Emulate
tr.v., -lat·ed, -lat·ing, -lates.
1. To strive to equal or excel, especially through imitation: an older pupil whose accomplishments and style I emulated.
I once had a psychiatrist tell me, “Jared, find someone successful you admire and do what they do.” My inner voice said, “You’re full of crap lady. I’m unique, I’m going to do great things. I don’t know anyone who is going to be as successful as me.”
I was suffering from terminal uniqueness. I consistently found myself in conflict with everything and everyone. I was “a part from” as opposed to “a part of” humanity. Not until I realized I wasn’t so different was I able to open my heart to all that was around me.
“Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else””
- Alison Boulter
Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m unique in many ways, and for those I am grateful. But by recognizing the similarities with others, I’m more able to understand them, help them, and learn from them. When I view myself as completely unique, I’m probably thinking about myself and I’m not in the moment. Real life happens in the moment. One of the most valuable lessons in learning how to be happy, is how to be content with oneself in any given moment.
Here are some things I use to remind myself I’m not so unique:
Listening
During a conversation, I often get this inner voice that reminds me of all the great things I have to share. I’m so important, they’re going to be blown away by what I have to say on the subject… Basically I’m waiting for a chance to talk instead of listening.
When this happens, I try and remind myself to pay attention. I tell myself that if what I have to say is really that important, I’ll remember it when it’s time for me to share. I then just let it go and get back to listening. It takes practice. And yes, these thoughts happen in a split second so I usually don’t miss any of the conversation.
Looking for the similarities in others
The idea that a problem I face is so unique, that no one else has ever been faced with such a problem, is ridiculous. If I’m only focused on how I’m different from others, I’m separating myself. Once I separate myself, I lose the ability to learn from them.
No man is an island
-John Donne
Self Acceptance
By separating myself from others with an unrealistic view of uniqueness, I’m placing myself above or below them… “I’m better than..” or “I’m worse than…” By learning to accept myself completely, I no longer need to compare myself to others… as much. I still do it from time to time, but more often than not I catch myself.
There’s nothing wrong with viewing oneself as unique. After all, there is no one exactly like you or I. However, when I’m so unique I separate myself from everyone, it becomes detrimental to my spiritual growth and happiness. Finally, after years of struggling to fix my own “unique” problems, I took the suggestion of that psychiatrist from many years ago. I found someone that had something I wanted, and simply asked them to show me how they got there. It worked.
photo credit: Knokton
About Jared Akers
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Am curious to know, who was your ‘someone’? And what did you learn?
My someone was what we call a sponsor in recovery. They’re sort of like a spiritual adviser… someone who has something you want, inner peace, serenity, successful. They take you through the 12 steps and help you discover a God of your understanding. Now, I get to do that with others. We must give it away to keep it.
But I do believe this can be used in all aspects of life. The process of wanting to change and finding someone you respect and ask them how they did it. It does take some ego-deflation, at least it did in my case. But I was desperate enough to really want to make some changes. Like the saying, “If you want something you’ve never had, you must do something you’ve never done”… or something like that.
I felt like you were talking about me it was so crazy….thanks for being so incredibly honest that has helped me more than you know!
Mel,
Thank you for the comment.
hi.
i was tagged with the terminal u handle in rehab. i am 18 monthes sober now, how ever i was 14 years sober to my credit from 1993. i have never gone to meetings. in fact i was kicked outta rehab on the last full day because i would not prey. i am a none believer, agnostic if you will. my inner peace is gone, my life is messed up,yet i remain sober. how do i fit in? i am lucky i am working and still married. what are your insights into my situation . regards doug
Doug,
Good questions. What struck me was what you said, “my life is messed up,yet i remain sober.” If you’ve been to rehab and around recovery at all (I’ve been through rehab three times), you may have heard this term: “Sober up a horse thief and you’ve still got a horse thief.” Sounds like humility may be something you should strive for. Not as a tool to get something you need, but for character building. I am a “believer” so to speak. But not in the religious sense so much or… well, I’m not really sure how you would describe it. Sometimes I’m in doubt, sometimes I’m in complete faith. Yes I pray, daily. Each day and night I hit my knees and pray for guidance, grace, and confidence. For me it’s a display of humility, that I’m not in charge – no matter what I think to the contrary.
Does that make me weak? No. Smart and a lot happier if you ask me. When I started out I didn’t believe in much, just the fact that it has worked for others and maybe, just maybe, they knew something I didn’t. After all, they sure seemed happy (the “believers”) and I was always miserable.
I’ve really never given it that much thought, but I guess when you look at the definition:
“agnostic: a person who holds that the existence of the ultimate cause, as god, and the essential nature of things are unknown and unknowable, or that human knowledge is limited to experience.”
That does describe me. I believe something exists but that it is ultimately unknowable. One passage that comes to mind is from the The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning, “It is not objective proof of God’s existence that we want but the experience of God’s presence.”
I’ve experienced something. Don’t know what it is, don’t care. Sort of like the… Buddhist position I think (as you can see, I’m not a master at theology nor claim to be) but it’s something like “Man should not concern himself with that he cannot understand.” Pretty simple. From my experience, praying, seeking humility, admitting I’m not the center of the universe, has worked for me. For me personally, I need meetings and to be around Loving and like minded people. I find that in AA. But that’s just for me, maybe it makes me weak… nope, I don’t think so. Just happy.
Getting back to something else you mentioned, “I was 14 years sober to my credit.” So you can do it by yourself, but you don’t have to; that’s where the humility comes in. I was over 6 years sober without any help either; and I was miserable and doing a lot of other crap that wasn’t really that healthy. The most powerful thing I ever did was surrender and accept help. Take everything they suggested in rehab, AA, halfway house, you name it I did it. Got a sponsor and did exactly what he said. Let’s face, “my way” and to my credit wasn’t working so well. I just had to get desperate enough. Again, I’m just saying that was my experience.
Good luck to you and I will keep you in my thoughts.