NOTE: I wrote this article on July 11th, 2010 prior to Goodbye for now, Dad
I remember the surgeon saying, “it’s not good, it is cancer and most likely originated in the lungs…” meaning it has metastasized throughout his body. “All we can do now is pray the Lord has mercy and he doesn’t suffer long.” The following 10 days felt as if I was watching a sad movie. On July 6th my father passed away.
This morning in the shower I was thinking about the moment I heard the surgeon tell us the bad news. It was as if I left my body and God pulled me beside him, with his arm around me, and we have been watching this entire thing together. Then the words came to my consciousness, “it’s OK Jared, I’ll take care of him.” And I wept… no, I wailed. I wailed till I couldn’t catch my breath and wondered if the neighbors could hear me. In that moment I felt the presence of God more than I have in a long time. The term “more will be revealed later” become a personal experience.
The last few days it’s like a piece of me is missing. Although deep down I know everything is OK, there is a small void. In that moment in the shower I realized it’s OK to have this void—the missing puzzle piece—and it has a purpose. I felt that God has it in his hand, is smoothing the edges and will snap it back in when I am ready—and the realization that it will never be back in place totally. Or maybe just a different color… yes, let’s go with that since I don’t like the idea of not being whole.
I’ve been weeping in my dreams, unable to catch my breath and I wake up. My dreams aren’t about my father so much, but there is definitely a sad overtone. I’m not big on dream interpretation—at least not mine—I have enough trouble figuring things out when I’m awake.
I’m reminded of the saying, idea, belief… whatever, that God will only give us as much as we can handle. Whether it’s a spiritual experience or our mind’s way of dealing with intense emotional states, we are only given as much as we can handle at any given moment. Or maybe that’s called shock, I’m not sure. Like when my mother called me the night he passed away and I could hear the paramedics in the background asking questions, I just started shaking. It was weird, I wasn’t cold, I was just shaking and started sort of walking around in a daze. A daze which remained until today in the shower.
Even though a piece of me is missing—again—I know it has a purpose. That I have a choice; to let it take me to where I’m supposed to be and not just where I’ve ended up.
He Knows How Much We Can Bear (Clara Ward)
We are our heavenly father’s children
And we all know that He loves us one and all
Yet there are times we find the answer
Another’s voice and call
If we are willing the Lord will teach us
His voice only to obey no matter where
For He knows I’m so glad God knows
Knows just how much we can bear
Oh, although, though your load, your load may get heavy
You’re never left alone to bear it all
Just ask God for strength and keep on toiling
Although the teardrops fall
You’ll have the joy of my God’s assurance
The heavenly Father will always answer prayer
For He knows ya I’m so glad God knows
Just how much we can bear
photo credit: loswl
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About Jared Akers
I thought this article was very moving. You are right when you say we think we can’t handle it but God knows we can. It’s amazing how much we can handle when we let God help us carry our burdens.
A touching story, so sorry for your loss Jarad.
Connie,
Thanks for the comments. I’ve known many people who have gone through similar circumstances… and I often wondered how they got through it with such grace. It’s encouraging to know we’re never alone in anything we go through. I’ve often heard people (no matter what hardships, challenges, or personal demons they’re facing) say “I don’t need help, I can do it by myself,” as I once did. Maybe we/they can do it alone, but the reality is, we don’t have to. It takes courage and humility to admit we need help; whether from God or others. Thanks again for stopping by and leaving a comment, it really means a lot to me.
Hey Jared, thanks for sharing that. I have struggled with that belief of “God only gives us what we can bear” and I don’t know if I believe it any more. People go bankrupt, go crazy, starve to death, jump off bridges… Why would our world be like this if we were only getting what we could bear? I don’t even know what to do most of the time, given my circumstances, and I live a sheltered life by global standards.
At the same time, I have had experiences of divine grace and guidance, so I can’t say that God does not support us. We probably even believe the same thing but talk about it with different words. It’s complicated.
I think it has something to do with how we respond to what happens to us. Do I reach out for support from God, friends and family, or do I try to handle it on my own and go crazy over it? Sometimes I think God throws challenges at us to force us into getting support and love from outside ourselves. But then, who’s to say that God is “outside ourselves”?
I blogged about this topic once myself, although I think what I wrote back then is even too simplistic for where I’m at today. It’s another perspective though. http://stillwakingup.net/2009/07/20/more-than-we-can-bear/
Thank you for sharing your experience. We’re all in this together. These conversations help me to gain perspective.
Craig,
What an amazing perspective on this belief. I think you really hit it on the spiritual head so to speak, seeking guidance outside of ourselves. Surrender and reaching some humility and asking for help. I’m not sure where I’ve heard this saying before, but it comes to mind, “I didn’t realize God was all I needed until I realized He was all I had.” And yes, my belief changes, ebbs and flows as my experiences change and turn certain things into knowing. I believe there are those who can’t handle what they’ve been given, either refuse to surrender (I’ve known many who have died that way) or maybe have illness that prevents them in some capacity. Or simply they just can’t bear the pain and choose death. Sadly I can relate as I was close to that point as well. Does that mean I’m smarter, blessed, wasn’t actually given “more” than I could bare, or just lucky? Who knows, and who cares right? I’ll never understand it completely and it’s just so much easier to admit I can’t understand… just look to the stars. I’ll never understand completely, at least not in this lifetime so why not relax, turn it over, and look outside myself to see all the love and beauty around me. I agree with what you wrote in your post on this, “Connecting to others, I am strengthened both by their assistance in my life, and by the energy that comes from helping others. When I allow compassion to flow in my life, it helps me just as much as everyone around me.” Well said and thanks for the comments.
This is very interesting and I really like your perspectives. I recently had a friend call in need and she didn’t think she could handle her current situation. I prayed with her and told her I was here if she needed anything, but knew there wasn’t anything I could do to take away her pain and hurt. During my week of praying, God revealed to me through His Word that there will be times when we are stressed to the breaking point and even beyond by the problems of this life. 2 Corinthians 1:9 says…but this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises from the dead.
I believe we are living in a spiritual battle. Ephesians 6:2 tells us “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms”
We have a free will and a choice. We can try to lean on ourselves and not reach out to God or others for help, or we can. I’ve been there once. I thought I could do it all on my own and make things better. I continue to try that, but each and every time, dig myself deeper in the pit that I started in.
However, when I obey the scriptures and lean on Him, He fills me up with His Holy Spirit and I am made whole through Him. Without Him, I am nothing but flesh and blood and it is UGLY and sinful. Each day is a gift.
It is sad when our loved ones leave us here on this earth, but we are not alone.
Mathew 7:7-8 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.
Jared, I am so sorry for your loss and am praying for you and your family often.
Thanks for sharing your experience Nicole. I liked what you said about “dig myself deeper in the pit that I started in.” One of the great realizations is that we have a choice to stop digging, one which begins by accepting the idea of help and then reaching out. It’s amazing what happens when we need help, admit it, and simply ask. Just as accepting help from others, God is there to give the gift if we’re willing to accept it.
I lost my mother 40 years ago and I still miss and lover her more then ever. I can still hear her voice and me telling her “I could not live with out her.” I was only 13 years old. I know the Holy Spirit has been with me through out all these years. I have missed my mother but I always know she is with me. I will dream about her sometimes and wake up crying. I then ask the Holy Spirit what I was to learn from this. Somehow I know I learned something.
Thanks Jared
Jim,
Thanks for sharing your story. I do miss my dad. What I really miss is… well, everything, but particularly getting to watch him grow older and what he would have been like. His heart was softening as he got older and I looked forward to how our relationship would progress. Yet at the same time, I’m so very grateful for the great years we got to spend together. I still have dreams about him now-and-then also.
My wife lost her mother suddenly when she (my wife) was 20 years old. She always says that life just “wasn’t as good as it could be once her mother died.” Not to get her wrong, we (she) has a great life, full of joy and happiness, and an amazing family, but as in; when something great happens to you in your life your mother is the first one you want to share it with. And since she lost that at a fairly young age (20), there’s been a lot in her life she wished she could have shared personally with her mother. Although, she knows and feels too that she is here watching and with us. As sometimes I think I feel my father near also. Or at times I see something in myself that reminds me of him, I know he’s still there and I talk to him all the time.
Thanks Jim for sharing about your mother and reminding me of such things.
JARED
THANKS FOR THE GREAT REPLY…I LOOK FORWARD TO YOUR UPDATES
AND I AM THANKFUL THAT WE WERE ABLE TO CONNECT VIA YOUR WEB SITE. THANKS FOR HAVING IT.
DREAM AS IF YOU WILL LIVE FOREVER
LIVE AS IF YOU WILL DIE TOMORROW.
MOTHERS AND FATHERS ARE GREAT AND THANK GOD WE WERE ABLE TO HAVE THEM EVEN IF IT WAS JUST FOR A SHORT TIME.
GOD BLESS
JIM
You’re welcome Jim. God bless you as well.