it is to accept love from others.

Happiness

The journey to and process of reaching happiness is different for everyone, but I guarantee you—as sure as the sky is blue—if you have peace and love in your life, you won’t have to find happiness; it’ll find you! If your goal is peace, love, and ultimately happiness, my suggestion is to start with peace. Learn to establish inner-peace with yourself, which in turn will help with acceptance and love. By practicing acceptance and love (forgiveness) in all aspects of your life, happiness is inevitable. After all, life is not a search for happiness; happiness is a by-product of right living. Finding inner-peace and becoming love worthy enables us to accept love and experience happiness.

Peace Love and Happiness: Finding Inner Peace and Accepting Love = Happiness is a post from: How To Be Happy
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You hear people say it all the time: “Everything Happens for a Reason”

This saying, or idea, intrigues me. My logical brain (which I try not to entertain too much) views it as a tool for dealing with acceptance, although this tool only works when we choose to use it ourselves. Most of us know you shouldn’t walk up to someone who just experienced some tragic event, be all optimistic and say, “everything happens for a reason dude.” You may get punched in the face for good reason.

In a sense, I don’t believe everything happens for a reason. Yes, I believe God reveals things to me or puts people and circumstances in my life, but it’s what I learn from those experiences that brings reason to them. It’s more a matter of faith; faith that no matter what the obstacle, I can get through it and learn from it. A faith that only comes from experience. Prior to developing this faith, I was constantly filled with fear and anxiety.

Before I got all spiritual, I was the erector set kid. If I couldn’t take it apart and see what made it tick—a control thing—it didn’t really interest me. And no way was I going to turn my will and life over to circumstance; let alone God or a Higher Power. We all know where that thinking took me.

What I learned from my experience was to let go. Not just let go of control, but let go of everything! Every thought about what life meant, every fear of not being liked and ALL the stuff that comes with it; most importantly every idea I had about spirituality. Once I chose life, every decision from that point on was easy. It was suggested I work some type of spiritual program, so I did. My experience tells me that I’m a spiritual being—simply because it feels right. I feel more at home with my soul and self today than ever.

Did me hitting bottom and finding a spiritual life happen for a reason? I don’t know, and I don’t care. What I do know is the life I have today because I survived and learned about living a spiritual life, is what I had been searching for all along. And while I see many others like me not make it, it’s hard for me to tell their friends and family they died for a reason. I pray for them to have the strength to learn from their experience; to learn something they can pass on to others, and to learn they now have faith to walk through just about anything.

Maybe everything doesn’t happen for a reason; but rather it’s what we learn from the experience that GIVES it reason.

Everything Happens for A Reason is a Cop-Out

For some reason, hearing people say “everything happens for a reason” annoys me sometimes. I’m not sure why, maybe it’s a sense that they’re not taking stock in the significance of a situation or experience. Maybe I’m jealous they’re not more upset about a situation. Honestly, I’m fairly certain its rooted somewhere near self-righteousness.

Maybe the annoyance comes from the idea that people may believe that someone, or something would cause harm in order to teach us a lesson. Personally, I think that’s BS. I’m a firm believer in an all-loving God. I heard or read something somewhere that made sense to me. Either you believe in Love or you don’t. If love is pure and true, then there really is nothing else. There’s no hatred or evil, only lack of the presence of love. Suggesting rewards and punishment for actions and behaviors sounds more like marketing than truth to me.

I used to see people on TV after a terrible accident–maybe they lost loved ones–saying “everything happens for a reason.” I’d think, “You idiot, you don’t even know what that means… what’s the reason then, huh?” What they really meant to say is “I’m making up shyt to make myself feel better right now… I’m in denial.” But isn’t any idea or reaction (regardless of how idiotic it seems) that helps someone deal with a loss good? I think so.

Getting to the Place Where You Believe that Everything Happens for a Reason

Getting to a place of acceptance can be hard. On one side you have the concept that you’re not unique, and that everyone goes through similar experiences in their lives. On the other side, you have the concept that you need to seek help, talk about things, and participate in your recovery (from whatever it may be).

The most important thing about acceptance is you don’t have to like it. Accepting something does not mean I have to like it. It means I accept it to be real; I now have the power to do something about it.

On June 25th of 2010 my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Ten days later, on July 5th, he died on his dining room floor in the arms of my mother. We’re thankful he didn’t have to suffer the painful experience of terminal lung cancer.

An important part of healing is acceptance. A huge part of acceptance is humility. Something that helps me with humility is the simple idea that things in life happen around me, not to me. Honestly, to think that all this crap is happening to me is a pretty narcissistic view.

I don’t believe I’m taught a lesson. I believe it’s up to me to learn from life’s experiences and use it to make myself better. It’s my job to heal, not question why things happen.

If I am to believe that something happens to me for a reason (that an unseen or future event is coming which will be good for me regardless of the temporary pain I’m experiencing), then that would be accepting the concept of a force inflicting pain to instill a lesson. I don’t believe that.

Would you cause your child unimaginable pain or suffering just to teach them a lesson?

photo credit: Greything

Does Everything Really Happen for a Reason? is a post from: How To Be Happy
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So you want to know how to “find” inner peace and happiness?

If you’ve been around How to Be Happy long enough, you probably already know what I’m about to say… that’s right, find inner peace and you’ll discover happiness.

Happiness is a by-product of inner peace; so you don’t really find it, it finds you. If you’ve read my report, How To Be Happy Now, then you know what I’m talking about.

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.
-Mahatma Gandhi

Looking at the Gandhi quote, happiness is a result of having our thoughts and actions in sync. But what about people who think angry and act angry; are they happy? Hmm, that’s a great question. I’m sure that is not what Gandhi was talking about, but I would add that if your actions cause harm or pain to others, that would not equate to happiness for yourself. That is if you have any type of conscience or moral compass; this obviously excludes sociopaths. Speaking of sociopaths, that reminds me of the first time I met my wife’s father and stepmother… You all like stories right? (I’ll digress for a moment)

My wife’s father is a retired pathologist and her stepmother is a retired psychologist; they’re both amazing people and a joy to be around and talk to. The first time we met my wife was going on and on to her father about how I always knew just what to say and how happy we were together. Her father, while I was sitting there, starting talking about how sociopaths have a gift for always knowing the right thing to say and making people feel good. It wasn’t directed at me, we were just discussing personalities and character traits, but it really got me to thinking… gosh, I do seem to always know what to say and make people happy… maybe I am a sociopath, I mean surely those who are don’t know it right? Later that evening I approached her father and stepmother and suggested maybe I was in need of a “session” to talk and discover if I’m a sociopath or not. They laughed, apologized if I felt they had insinuated anything and assured me I was fine and from their assessment appeared to be mentally stable. It’s quite the story and we laugh about it now.

Part of being happy with myself is the ability to say the right things to people based in my truth and from the heart, as opposed to saying what I think people want to hear. Also having the intuition to know when to say something and when to keep my mouth shut. One of my favorite passages is something read at my wedding:

Your homework is to practice an ancient Sufi tradition: In your life together, speak words to your beloved only if they can pass through 3 gates: First, is it truthful? Second, is it necessary? Third, is it kind? If your words are truthful & necessary & kind, then the love you have maintained up until today will be nourished and continue to grow & your name will continue to remain safe in your beloved’s mouth.

Good advice.

Back to the topic of how to find inner peace and happiness… Oh, and sociopaths; so do we even know when we’re unhappy? Take my life now for instance, I have an inner peace and happiness which is incomparable to anything I have felt in my life previously. Sure I thought I was happy for many years, or at least accepted the fact that I would be somewhat happy. When thinking about how to find happiness, I would immediately associate it with love and relationships; but knew that was far off for me until I reached a level of professional success. Today, the happiness I experience is so much deeper and is truly a happiness within that comes from someplace other than material things or relationships. That happiness is a direct product of inner peace. As I have dealt with regrets, resentments, discovered self-forgiveness, and moved into a life lived on spiritual principles, I have found inner peace.

Once you find inner peace, happiness will inevitably find you! And many times in places and ways you would never have imagined!

Hmmm, happiness from inner peace you say? “…that sounds good, I’ll have some of that.” Or maybe you’re thinking, “we’re all glad you found inner peace Jared, but how can we get some of that?” I’ll tell you.

So far we’ve determined that if you find inner peace, happiness will find you right? According to that, we only need to concentrate on the first part of our original question, “how to find inner peace and happiness.” Inner peace can only come one way in my opinion; self love. Self love has nothing to do with ego, self-esteem, or making oneself feel good. Self-love has to do with learning empathy, compassion, and forgiveness for yourself and that you were created out of love.

In my journey of self-discovery, there was one issue that I struggled to accept; the fact that I did not love myself. I had always felt special (which was part of my problem) and knew I was capable of great things; I believed in myself for the most part. I was nice to others and always seemed full of joy. To me, that just didn’t sound like a guy who didn’t love himself. Looking back I realize,  had I truly loved myself, I would not have treated myself the way I did. I had confused what I was showing people on the outside with what I was feeling on the inside. Thus I was lacking inner peace and self-love; consequently long-term happiness constantly eluded me.

As I entered into a process of recovery and learned how to rid myself of guilt, regret, and insecurities, I began to realize how badly I had been treating myself. The realization that I was not living up to my ideal self, and to really identify what that ideal self looked like, was a process. It started with the awareness that I had a problem then went through acceptance and surrender and continued to grow from there. The process involved re-learning how to think and building a different perspective of the world and my place in it. Moreover, what it meant to be successful and how valuable a peace of mind could be.

I have found a way to cultivate inner peace, however it is a long process (initially) and way to in-depth to get into here. This process, which I’ve broken into 9 steps (awareness, acceptance, surrender, identification, self-searching, honesty, action and atonement, spiritual development, and maintenance) will be included in my upcoming eBook to be released sometime within the next six months (I hope). It WILL happen, I’m just not putting any hard deadlines on myself In the meantime, try to concentrate on loving yourself and listening to what the committee is telling you! If you’re not familiar with the committee, I suggest you sign up for my free report, How To Be Happy Now below or to the right.

I’d like to end with this quick minute and a half audio clip from Dr. Wayne Dyer on happiness:

Thanks for stopping by to share part of your time with me today. It truly is appreciated.

How to Find Inner Peace and Happiness is a post from: How To Be Happy
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Welcome back to The Spiritual Serenity Series: 7 Steps to Inner Peace and Happiness. Last week we looked at step 4, Self-Searching. This week we are looking at:

Step 5: Confession

Oh great you’re saying… I have to confess my sins? Actually… yes. Admitting our faults to another human being, someone qualified to hear them, is an important step in being honest with ourselves. We hold back nothing for I am as sick as my secrets.

How is telling someone else our deepest secrets being honest with ourselves? It is the process of saying the words, getting them out into the open, which helps in our healing. By healing our self-image and moving closer to a real perception of ourselves, we move towards truth—truth about ourselves. Not until we truly know who we are, can we move forward into what we might become.

We often find that many of our secrets, things that we secretly condemn ourselves for, are not as bad as they may seem. It is important we share them with someone else for this amazing and spiritual transformation to work. So we find someone who is familiar with the process and understands what we are trying to accomplish.

Sitting in a room with myself and admitting to the wall my deepest secrets does not accomplish anything. I tried that for years and nothing happened. Remember, we cannot fix a broken mind with a broken mind. Moreover, we have already accepted something has to change, so we are wiling to move forward in the process.

I have used chaplains, life coaches, counselors, and therapists for this process. If we are serious about change, we find someone!

I have gone through this process several times, and I can tell you it is not as bad as it seems. In my experience, the wrongs I have done are causing more soul sickness then the actual acts themselves. It is important that I get them out into the open and discuss them with someone if I am ever going to forgive myself and move on.

The result of this process is a clear and objective look back at the patterns in our lives. This is another reason why we must share our inventory with another person. The person can help us see events in our past for what they really are—events in our past. Maybe we have been too hard on ourselves for something we have done. Conversely, maybe something happened in our past that is influencing our behavior more than we realize.

My experience with this process has been amazing. The act of sharing my deepest secrets with someone brings me more into the spirit of the universe. It is one step closer to being a part of as opposed to a part from. When I reach out to another human being and ask for help and guidance, I become receptive to the possibility of miracles and the power of love. True happiness and inner peace begins with self-acceptance. Self-acceptance begins with forgiveness, forgiveness of oneself. By confessing my faults to someone else, I confess that I am open to the power of forgiveness. It is from this place I have a start for forgiving myself. Only then may I experience the true power of forgiving others.

Next up, Step 6: Action!

What do you think about confessing your deepest secrets to someone else?

Photo credit: h.koppdelaney

The Spiritual Serenity Series: Step 5, Confession is a post from: How To Be Happy
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Welcome back to the The Spiritual Serenity Series: 7 Steps to Inner Peace and Happiness. Last week we looked at the first step, Awareness. This week we’re looking at:

Step 2: Acceptance

As a result of step one, Awareness, we’re now aware that we need to change some aspect of our life in order to find happiness. Yet simply being aware will not accomplish anything. Especially if we’re unwilling to change that aspect of our lives. This is where acceptance comes in. We must be able to accept what it is we need to change. If we can’t get to a place of acceptance, that is recognizing and owning what is standing in our way, we’re stuck. Denial is a word that comes to mind here.

It’s important to note that just because I accept something does not mean I have to like it. Early on this was difficult for me to understand, but as I grow spiritually, acceptance because easier—even if means facing something uncomfortable—because I know I will grow from it.

The most difficult part of acceptance is…  **drum roll please** knowing that once I accept something, I am responsible. And if I’m responsible, I’m the only one that can do something about it. If I want to change that is.

“Acceptance is not submission; it is acknowledgement of the facts of a situation. Then deciding what you’re going to do about it.”
-Kathleen Casey Theisen

That’s right, me, no one else. The blame game is over. I can no longer play the victim and blame someone else for my misfortune.

OK, so I surrender. I accept the fact that I need to change, what now?

Next up, Step 3: Identification.

photo credit: h.koppdelaney

The Spiritual Serenity Series: Step 2, Acceptance is a post from: How To Be Happy
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In the coming weeks I will explore the process of finding inner peace and happiness; as it has worked for me. I have broken the process down into seven steps:

1. Awareness
2. Acceptance
3. Identification
4. Self-Searching
5. Confession
6. Action
7. Maintenance

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”
-Ghandi

I have found Ghandi’s view of happiness to be right on. Thus, I need to get three things in harmony; thought, words, and action. The result of such harmony is a healthy self-image based in reality.

It has been my experience that thought, words, and actions based upon love bring the greatest serenity and happiness into my life. Not only love for myself, but also love for all of God’s creatures. Personally, I did not wake up one day and love everything and everyone… how could I? I did not truly love myself—or so I discovered through this process. It has been a long journey and one that continues on a day-to-day basis.

When looking at these three areas, there appears to be a paradox. I have to do (action) and say (words) the right things in order to think (thought) healthy about myself and be happy. (i.e. I can’t think my way into good living, I must live my way into good thinking). It’s all about action. I cannot intellectualize and read about happiness and wake up one day happy. It just doesn’t work that way, a least not for me. Yet in order to do the right things (action), I have to think them first. That is why it is important to realize this journey is a process. It takes practice and gets easier over time. Eventually, the right thoughts are the first to come into our mind, followed by the right actions. The natural result being self-respect and a positive self-image based in reality.

I must point out why I use the phrase based in reality. For years, I confused my actions with intentions. Most of the time, I had the best of intentions but rarely followed up with the appropriate action. As a result, I had a skewed perception of how I was actually perceived by others. I am judged by my actions, not my intentions.

“The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance.”
-Nathaniel Branden

Step 1: Awareness

I’ve always liked the saying, “I didn’t know what I didn’t know.” For years I was unaware there existed a better way to live; a life based on spiritual principles that could bring true inner-peace and happiness. Character building, in terms of spiritual growth, was not something I sought for happiness but rather as a means to obtain something, a tool rather than a virtue.

At age twenty, I fulfilled a childhood dream by becoming a zookeeper. I was happy… for a few years. Then one day I woke up and simply wasn’t happy anymore. I developed the awareness at that point in my life that no matter what, I would never be satisfied. I felt it in my soul.

For the next sixteen years, I continued to search for satisfaction outside of myself. With each new job or relationship, I was fulfilled for a while, but eventually the dissatisfaction with my life would return. Although I was aware of this uneasy and restless feeling, I had no idea what to do about it. I was aware of the problem, but was unaware not only of the source, but that there was a solution.

Not until I was forced out of pain and desperation to ask for help, did I become aware of the real problem. I was trying to fill a spiritual hole with material things. Out of this awareness came the greatest discovery of all: I could not fix myself. Moreover, I did not have to.

The first step to inner-peace and happiness is awareness, the awareness that something needs to change. We’re talking about real change here; not geographical, professional, or material, but a significant change in our perception of the world and our place in it. Change of this magnitude must come from outside of ourselves. For me it was simply searching for someone that had what I wanted—true peace and serenity—and asking them to show me how they got there.

“We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.”
-Albert Einstein

What are some things in your life that you have become aware of that need to change?

Up next, Step 2: Acceptance.

Photo Credit: h.koppdelaney

The Spiritual Serenity Series: 7 Steps to Inner Peace and Happiness is a post from: How To Be Happy
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I like routines.

Years ago I was living in a house with six other guys. The house was run by a non-profit organization and served as a transition for guys early in sobriety trying to get back on their feet. Literally. Each house member was assigned chores; one of which was cleaning the living room. As an early riser, I was usually the first one up and to make coffee. While the coffee was brewing, I would prepare my lunch for the day, then enjoy a cup of joe in the living room while reading my morning meditation books. Leaving my coffee on the coffee table, it was off to the shower with the intention of returning to finish my coffee before leaving for work.

“There’s only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that’s your own self.”
-Aldous Huxley

Remember now I’m living with six guys, one of which would normally be up by now as well. His chore happened to be cleaning the living room and since he didn’t usually return home till later at night, he would always do it first thing in the morning and inevitably while I was in the shower getting ready for work. As a result, he would always pour out my coffee and put the cup in the dishwasher. This frustrated the heck out of me. I would tell him to leave my coffee cup alone, but he continued this selfish behavior every morning. I couldn’t understand what was so freakin’ hard for him to understand. Leave it alone!!

Finally I mentioned something about it to a friend. His response, “why don’t you just take the cup of coffee with you?”

Crap.

I learned a simple lesson. Many times, a simple change in my own behavior is all that is needed to increase my happiness and serenity. By just changing a single action—my own—I can avoid frustration and stop making unreasonable demands on others.

What small changes have you made that have increased your serenity?

photo credit: . SantiMB . (uninspired)

Well I’m back from vacation. Curacao was incredible and the diving was great. If you’re ever on Curacao and like to dive, I highly recommend Suzy and Mark of The Dive Bus. I’m still working on the happiness article/series I mentioned before we left for vacation. So stay tuned for that!

Aha Moment: How a Simple Change in Behavior Can Increase Spiritual Serenity is a post from: How To Be Happy
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I am six years old and shivering as I glare at the freezing water from the edge of a pool. It is 7:30 a.m. and I am supposed to be in the water with the rest of the students… and my mother. Scared and cold, I muster every bit of courage I have, and jump.

A few short minutes later, I am OK. Actually, the water feels good now—not nearly as cold as when I jumped in. Did the water temperature change? Of course not—the water temperature did not change, I did.

“The key to change… is to let go of fear.”
-Rosanne Cash

Just like the fear of jumping into cold water, I sometimes fear uncomfortable situations. Situations, which prior to living a spiritual life, I avoided at all costs. Usually numbed out or tuned out in some way. These situations are usually a change in my normal routine or what feels comfortable.

Today when faced with something uncomfortable—whether rooted in fear, jealousy, anger—I am better aware of it, and know from experience, I’m probably getting ready to grow somehow spiritually and/or emotionally. Armed with this attitude, I am better prepared to face any obstacle or change in my life with minimal fear.

Life has not gotten easier; my perspective is just different.

I was not always this way. It took a lot of pain to make me change. Moreover, I did not want to change, I had to. Thank God. I was unaware there was a better way to live—I didn’t know what I didn’t know.

So the secret is (drum roll), the world and circumstances of our lives do not change, we do. Things happen around me, not to me. It’s how I react to change that either enhances or stunts my spiritual growth.

I am especially excited to hear about how you have accepted changes in your lives! Share in the comments.

I will leave you with another quote that gives a hint into how we can accomplish and view change:

“If you want something you’ve never had, you must do something you’ve never done.” –Unknown

So the next time you’re standing at the edge of change or something uncomfortable, remember to walk through it—jump in! By embracing it, you’re re-channeling the energy towards positive growth. When you emerge on the other side, not matter what the outcome, you’ll feel better about yourself for having went through it.

photo credit: andyrobe

UPDATE: I plan to post (hopefully) one more post sometime next week before I leave for vacation on June 13^th. My wife and I are traveling to Curacao for a week for some R&R and diving. It’s going to sort of be our honeymoon (even though we got married on Kauai and celebration for finishing my Masters degree.

I also wanted to welcome anyone who would like me to cover certain topics, feel free to email me with any suggestions! I’ll write about anything dealing with emotional growth, spirituality, life, etc.. And honestly, no matter what the topic, I can generally relate it to something spiritual or having to do with personal growth.

Take care and thanks for stopping by!

The Secret About: Change and Spiritual Growth is a post from: How To Be Happy
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